[BlueJay49]

Hi everyone. I am a 49 year old male with a history of anxiety, panic disorder, OCD, depression, tourette's syndrome and a lot of other not-so-fun things. As a child I was diagnosed with Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and put on ritalin.

Over the years, I have noticed that my condition seems to be getting progressively worse and I'm not sure which of my disorders (or combination of them) are causing it. At one time in my life nothing really bothered me. I was footloose and fancy free and for the most part, enjoyed life, had lots of hobbies, friends, etc. Lately however (and after several particularly stressfull events that occurred in my life), I now constantly obsess, over-analyze and worry about everything. It could be something as routine as an upcoming appointment, a visit from my family or any impending date on which an event is to occur. It can also be things I read or hear that trigger negative or scary thoughts that then snowball completely out of control.

I assume most people would just accept these things as part of life and deal with them but in my case, I constantly worry and live in fear of approaching dates and deadlines as I imagine every possible and horrifying scenario/outcome and all of the different things that could go terribly wrong. I even worry and obssess over events that are months or even years into the future and find myself panicking about them. I spend so much time worrying and less time just enjoying life and find myself absolutely dumbfounded when I see all the smiling, laughing, happy people on TV. Why are they so happy and I'm not?.

At it's worst, I can feel the dread, panic, intense fear and adrenalin shooting up through me to the point where I feel like I am about to go mad. Sometimes I break out in a cold sweat, get short of breath, feel completely overwhelmed or just freeze up. The fears even weave their way into my dreams with very intense nightmares almost every night and an even worse feeling of absolute gloom and doom each morning (and usually throughout the day). Sometimes I wake up multiple times during the night with very panicky feelings. Waking up each morning is like a thick, syrupy, hungover, dark cloud, miserable kind of feeling. It's exhausting and very often I sleep in very late or sleep for 10-11 hours not wanting to wake up and face the horror of the day or my racing, obssession-filled thoughts. Then I spend much of the day preparing from some "disaster" that I percieve coming down the pipeline and go to bed that night feeling miserable and exhausted.

To cope, I have begun to devote huge amounts of time each day trying to offload various stressors, often going to extreme lengths. I over-react to everything. I trust very little. I fear everything and everything stresses me out. My life is filled with "what if's". At times, I am very paranoid. I take little things and blow them way out of porportion. I feel like everything is futile, useless, meaningless, without purpose and see nothing but a frightening and gloomy future ahead for me. I no longer have any goals, ambitions or even motivation. Everything is robotic as if my life is on auto-pilot. I'm afraid to go into specifics about anything for fear it will be exploited or used against me in some way and so I'm never really able to express how I feel in any meaningfull depth and so I feel all alone like a prisoner in my own mind. I worry about the state of things in the world. I worry about other people's problems as if they were my own. I have so many worries I can't even remember them all. They control my life. They practically consume my every waking moment.

Ok, here is an example or two. Let's say I had an appointment to see a psychiatrist on a certain date. Some people might take it with a grain of salt. Others might actually look forward to it. A few might be a little nervous. In my case however, my mind kicks into high gear and then the "what if's" start. What if they think I'm insane, lock me up and force me to take drugs that I am deathly allergic to?. What if they don't really think I'm insane but claim they do just to lock me away and collect off my health insurance?. What if they commit me, I am asaulted by another patient, am forced to defend myself and end up with a charge?. What if they force me to take some medication that kills me?. What if they commit me, drug me up so that I look "crazy" and I end up being there for the rest of my life?.

And another one. What if my dog bites someone and I get sued or locked up (or both)?. What if my dog gets loose, runs in front of a car and someone is killed or seriously injured?. What if my dog gets sick, I can't afford to pay the vet bill and I get locked up for "defrauding" the vet or something?. What if the dog gets sick, I can't afford to take it to the vet, the dog dies and I am charge with animal cruelity?. What if the dog gets loose, gets hit by a car and I am unable to cope or function because of the loss?.

