[generic_name]

Hi all,

I've been reading some posts and decided to join because I've heard a lot of familar things. I'm not certain what I'm looking for other than some alternate perspectives and someone to laugh about my craziness with. Good advice and insight is always appreciated.

For as long as I can remember, I've done many of the typical OCD things. I count (multiples of 2, 4, or 5 up to 10, 20, or 100 start over, repeat). I'll also count the number of beats in a song - it bothers me if the count doesn't end up as an even number. I will listen to the same cd(s) again and again every day for a long time, then I'll suddenly decide to put it away when I find the new one. I only put the tv volume on even numbers. I'll do "rhythmic" things like tap my right foot then left foot and repeat. Sometimes it will be right hand, left hand, right foot, left foot, and repeat. You get the idea I'm sure. I will sit down at a table or desk and have to arrange it "just so". Usually the items will be aligned in 90 degree angles to each other, but sometimes a pleasing result can come from other circular or arcing arrangements. I always check and recheck if I've locked the door, closed the garage door, do I have my wallet, keys or other important objects. Even when I've just checked it, I'll keep checking it. Don't know why, it's just reassuring. Not so much ad infinitum, but you'd think that double checking would be sufficient, not quintuple (or more) checking. I'll keep checking to see if my shirt is tucked in or if my underpants are showing.

I wouldn't call myself a hoarder, but when I decide to collect something, I will end up with a more than complete collection. Not so much stuff that it's spilling out of all my closets, but it's got to be all out or nothing is the best way to describe it.

These things in themselves don't really bother me. I've just accepted that it's who I am. In some ways, it's good because I tend to be rather meticulous, tidy, and I always know where EVERYTHING is in my home. The downside is that I also am compulsively bad (maybe opposite is a better word) in other areas.

For example, even though I like to make sure my home is clean, dishes done ASAP, everything in its place, and I wash my hands after using a public restroom (sometimes I grab an extra paper towel that I'll use to open the door with so I don't have to touch the handle), I'm terrible about my personal hygenie. I don't care if I go a day or two (or more) between showers, or if it's been a week since I last brushed my teeth. Yet I'll be meticulously cleaning my fingernails at the same time. This causes some social embarrassement (being stinky, I mean) which sucks, but the particular issue at hand that is my biggest problem is my weight. I'm overweight, and while I've tried to lose weight, I always start out well and then lose focus. I've had problems with my body image for as long as I can remember. It wasn't until I hit puberty that I had actual weight problems, but never let reality stop you from believing something, right?

I got to thinking today that maybe my issues stem around perfection. That if I'm not able to be the best, or able to always do something to my satisfaction, then I just won't bother with it, or will only do it when I get the overwhelming urge to or otherwise really force myself to do it (or not do it). Schooling for example - I was always a good student, but I could never live up to my (literally) genius older brother. So I just didn't try very hard, and when it came to college time I mostly meandered through and dropped out. Same goes with my weight. I will be doing fine, sometimes for as long as a month or two, then I'll have a bad day, weekend, or week and figure it's all screwed up now so I might as well give up.

I sometimes have strange thoughts pop into my head, things like doing something violent or otherwise taboo to someone else. I would never act on them, and it disturbs me to think these things, but the thoughts are there none the less.

These negative aspects have caused me considerable problems with depression, suicidal thoughts (not currently, or for a good long time now thank god), anxiety, and to a much lessor degree, panic. If I'm totally honest, I do still run to the "comfort" of suicidal thoughts, but ever since my mother committed suicide 3 years ago, and having experienced the pain and devastation that it does to the family, I've never since seriously contemplated it, nor do I think I ever will.

I am not diagnosed as anything other than having Depression (currently taking Effexor). Effexor has helped a lot for the depression and anxiety, but not for my OCD. I am not currently seeing a therapist, and when I have it was for other issues, mainly depression.

When I do have anxiety hit, I usually find myself worried that something bad has happened to a loved one. It could be that they might be in a car accident, get attacked/raped, whatever. It's obviously irrational, but I can't help it. If someone is late, that usually triggers it. It also happens when someone is leaving (to go home, to the store, whatever) and I happen to be in an especially loving mood, if you can believe that. I think this has led me to develop "disposable" relationships for the most part because it's too hard to actually care deeply about people because it brings all this on.

