There is this one place I have to make deliveries to that really triggers a lot of anxiety for me ... Several times I've parked in a place I know I really shouldn't (not a handicapped spot) so I don't feel trapped or hemmed in or unable to escape ... I've been confronted about it a couple of times and am too scared to say why so I've simply stated that I'll find an alternative spot ...

I'm only there long enough to run a package in and come right back out ... Usually no longer than 3 - 5 minutes ... Still, it's upset a couple of other delivery people who feel I'm being inconsiderate (which I know in my heart is true, but anxiety and panic can make people do some pretty stupid stuff) ...

At any rate, it happened again yesterday (2nd time in 9 months) and I'm having a hard time letting it go ... Not so much upset at the other person as I am at myself that I've let my "condition" cause me to make a rather poor decision again ...

Tomorrow I'm just gonna park down on the street and walk all the way up the delivery drive ... Could use the exercise anyway ... I just wish I'd quit running it over and over and over again through my head, even though I felt a little bullied and harassed ... Even though I know that I was the one who was in the wrong ...

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest ... I'm hoping it will let my runaway mind go ahead and process it in the proper light and allow me to move on without feeling all these negative emotions swirling about inside my head ...

Sincerely,
BrokenCloud


ps. Nothing is any more ridiculous than to feel righteous indignation when you're wrong (as am I in this case) ... Yet I feel it (and a whole bunch of other stuff too) nonetheless ...

[Open Eyes]

Do you think that perhaps your trying to exercise the right to protect yourself in spite of what others think? Perhaps when other people scold you when your trying to do the easiest thing you can to overcome your fear it just triggers something inside you that presents that old feeling of your not feeling you have rights.

Your self talk here speaks to me that your trying to find a balance. You wanted to take the safest quick route and tried to give yourself permission. You were scolded and triggered and now your working it out in your mind in what I think is healthy because you're recognizing that you have to find a way to understand that parking futher away and walking is not about your not being respected but more about how everyone has to do this in their delivery job. Your brain is learning how to problem solve away from the PTSD thought patterns. It is learning how to differentiate, that is progress that comes slowly but progress just the same.

This is something that people who don't have PTSD don't understand, and often the person who has PTSD that stems from a past like yours needs to learn to understand. You have to work at slowly training your brain to not go directly to feeling the sense of loss of feeling power, control and consciously overcoming that sense of having to always be alert somehow. This is hard work for someone with PTSD and it comes in baby steps and working through a lot of things differently then the average person who doesn't have the constant struggle that someone with PTSD has that is really not their fault.

All I can say is good for you for recognizing this and knowing that now your going to work on understanding that you CAN park and walk and that it isn't about being forced into something dangerous and uncomfortable. This is work and takes time. I can totally relate to this difficult process, it will take some time and self talk and actually doing the parking and walking and learning how not to stress and panick about it. Be kind and caring to yourself, understand that it will take time but you will work it out and in that will take away the power of the old stress and anxiety as you slowly teach your brain that it will be ok.
Good for you, keep moving forward.

((((( Understanding supportive Hugs)))))
Open Eyes