[Needin Help]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, since it's OCPD and not OCD, but I figure it can't hurt.

I feel like my OCPD is going to be the death of me. I started college at 31 and am now 36- and I still have 2 more years before I will get my Bachelor's degree. I have learning disabilities, so I understand that I can't go a the same pace as everyone else, but I can't even manage 3 courses and NO job. I attribute this to my OCPD taking on a life of its own.

I work so hard to complete my assignments, but I seem to never get any of them finished. When it's making a lesson plan (I'm an education major) I can't even make a decision on where subject or grade to focus on, so I usually have my professor pick for me. It helps to have that decision made for me, but then I get so hyper-focused on making the perfect lesson - which would be one that works for all learning styles, abilities, and level of language acquisition. My professors try tell me not to stress over it, but I can't help it. There have even told me they are more concerned that I know how to make a lesson, and less about whether it is perfect, but I can't seem to get my brain to accept doing sub-par work.

I'm so tired of having my professors tell me that I just need prioritize better and make time for schoolwork. They honestly don't believe me when I say that I spend 7 days a week in the library, almost always 7:30am-7:00pm. It's like they can't fathom that somebody could actually spend that much time working on schoolwork, and that doesn't even include the time I spend when I get home.

All of this stress has brought my depression back too, and because the depression has gotten so severe, my therapist is now focusing more on it than the OCPD. I understand her reasoning (trying to keep my suicidal thoughts at bay), but I feel that my depression can't get better to my OCPD is under control. I get my therapy from the Psychology Clinic on campus, so my therapist is a grad student. Each semester I get a new person, but it looks like I will actually have the same person for this coming semester. She's very nice, but she shifts the focus around a lot, so I really never have time to see if a certain approach works. I can't afford to go anywhere else, and I don't want hurt her feelings, but I just feel like it is all so hopeless.

[Feral_Cat_Lover]

((Hugs))

[OrangeMoira]

Could you try explaining to your therapist that if she helps you to control your OCPD you may be able to accomplish more, which will help you feel more empowered and maybe decrease the depression? I know my depression is worse when I feel stymied by a situation I don't know how to fix; it's even worse if I feel like I caused the problem.

It's very thoughtful to worry about your therapist's feelings, but respectfully asking to see another practitioner and explaining your concerns is not wrong in any way. It may help her to hear that feedback. Or it may help your communication with her if you two talk it out and decide to keep working together. You might even tell her that you are afraid of hurting her feelings; I think that is good information for you to explore in a session, if you are up for it. Ultimately, it is not your job to protect your therapist! She is there to help you! You deserve to get effective help from someone you connect with; sometimes people just don't work together well. Happens all the time in therapy, really!

Would you be able to give your professors a basic understanding of OCPD so that they can be more helpful in their feedback? If you let them know what specific challenges you face (and maybe remind them that you are actively working to treat your disorder through therapy), they might be more positive.

I'm guessing that your OCPD kicks up even more when you have to face responses from professors that you can't predict--maybe if you had reason to assume that they will be understanding, it would ease up a bit? I can understand not wanting them to know, though.

By the way, 3 courses at a time is a lot. I graduated on time and only took 4 courses most semesters. It sounds like you expect a lot from yourself! I have a friend who took over ten years to get her degree. She has a great job now. I can understand wanting to get done faster, but I hope you're also proud of what you've accomplished with a learning disorder and a PD to deal with.

[Needin Help]

Originally Posted by OrangeMoira

Could you try explaining to your therapist that if she helps you to control your OCPD you may be able to accomplish more, which will help you feel more empowered and maybe decrease the depression? I know my depression is worse when I feel stymied by a situation I don't know how to fix; it's even worse if I feel like I caused the problem.

It's very thoughtful to worry about your therapist's feelings, but respectfully asking to see another practitioner and explaining your concerns is not wrong in any way. It may help her to hear that feedback. Or it may help your communication with her if you two talk it out and decide to keep working together. You might even tell her that you are afraid of hurting her feelings; I think that is good information for you to explore in a session, if you are up for it. Ultimately, it is not your job to protect your therapist! She is there to help you! You deserve to get effective help from someone you connect with; sometimes people just don't work together well. Happens all the time in therapy, really!

Would you be able to give your professors a basic understanding of OCPD so that they can be more helpful in their feedback? If you let them know what specific challenges you face (and maybe remind them that you are actively working to treat your disorder through therapy), they might be more positive.

I'm guessing that your OCPD kicks up even more when you have to face responses from professors that you can't predict--maybe if you had reason to assume that they will be understanding, it would ease up a bit? I can understand not wanting them to know, though.

By the way, 3 courses at a time is a lot. I graduated on time and only took 4 courses most semesters. It sounds like you expect a lot from yourself! I have a friend who took over ten years to get her degree. She has a great job now. I can understand wanting to get done faster, but I hope you're also proud of what you've accomplished with a learning disorder and a PD to deal with.

Unfortunately I think, or at least it has been my experience, that the grad student therapists come ready to implement the strategy that they are most comfortable with, even if it's not what works best for the client. It took me several sessions just to get my last therapist to understand that I wasn't concerned with the fact that I have a fear of public speaking (to an adult audience)... I have WAY more important issues that I needed to be addressing. I also get the feel that they have some sort of checklist of techniques/approaches that they must complete by the end for the semester, because some of our discussions and homework seem to come out of left field, and we jump from approach to approach a lot. I've been told that a clinic supervisor monitors the student therapist, and they are a camera in the room, so I'm afraid if I say anything or make any suggestions, the supervisor might give my therapist a bad mark. It's really hard to know when I'm being too critical because of my need for control vs. it being a valid issue that anyone would have. I will try to express some of my concerns when we get back in session though.

It was actually suggested a couple of years ago that I bring in a little info sheet on OCPD to give to my professors, I did that for a couple of professors, but I felt like they saw it as a bother, and that they were thinking "I didn't sign up to deal with this kind of needy student," so I gave up on giving them a synopsis. Also, it can be so hard to get them to make an appointment with me. It seems almost all my professors would rather you just talk to them before or after class, and while I'm an open book to my professors, I certainly don't want discuss my issues in front of my peers. I will say though, I have been blessed with very accommodating professors, although there has only been two professors that made me feel like they halfway understood some of my issues. The vast majority of them seem to just be accommodating because they are either laid back professors who are lenient with everyone, or they there are the ones that say, "your registered with student disability services?, O.K., just tell me what you want accommodations for" - this just makes me feel like they don't care, and that they think I just want a free ride. Accepting any accommodation makes me feel like such a failure, even though I would never think that of the special needs students that I will one day be teaching.

Honestly, I just don't think people without OCPD will ever be able to understand HOW anxiety provoking the slightest thing can be, or just HOW dedicated we are to doing what is asked of us. I actually have had professors say to me, "oh, we'll I know I assigned that reading or website research for homework, but I didn't really expect that any of the class would actually do it." I've gotten to the point now where I will tell my professors, "if you ask the class to go take a look at a website for homework, then you need to know that I will have to open AND read every tab, link, article, etc. that I come across on that site, so if you want something a little less thorough then you will need to be specific with me."

Well, thanks for taking the time to give me some suggestions, I really appreciate it.

[OrangeMoira]

Aaargh I typed a long response and it got eaten by the internet! I will try again tomorrow. Hugs to you! You are so good at analyzing things. You will be a great teacher!!