[pngindreamr]

I have been friends with the same two people for a very long time. One of them is like a big sister to me, she is actually my 1st cousin. She is negative and positive in my life.We have literally been best buds since we were in diapers.Another is my best friend from elementary school. Our friendships though have become strained over time and I understand that is normal. Although, I feel like it is less about the normal changes and more about them not understanding how my anxiety affects me. I feel outcasted sometimes and they who only became friends with one another through me and for years did not get along very well, are now much closer and much more alike. I have always been the mediator of them as both are my friends. And now I feel like more of an outcast. I am much more anxious, cautious and grounded than them. They are extroverted, impulsive and etc. I never knew they were so alike. I guess I feel really confused. I am reeked with anxiety about this. The one friend who is like a big sister has always caused me either joy or anxiety. She is a mixed bag. You never know what you are going to get from her. She is much better one on one. When we are in a group she has the tendency to make me feel bad, because he personality is much stronger than mine.My best friend has always been a positive force but lately I feel like I have less in common with her and more disconnected than ever.
Its more than just this. I just don't know. It's almost a new year. I feel lost. I feel like im losing the idea of who I am and what I want because all I do is try to please others. I get so indecisive and worried because of all of it. Being a people pleaser is my biggest anxiety source. I want to actually be able to decide something based on myself. I always get so indecisive and try to please everyone! It's exhausting and causes unneccesary guilt from not being able to accomplish this.

This was very long but it feels good to get it out!! Thank you anyone who reads and responds.

i think it is so awsome you have such loyal friends- not many people get a chance to hold on to a friendship so long.

[OrangeMoira]

I think it's great that you're aware of one of the reasons behind your anxiety. That will help you work through it. I understand about the guilt--not fun. It doesn't ever let you relax!

Real friends will still be there for you even after a time when you were not as connected. I think it's part of growing as a person to sometimes be more separate from the people you love--that's how you find out who you are. Maybe this will help you to feel less lost over time. Then you will have more to offer them when you are close again.

It's painful to feel left out, though. It must be really hard to see them pay attention to each other while paying less attention to you. I would feel jealous. Hope things work out better in the new year!

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi SJ.
Please don't take offense,I will try to
help.The "Pleasing Behavior" will reduce
your stature to yourself,will encourage
self-loathing,will leave you with no self-
respect,will destroy you. What it is,is,the
left-over compulsion to get 'love' and
'approval' at any cost, that you did NOT
get when you were a child.So,in effect,
you make other people into your parents,
and the only way you knew to get ANY
affection was TO PLEASE THEM!
And this
is what you are doing to yourself now;
you are BETRAYING YOURSELF so others
will like you--instead,they will look down
on you. You talk of negative and positive,
don't you know real friends are usually,
and mostly, POSITIVE?
THEY should feel
fortunate to have YOU! Which,I bet, you
never ever consider.
You need to think
more about YOU . . .YOU COME FIRST!
Everybody else comes second.You should
NOT ACCEPT poor behavior from others,
put this quote on your kitchen wall:
"You get the behavior from people that
you are willing to put up with without
protest--YOUR SILENCE IS CONSENT"
There is much more
you need to know,but I don't have time
right now,message me if you want more
info.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[pngindreamr]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I do need to give you more info. I did in fact get plenty of love as a child. I am an only child, very overprotected. My dad has anxiety too. My parents and I are close and so thats not why. I just think I learned anxiety and maybe being an only child I have never really understood people my own age. I get along better with people almost 10+ years older.