Afraid of myself...

I have a billion fears and phobias but right now I'm terrified of myself.

I'm afraid I will hurt myself or worse.

I'm afraid I'm going to die of a panic attack if I don't get help now.

I'm terrified that my very abusive ex bf will be back.

I feel like he is standing behind me and when I close my eyes I can feel him choke me.

When I lay down I feel him pinning me down hurting me.

He has done worse things than just physically and sexually abuse me.

But I don't like the R word.

I'm afraid that I will hurt myself while trying to get away from my ex that really isn't here.

But I feel like he is here.

I feel him touching me.

I feel his presence.

HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

So sorry you're so strung out, that heavy anxiety is the worst... But you have friends here that know how it feels, we care, and want to help in whatever way possible! As you said, he "really isn't here"... you've got a wicked case of "fallout" from the past events. Try changing the mood by changing the "scene" if you can, by temporarily altering the space you're in... I mean, go to a different room, turn on lights to brighten things up, go for a walk if you can do that safely, look at trees and nature and remember there is Life everywhere... it can help one get out of their own head a bit. Have you talked to anyone about these feelings? Definitely should, talk therapy can be so helpful, not so much a shrink just a social worked trained for this... I have one now that is my saving grace, after decades of misery. Keep posting here and remember you're not alone. Phone a friend? Lean on anyone that you trust, they will help you deal. Peace... Alex.

You cannot die from a panic attack.

Can your parents seek a restraining order so that ex would not be able to contact you?

Thank you so much. Really. Tahnk you!