[CedarS]

I've gone from about 0 mph to 120 mph in regards to activity for about the last two weeks. I am quite suddenly active in the community, doing a public blog and news group, fielding praise and criticism, actually meeting people I don't know for coffee, and tonight held a meeting I organized.

I've made some mistakes and public blunders and lived to even sorta laugh and joke about them. I've found a way to volunteer in my community and it is good for me.

And I've also way stressed myself out. Too much time online, too much time in researching some traumatic materials and history, not enough sleep, not enough debriefing, and I've been trying to run ahead of myself so I can keep going.

I'm in a bad flare of physical illness. And I outright melted down last night, the day after a nightmare of a nightmare.

I couldn't stop shaking, I was cold no matter what I did. I had flashbacks. I was scared and certain of horrible things.

I called the crisis line to get help in talking me down. They had to put me on hold. I cried and cried as I waited then hung up, it was safe for me to hang up, I'd written some good things in my journal while I waited.

I could feel myself melting down, losing touch, dissociating. I found my teddy bear and crawled into a closet, sat there and cried and slowly was able to tell myself supportive messages.

Some bad people have targetted me because of my work. The police know. This is only through a public email, nothing at my home or on my home phone. They also called to hassle me while I was at a restaurant in a meeting. No actual threats, though it is all threatening in its fashion.

I'm being safe, but damn, this is hard. I wish I could be an energizer bunny of social justice and civil rights work. I cannot. I can do the best at what I do and give myself a break.

So, I've melted down and lived to tell the tale. I don't know that I'm quite yet in the re-form stage of integration or whatever. Fortunately I can easily rest for the next two weeks. Might take me awhile to unwind. I figure lots of hot baths are involved. And visualizations of healthy flowing water, of warm sandy beaches, and safe caves.

[Azalysa]

Sarah, So very sorry to hear all this. Besides prayer can't think of much at 3:30 am...BUT...with your mention of soft water...do you have one of those sound soothers that can sound like the ocean or gentle rain? There are also CD's now that play those same sounds! Just a thought!

{{{{Sarah}}}}

[CedarS]

I do have one, I love it. We also have a classic rain storm outside today, the sound is wonderful! Thanks for kind thoughts too. My goal is to rest rest rest.

[Lexicon78]

Wow, it sounds like you are dealing with so much right now. I do have to commend you for being so active in your community, though. I myself could never do that.

You sound like you are doing all the right things, so I think you should give yourself a big pat on the back! I mean with the harassment, the work, everything...all good things!

Hang in there and take care! It's time for some R&R!

sarahl, my love, i'm so sorry that people are harrassing you. fayeroe has packed and will be on the next flight. that nonsense will stop!

i'm glad you got through it and waded out on the other side. love you, pat

[CedarS]

Thanks for reminder to take some time to notice what I am doing right, I tend to forget that.

It is very very possible that I might not be able to continue being active in my community, I'll see if slowing down and pacing myself, delegating, narrowing my focus......if that will help.

But I know I have to option to stop if I need to. Being so very active so very suddenly is exposing all sorts of triggers for me that I usually keep clear of, or at least less exposed to.

I'm happy that I was even able to talk straight mostly at the meeting.

R&R, here I come!