Oh, about the checking and rechecking thing as it pertains to writing - I've already re-read what I've typed probably 25 times over and will read it several more times until I'm satisfied it's ok. Usually checking for spelling and grammatical errors, but also to see if the content is arranged in a sensible way (whatever that is) or what have you.

Anyway...like I said, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Does any of this sound familar? Come on, if you've made it this far in this LONG post, surely you can type "yup, me too"!

Thanks,

generic_name

[mike4151]

Hi, I just read your post and was surprised to see a couple of things that I can relate to that I've never seen anyone mention before. The first was having an older brother who was a genius and how it affected your life. My brother had his IQ tested once and it came out at 190. He was taking college courses before he reached highschool. He graduated from MIT with honors. He got his PHD in theoretical math. He also has excelled at everything he has ever done(#1 pitcher in little league etc...). I had the fun of following him through school. Every year the teachers would do rollcall and when they would get to me they would ask if I was as smart as my brother. I felt like I had to live up to an impossable standard. I also became a perfectionist. In highschool I got mostly A's and for the first two years of college I had a 3.8. Then in my third year at college I was hit by this terrible illness. All I could do was lay in bed and cry. I had always felt that failure was not an option. I had to excell. Even with this illness I kept trying but it got to the point where I couldn't even read. I was trapped. Failure was not an option but excelling was impossible. Then one night I thought of what,at the time,seemed like the perfect solution. All I had to do was kill myself. All the pressure would be gone. All the pain woud be gone. I left school at the end of the semester(so my parents wouldn't know I had failed)with the intention of killing myself. Luckly for me I had very loving,supportive parents who new something was wrong and didn't pressure me. Over time I realized I didn't need to die I just needed help. That's where my journey through this illness started and I'm still here 25 years later. I think I might have gotten off topic so forgive me if I've been rambling. I didn't mean to write for so long but it just came out. I know I said there were two things I could relate to but I'm out of time and have to go. Just writing this has helped me and I hope it has helped you in some way. If you want to hear the other thing I related to or more of the same topic just write me and I will be happy to keep rambling. Mike

[Azalysa]

Hi Generic_name & Mike - and welcome to PsychCentral! You've found the best psych forum (in my opinion) on the net! The people are support and loving.

Generic, I can relate to several things you said as well. There are certain things I will recheck: if I've locked my door, looking in my wallet several times in a row to make sure my debit card is there; when I go to a restaurant, I start organizing the items on the table to my liking.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I got to thinking today that maybe my issues stem around perfection. That if I'm not able to be the best, or able to always do something to my satisfaction, then I just won't bother with it, or will only do it when I get the overwhelming urge to or otherwise really force myself to do it (or not do it).

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is something that I can REALLY relate to. I am a black & white person and if I can't excel at something then I don't want to do it at all. Although I have a lot of drive and energy about some things, other things I'm not and unfortunately most of my jobs have been in that category.

That was a long way of saying...I can relate.

Looking forward to seeing you on the boards. Feel free to PM me if you want/need to.

[Holypineapple]

That's funny, yeah I've had some of the same thoughts too. I don't know why, but I always tap things 3 times, I tap doorknobs, turn lights on and off 9 times, suddenly find myself counting how many steps it takes me to get from class to class in passing time. I might sound a bit odd, but I don't like it when there's an even number of things, i just hate even numbers, isn't that the weirdest thing???? All my friends have noticed that I tap things, and it drives my sister nuts, but i guess they all just think I'm trying to be annoyinging or something. I don't have to have perfect writing, or tap things three times, or read chapter titles seven times ( I know, don't they just sound like RIDICULOUS HABITS????) , but I just do so because it feels weird not to, like it will haunt me until I do it...
So, it seems that I have a bit of OCD...

to all of you folks who wrote ahead of me all i can say is been there done ALL of that! lol

[Rhapsody]

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[LMo]

Hey generic and Mike - welcome to PC. Generic - that was an amazingly well-written introduction. Thanks for taking the time to do that. I have the feeling that both of you will make friends quickly here. I hope that you find the support that you seek. Love, LMo