[Persie]

I'm in my forties and I have had anxiety attacks since I was in my early twenties. So twenty years of anxiety, not to mention about the same length in weekly migraines.

I sometimes wonder about the person I would have been if I hadn't suffered those things. I would have become a doctor. I would have had money, friends, husband, children, etc. I see myself as strong, tall, fit and thin.

Its like I went down the wrong road and now, no matter what I do, I don't seem to be able to get back on it.

I haven't got panic attacks anymore, not unless something major happens to change my routines. I have a mild anxiety. I experience agoraphobia and social phobia but its mild enough to let me get on with my life, ie, shopping and going to the doctors. However, holidays are out, as are friends.

What a mess! God help me, another 40 years of this to go! What a waste of a life.

I used to but then when I really thought about it what I went through made me who I am today and I wouldnt change that for the world. I wrote this in response to a post in an on line support group in 2001-2002. It is also part of my introduction for my book La La Land Express.

If I was given the chance to change one thing what would that be?
This question appeared one day
on an on line support group message board there were lots of members including me.
My first answer was of course was to say

I would change that I had been abused but then
as I sat that night thinking about it
I realized that if that one thing had changed I would not have been
the me that I am without the abusive %#@&#!

For it would send a chain reaction through out my whole life changing who I am now
If I had not been abused I would not have been on the run so
I would not have traveled the United States looking for a way to stop the abuse somehow
I would have missed out on seeing many beautiful states and the sights I saw on the go,

I would have missed out on the many friends that I have today
For a lot of them we met
In shelters, therapy groups, and support groups each sharing what we needed to say
But the chain doesn’t stop there yet

For if I hadn’t been on the run
I would not have landed in a college town where
There was a link to the person who knew what must be done
So that I could eventually be stronger and dare

Myself to stand up and fight
So that I could remain free
It was her agency that lead me to helping to change laws for survivors rights
Through the governors task force which helped not only me.

I would never have done that if I
Hadn’t been abused or the other things that I have done
Like going public letting convicted rapists know why
What they do is wrong, like telling teens how to get some one

To help them so that they
Don’t have to lead the life I have lead.
If I hadn’t been abused I wouldn’t be who I am today
I wouldn’t have my son I have for there may have been a different man instead.



For I met the guy while in a
hospital because I had been
Abused and was having flashbacks and didn’t have the words to say
What was happening because of the abuse back then.

So given the fact that if I hadn’t been abused I wouldn’t be
a - mother, college graduate and survivor who
actively changed the laws pertaining to abuse and I wouldn’t have gotten to see
and do all that I did or have the friends that I do

I choose to change nothing of the past
but continue moving forwards instead so
now for you all I put my therapy journey down to last
on these pages so that you too can find your way through the abuse of days, weeks,
months and years ago

Katherine T Manne Copyright 2002

[Persie]

Wow, sounds like a great book. I am glad that you are who you are and that you stuck around.

I have to think about it in terms of my own life. Need more time to think about it.

Thanks for writing to me, it got me thinking or rather rethinking.

Persie.

[Persie]

Wow, sounds like a great book. I am glad that you are who you are and that you stuck around.

I have to think about it in terms of my own life. Need more time to think about it.

Thanks for writing to me, it got me thinking or rather rethinking.

Persie.

You're welcome.

It sure does get you rethinking when you actually sit down and think about all those things that would not be the way they are now if you hadn't been abused and or have panic attacks.

Being abused as a child is a horrendious thing but it also sets in motion the makings of who the survivor is and who is in their lives and what they do with their lives. Change just one thing in your life leads to a chain reaction of changing your whole life, Kind of like the movie - its a wonderful life and I can't remember the title of the remake of it just that marlo thomas played the lead character.

So when a person asked on a message board if I could change one thing I immediately thought of cool no more being abused. Then I looked around my home and thought if I hadn't been abused I'd still be living in my home town probably childless, for I was not well liked in school, I am a handicapped person so I would not have met anyone who saw me as anything other than a "cripple". And from then on down the line places I lived people I met in the past 30 plus years since leaving my home town and so on. Changing that one thing changed my whole life.

Glad you are rethinking. Glad you are here to do the rethinking for if you hadnt been abused and or have panic attacks you would not be a member here for you would not have searched for the kind of help you were looking for when you found this site. Not saying glad you were abused and have panic attacks but now you see what I mean.

