[valyn9]

So I really try, as a matter of wanting to reduce my social anxiety, to not avoid social situations unless I feel like that's asking too much. Yesterday I ditched my grandpa's 80th birthday party because I plain just didn't want to go. It's hard for me to not feel guilty about it though. I feel like the right thing for me to do would have been to go, and there's a part of me that honestly would have LIKED to have gone, and there's that tilt factor that I encouraged myself to go anyway, but just not wanting to go sort of outweighed all of that.

My mom called me about it asking why I wasn't coming and I had a hard time with myself explaining that I just didn't want to and there wasn't anything more to it without being kind of frustrated with myself for feeling kind of guilty. I STILL feel a LITTLE guilty but on the other hand I don't regret just hanging out by myself all Saturday and doing whatever I felt like. It's like me time. I want some of it for myself.

I'm looking for help with my feelings though. Am I a bad person for not going? ... or at least that's what I want to ask EMOTIONALLY, even though that's obviously an absurd question. But please help. I don't know how to feel respect for the fact that I want this time for myself. I don't know how to not feel horribly selfish and antisocial about it. I just want to feel self-secure and peace with what I choose. This kind of thing has been a problem for me for a long time because sometimes there are times when that wanting to be alone wins out. It's not all that rare really. ... And if it IS something unhealthy in me ... please, I want to identify it so I can work on it. That's at least a little bit of resolution.

I suppose the more complete story is just that I don't feel welcome on my step-dad's side of the family even though it WAS my step-dad's sis-in-law who invited me. One of my step-dad's brothers just really turned hateful on me one day and I'm really ... it's not that I don't forgive him, but it hurts anyway and that pain of rejection kind of emotionally contaminates that side of the family for me as a whole. It's not a big deal, I can override my inhibitions there, but it's definitely a contributing factor to me just saying, "you know what? forget it. I don't need to face this today." Maybe that's cowardly ... it kind of is I think. I ran away!

[Miswimmy1]

you may just be a very introverted soul... Not feeling accepted is not anxiety I don't think. Anxiety would be the "why"- are you worried about not knowing how to react? Are you scared that they will ignore you or be mean to you? That is anxiety. I suggest seeing someone- they can assist you in investigating all the emotions you hav- be it anger, anxiety, etc.

[jelly-bean]

I'm sorry you didn't feel like going to the party. Because you don't feel accepted by your family I think you might want to try the relationships forum. The people there are friendly and may be able to help you with this problem.

[tigerlily84]

I understand how you feel. I struggle with that guilt too. My stepmom said something really horrible about me and my mom on Christmas and it made me not want to see her. So I didn't go over to their house for Christmas. And since she lives with my dad and brothers, I didn't go to see them for a long time. I still think about it, and it does hurt.

You're not a bad person. Ask yourself I why it is that you feel anxious about going to see your family. And what you think they will say or do that is causing this anxiety. Chances are it's not as bad as you think. As Miswimmy1 has posted, you may want to see a therapist to help you answer these questions. Good luck.

[BioHazard]

Im not able to express myself yet. Dont have a self. Once did, but some traumatic sequence of events destoyed it.

i avoid any sort of get together, firstly like the original poster my family don't accept me, and secondly i've social anxiety anyway- and 9 times out of 10 can not leave the house

[valyn9]

Thank you ... I guess everyday is a new opportunity to try again.