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Okay, so I've been freaking out about this all day and I called my mom and the only thing she had to say was "take a pill and stop worrying about it" which didn't help and made me really mad on top of everything because I don't like taking my anti anxiety pills, especially if I can do it on my own.

So my roomie's parents are over this week. THey're staying in a hotel because there's not much room for extra beds in our two bedroom flat. I haven't been home for a week and a half, and I admit I left a bit of a mess because I left suddenly. Well, nothing's moved since I left: the food dishes are still there right where I left them, as are my papers and pens and tea mugs. My fish died over the weekend and my roomie emptied the tank, so now there's a disassembled algae-stained half empty fish tank on the dining room table. Also, BOTH sinks are filled with dishes, a few mine but mostly hers.

This happens a lot, and I'm getting use to cleaning up after her, so I was peeved but left it. She's not home that often anyway so I didn't think it was worth mentioning. Turns out she got home that night at 1130 right as I was going to bed. I freaked out (another thread) and then went to bed with the knowledge her parents would come over today. I figured later in the day.

I woke up to them IN THE HOUSE! The house is a mess, and I didn't know what to do so I sat at my door and eavesdropped on them till they left. Then I showered. Now I need to clean everything so they don't think that I'm a messy person, and so they don't think I'm a horrible room mate and a bad friend, and I showered and I'm going to wear something nice so they don't think I'm disgusting all the time, and when they get back I'm going to sit in my room and read so that I don't make noise or interrupt them. And I'm going to clean my room so they don't think I'm messy...

But they might think I'm being a ***** to Roomie and showing her up because she's messy. Her rooms a mess and hard to walk in, and they're mostly her dishes.... but they won't know who's they are.

I'm freaking out about this. I don't like having people come over, especially if they're over and I don't know them. I hate the idea that people are going to talk about me and think about be because it could be bad and I don't want them to think something that isn't true about me.

Maybe I should just leave the house after so that I don't disturb them at all.

OMG WHY AM I SO SCARED! I should be making this place nice for them not typing on here, but I wanted it out there first to people who might understand and not just say that I need to stop worrying about stuff that's not worth worrying about because they don't know how scary it is when someone just "drops in" on me, uninvited, and gets to walk around the house and look at my things and I don't get to say anything I just have to let them walk through and look and judge everything, and pray that it's good enough.

I'm going to eat ice cream now like stumpy told me...

[lancetrot]

Hi
But it is the hard truth. Whether you like it or not you are so scared of what other people think about you. It seems like you are a people pleaser. You are always conscious of yourself and are worrying too much about how people will think about you. Whatever you want to do like, cleaning, dish washing, house keeping are for your convenience and for your well being, not to makeup your image when your roomies parent visit again. This do not mean be selfish but be yourself. Still you can do it but not for others but for you. Other wise you will become very anxious some times unless you make up your mind, scaring is inevitable.

There seems to be a lot going on in your post, so I thought I could break it down a bit at a time (I am no expert nor am I trying to judge or seem harsh. In FACT, quite the opposite. I totally empathize on many levels):

1. If your mother supportive of you? She seemed to be invalidating your feelings by just telling you to just "go take a pill". That is painful.

And just as important (or even more so considering your current sitaution):

2. Do you have a roommate agreement / understanding? For instance, when you are gone, your fish will be fed. Or someone will be in charge of cleaning up (split 50/50), or really asserting yourself if you are able by saying, "it's really important to me abc and I feel abc. So could we agree to abc").

You could even have a calendar letting each other know when you will be in / out of town and if guests are expected (you mentioned you left suddenly and then your roommate had people over without notifying you)

It's super hard living with a roommate to begin with, and then even worse when you have no boundaries, rules or understanding. in a lot of cases,it's a disgusting free for all.

3. I've experienced, when having anxiety and panic, the idea of someone "invading" your space, and it can be unsettling, scary and unsetting. Especially if you are not made aware of the situation.

For instance, for me to compensate, I try to "control" the matter by internalizing (blaming myself, being really hard on myself, thinking I shouldn't even be there, etc.) and then super controlling ... cleaning everything, washing everything, making everything look perfect on the outside - and then hiding out (quiet as a mouse so they don't even think I exist because I'm being so hard on myself to begin with).

Good luck!