Oversensitivity and other stuff

I guess I knew this all along, but tonight I realized I am so over-sensitive it's ridiculous and I don't know if that's a natural character trait or the fact that anxiety rules my life and makes me so rigid.

Tonight I offered some help to someone and it really did seem like what I offered could make a difference, and back came a curt reply saying no without even a thank you for offering. I took that so personally and started feeling like whatever I offer, no one ever accepts and I'm unable to help anyone. Then came the poor me crap.

Maybe it's stemming from feeling absolutely lousy. I really thought I was improving, but it's beginning to look like the higher dose of Lamictal my psych put me on (350 mg) is worsening things. My appetite is wonky (and my nerves already make it hard to eat even when I'm hungry) and suddenly I have an aversion to certain foods. I had a protein deficiency last year before panic/bad anxiety returned and was able to bring it up to normal levels. Now it's got to be in the toilet again because meat is the last thing I want to eat.

I keep worrying I have cancer or some awful disease that is keeping me from gaining weight, although my brain says, "Geisha75, you're taking in far fewer calories than before, so how can you weigh the same as you used to?"

Since my Christmas post, old bitter feelings about my parents are resurfacing thanks to unpleasant childhood memories and that's probably not helping.

Therapy is out for now. I just came away from seven years with the same woman and it was 99% useless. I kept going because she was comfortable and a place to vent to, but no decent advice was ever given other than the usual meditation and yoga crap. I have tried meditation. My mind races like a hamster wheel and before I know it, I can't take being alone with my brain and just sitting there blankly listening to some voice on my iPad or the silence in my mind. My husband asked why I watch videos and play iPad games at the same time once in awhile and I told him it's because I just can't be alone with my brain or my thoughts. My brain torments me endlessly with obsessions. Yoga did nothing but make me furious.

My last two therapy sessions left me in tears because she came at me hard. Why is beyond me. It's possible that it was because I had stopped going to her for months and then started again. This woman liked her money and she wasn't getting her $85/week while I was on hiatus. Yes, I know I have borderline personality problems and can be very black and white, but she didn't need to get snotty about it. I fully admitted I was confused and unable to see the gray areas in life.

I guess I'm just very tired and burned out. 2012 has been a long year of distress and 2011 was too for a different reason (family member's serious illness). I fear 2013 because 13 is an unlucky number (Mom made sure to teach me that).

I see my psych in a couple of weeks and she is the sweetest lady, but she is going to hit a brick wall with me because I didn't take the Luvox she prescribed (the loss of appetite side effect is common and is absolutely not an option) and Lamictal seems to be bothering me. Other than Cymbalta, I have tried almost every SSRI/SNRI out there. Did I mention I'm bipolar NOS? My last psych told me no one with bipolar should be on anti-depressants, and I've read that too.

Sorry to bug you all with yet another thread. The frustration is just getting to me.

sorry this happened- that person is not worth your time, if they can't accept the fact you're trying to help them.. then simply don't ask them anymore- it's not your fault at all... i am sure you are a great person

can relate with the therapy thing.... it's so pushed in to the ground- i'm another person who found it 99 percent crap, as you put it

hang in their!

Just a thought ... yes, I am sensitive, too. I get it. But when someone tells me I am "so sensitive" it is usually a slight or put down. It used to hurt me a lot. And I would start beating myself up about it, too.

But the last person that said it to me, knowing her quite well, I refused to take it anymore and remarked, "that is why you are where you are, and I am where I am." (meaning, I would much prefer to be me than a total b**** like you).

She stopped insulting me immediately. In fact, we barely speak now. We both know where we stand.

It is totally unnecessary and uncalled for when someone does not decline an offer graciously. It is their bad. You have a right to feel offended / hurt.

The good news....it has nothing to do with you. You are a good, kind, thoughtful person. That is a good thing. Dont let these idiots get to you. They are lacking. Not you. Time to stop apologizing for extending yourself to others.

Another example, I was super frustrated at work because my counterparts in the NY office were total jerks, with no manners or business etiquette. They definitely had no clue about the Golden Rule. To me, it applies in many instances, even at work. I got so fed up that I stopped making an effort. They are as obnoxious and rude and unprofessional as ever, but I just dont care anymore.

Please try to not be hard on yourself. You are lovely and caring. Whatever the reason, nature / nurture / circumstances. Whatever the case, do what you are comfortable doing, being yourself. If people are s****, shame on them.

Thank you, shattered and Rose! I have since found out this person is the founder of the group I offered my help to and she's currently inundated with work because the group is just getting started, so perhaps her curt reply was just because she was trying to answer as many emails as possible.

So I didn't feel as bad when I figured that out. Plus replying from a phone doesn't allow for much typing. Still, a thanks would have been nice. It's only six letters! Or even thx!

I just hope my psych appointment in two weeks goes OK. I know she will be kind to me despite my not taking the Luvox she prescribed, but she might be frustrated. Heck, I would be too. She may try to put my fears to rest and urge me to try it, but if not, I worry what she might want to try next if I refuse. She mentioned other mood stabilizers, but good gravy, Depakote and Lithium sound like two of the scariest drugs ever. (She didn't mention them in particular, but those are pretty popular, aren't they?)

Thanks again for your kind words.

Geisha75, I relate to what you are saying. My therapy is the same- a place to vent but no good advise or adjustment to keep moving forward. shame.

Another thing: I don´t eat meat. Only fish and veggies. You don´t need meat to get protein.. i.e. meat or chicken gives you around 22/24gr of protein but broccoli or spinat gives you 42gr. of protein. So what I do is try to make spinat smoothies to get my share, and I also love fried broccoli with garlic Try to eat your greens and your protein intake will be perfect. I have little apetite and also drink one proteinshake/drink a day which gives me 25gr. of protein.
Take care.

Hi Guys,
Here's a quote by a very good psychologist:"Anxiety is a crisis of self-esteem." And the guy that said it,has great
books on it,in fact,he's one of the foremost
writers on the subject.So please do get this book of his:"The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" by
Nathaniel Branden--you won't regret it.
Kindest Regards,
BLUEDOVE

Thanks, Bluedove. I have the book saved in my bookmarks and I think I'll get it soon as I got a bunch of Barnes and Noble gift cards recently.

My self-esteem is just wrecked. I don't think I've ever had much more than a shred of confidence in myself for my entire life, but now it's especially bad. I don't trust myself on anything - even making out checks is something that I obsess over and double-check about three or four times before finally mailing them off. It's amazing how anxiety can just slowly suck everything out of you.

My problem with self-confidence most likely stemmed from me being extremely overprotected and having a mom and dad who doubted me. My mom wouldn't even let me drive 10 minutes to a friend's house because I would have had to make a left turn without a green arrow. Guess what resulted? A fear of left turns without arrows. That took awhile to resolve and it's still not entirely gone.

Those sorts of things went on from childhood right into my adult years and it's probably wrong to place blame on her since she was raised that way too, but it did some damage. Thankfully I never wanted kids. If I did, I'd worry I would do the same to them.

Anyway, thank you for the book rec!