I obssess and worry about loved ones dying, getting into an automobile accident, getting a disease, being all alone in life with no friends or family, being homeless, being assaulted by someone or something, not having enough money to pay the bills, having my possessions stolen, finding myself in an impossible catch-22 situation, being overwhelmed and having a major panic attack, things going on in the world (ie; war, brutality, corruption, greed, injustice, people's attitudes, etc). Sometimes I just wish I could have my own little island all by myself to get away from it all but somehow, I get the feeling that I would still find something to worry or obssess about (like sharks at high tide or being swept out to sea, etc).

And oh yes, I get all the brain shocks, dizzy feelings, adrenalin rushes, brain fog, loopy feelings in my head and all the other crazy symptoms that anxiety produces. Right now I feel like a lobotomized zombie from some horror movie.

I could provide lots of specific examples but it would take up page after page. With each of my many fears comes heaps of time-consuming and exhausting "coping mechanisms" or repetative tasks to make the fears and obssessions "go away" and yet the fears, obsessions, etc never seem to go away. I have had tons of tests and seen lots of different specialists. I have been on Ativan for along time, several different anti-depressants as well as a number of other meds with only limited benefit. I am writing all of this in the hope that someone here can relate and/or share their own experience. Something like "yeah, me too" or "sure, that sounds familiar". I have no idea what is causing this but I have several appointments lined up. Perhaps depression. Perhaps OCD. Perhaps anxiety. Perhaps panic disorder. Maybe all four. I know it's not fun - at all.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

- BlueJay49

[BlueJay49]

I have been giving all of this some thought lately. Everyone deals with various stresses in their lives from time to time. Life is not perfect and there will always be ups and downs and things that cause us anxiety and stress (ie; a troubled marriage, an important upcoming speech, fear of losing a job, health concerns for yourself or someone you care about, worrying about not being able to pay your bills, being homeless, etc).

While any of these (and many more I can think of) may be perfectly legitimate reasons to worry, in people such as ourselves, they become greatly magnified so that a hill becomes a mountain or the puddle becomes an ocean. Also, our minds tend to greatly exaggerate these worries through catastrophic "what if" thinking as we imagine every possible scenario where things could go horribly wrong and result in disaster.

Many mornings when I first wake up I just lay there for an hour or more with my mind racing through all kinds of "what ifs" and by the time I finally get out of bed I would be exhausted and it would take forever to start my day. With each frightening new thought would come a rush of adrenalin shooting through me resulting in an intense feeling of fear and panic. Sometimes I'd break out into a sweat. The "what ifs" would also include catch-22 scenarios where I would feel trapped with no way out. Then the panic would begin. Sometimes a mild worry would become a huge one or one worry would morph into 3 different worries. Almost always the various worries would line up in my mind as each took their turn tormenting me.

The daily routine/cycle is pretty much always the same. Spend all day in an ever-increasing (and very intense/growing) state of fear, anxiety, stress and deep depression. Go to bed miserable. Sleep in very late and wake up the next morning and lay there for a good hour recycling all the "what ifs" and not wanting to get out of bed. When I finally do get out of bed I am exhausted and have a difficult time starting my day and have zero interest in anything because I'm feeling so completely overwhelmed (like a deer in the headlights).

Today I have begun taking Celexa. I think I might be starting to feel just a little better. Time will tell. I hope it works. Thanks again to all of you who read this. It means a lot and is truly appreciated!.

- BlueJay49

i do hope you get to feeling better.

hugs to you

[BlueJay49]

Thanks for the hug and the reply.

I posted the initial topic about 8 days ago but when I came back to post the second one, I noticed that there were no replies. I was just wondering if there was something about my post that was offensive to anyone or perhaps I'm missing something. I spent a lot of time pouring out my feelings and I just kind of feel like maybe there is a reason why it's still sitting here. Obviously, if I said something wrong, I truly apologize. Please let me know. Thank you.