Glad you like the poem and Yes I believe this book is going to be a hit on the survivors market. As does those I have allowed to preread it.

A few other poems that appear in my book are posted in creative.

You're welcome.

It sure does get you rethinking when you actually sit down and think about all those things that would not be the way they are now if you hadn't been abused and or have panic attacks.

Being abused as a child is a horrendious thing but it also sets in motion the makings of who the survivor is and who is in their lives and what they do with their lives. Change just one thing in your life leads to a chain reaction of changing your whole life, Kind of like the movie - its a wonderful life and I can't remember the title of the remake of it just that marlo thomas played the lead character.

So when a person asked on a message board if I could change one thing I immediately thought of cool no more being abused. Then I looked around my home and thought if I hadn't been abused I'd still be living in my home town probably childless, for I was not well liked in school, I am a handicapped person so I would not have met anyone who saw me as anything other than a "cripple". And from then on down the line places I lived people I met in the past 30 plus years since leaving my home town and so on. Changing that one thing changed my whole life.

Glad you are rethinking. Glad you are here to do the rethinking for if you hadnt been abused and or have panic attacks you would not be a member here for you would not have searched for the kind of help you were looking for when you found this site. Not saying glad you were abused and have panic attacks but now you see what I mean.

Glad you like the poem and Yes I believe this book is going to be a hit on the survivors market. As does those I have allowed to preread it.

A few other poems that appear in my book are posted in creative.

[Sabrina]

Persie, I wish you much peace and strength. And welcome!!

myself - thank you for posting your poem. I have tried very hard over the last few months to drop the attitude of "why me" and use what I have been through to be stronger and better and to try and help others. It is not easy leaving the past alone but without it I would not be 'me'.

[Sabrina]

Persie, I wish you much peace and strength. And welcome!!

myself - thank you for posting your poem. I have tried very hard over the last few months to drop the attitude of "why me" and use what I have been through to be stronger and better and to try and help others. It is not easy leaving the past alone but without it I would not be 'me'.

You're welcome

No it isn't easy going from Victim me to Survivor me. But hang in there Sabrina it does get easier. Take it one day at a time and one issue at a time and you will make it.

You're welcome

No it isn't easy going from Victim me to Survivor me. But hang in there Sabrina it does get easier. Take it one day at a time and one issue at a time and you will make it.

[heartspace]

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Sabrina0805 said:
Persie, I wish you much peace and strength. And welcome!!

myself - thank you for posting your poem. I have tried very hard over the last few months to drop the attitude of "why me" and use what I have been through to be stronger and better and to try and help others. It is not easy leaving the past alone but without it I would not be 'me'.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Sabrina0805 said:
Persie, I wish you much peace and strength. And welcome!!

myself - thank you for posting your poem. I have tried very hard over the last few months to drop the attitude of "why me" and use what I have been through to be stronger and better and to try and help others. It is not easy leaving the past alone but without it I would not be 'me'.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well said. I know I had to let go of the past in order to move into the future. Even my friends who haven't experienced the depression and anxiety I have are full of "what-ifs". Why do we torture ourselves?
Persie, you have survived a prolonged battle against formidable odds. That's an accomplishment, you know. No life is in vain. You are important.

[heartspace]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Sabrina0805 said:
Persie, I wish you much peace and strength. And welcome!!

myself - thank you for posting your poem. I have tried very hard over the last few months to drop the attitude of "why me" and use what I have been through to be stronger and better and to try and help others. It is not easy leaving the past alone but without it I would not be 'me'.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Sabrina0805 said:
Persie, I wish you much peace and strength. And welcome!!

myself - thank you for posting your poem. I have tried very hard over the last few months to drop the attitude of "why me" and use what I have been through to be stronger and better and to try and help others. It is not easy leaving the past alone but without it I would not be 'me'.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well said. I know I had to let go of the past in order to move into the future. Even my friends who haven't experienced the depression and anxiety I have are full of "what-ifs". Why do we torture ourselves?
Persie, you have survived a prolonged battle against formidable odds. That's an accomplishment, you know. No life is in vain. You are important.

[wisewoman]

Persie, this is an interesting thread. I once said I would also not change a thing. I have re-thought that and there are many things I would change. So, I can't change the past but I can shape the future. WE HAVE POWER. sorry for shouting but hey, we do. We can change the world, and we are, one person at a time.