Resolving paranoia and lingering feelings

Hello,

I'm writing this because I have had a recent breakthrough with paranoia in my life (a situation that caused me a great deal of stress and anxiety), and I would like to get some feedback on what the next step should be.

From the age of 15 until a few days ago (I just turned 26), I had the absolute belief that I had a very strong body odor – so strong, in fact, that it would cause teachers to open the classroom windows even in the middle of winter to change the air (I'm from Italy, and classrooms here are quite small, about 25 people in total plus the teacher).

I gradually convinced myself of this over the second year of high school, and gradually I started looking almost obsessively for signs that might point out to my bad body odor. I started interpreting every cough of my classmates as a sign of my bad smell. When people around me went out to smoke a cigarette, it “must” be to cover up the smell. When they looked at a magazine and turned the pages, it “must” be because they were trying to get some fresh air. When I picked up that they weren't very enthusiastic about staying in the room with me on a school trip, it “must” be because of that too (the actual reason, I now believe, is that the guilt/stress/anxiety of smelling bad made me extremely shy, reserved, and antisocial). When we went out somewhere and someone opened the car window, it “must” be because I smell. When someone ate a mint-flavored candy around me... you get the idea.

(By making this list for the first time, I am realizing just how absurd some of these beliefs were – but they felt very real to me at the time, and I suffered a lot from it, losing a lot of sleep, crying, despairing, to the point of sometimes considering suicide, though never seriously. I snapped out of the suicidal thoughts by concluding that the only way I would commit suicide would be if I had absolute certainty that the rest of my life would be more painful than pleasurable, and I was very hopeful that I would one day solve what I thought was my hygiene problem).

On occasion, the paranoia got even worse. Sometimes it got so bad that I believed that a girl in class with me, who didn't particularly like me or talk to me, purposely allowed herself to lose one year so that she wouldn't have to spend the rest of the five years of high school in class with me (in my country high school classes have the same students for the entire year). Now, even back then I thought I must be crazy to think that, but some part of me at the time believed that the cause “could”, or at list “may” have been partly me.

Now, this huge paranoia caused me tremendous feelings of guilt. I didn't want to inflict this pain upon my classmates and I believed my smell was the reason why they were avoiding me (when actually, as I now see, my guilt was simply making me very shy and antisocial). I tried a lot of different things to get rid of the “smell”. I was very clean, showering every single morning, changing my clothes regularly etcetera, but nothing seemed to work (teachers still opened the window to change the air, my classmates still smoked and coughed and seemed to avoid me...). I very often considered confronting my classmates directly about it (I really wish I'd done that now, but it's too late), but I was way, way too ashamed to do it, and I hoped that I could “figure it out” on my own and avoid the pain of my classmates making fun of me for admitting to my bad smell.

Things got a bit better in university and I believed I had solved my hygiene problem, though I wasn't sure how. A couple years later the paranoia and the guilt came back (I don't recall exactly why). But this time I was fed up. I went to my doctor and asked him directly, he told me he couldn't smell anything, and that people cough for their own reasons (at the time I thought he couldn't have been able to smell me because I noticed he was chewing gum). To make a long story short, a few days ago I became entirely fed up with it and wrote a very heartfelt e-mail to some of my closest high-school friends, asking them directly what caused my strong body odor and advising for solutions. They answered that I had no such problem.

I wasn't expecting this response at all. But I have re-read their messages several times, and I believe them, even though some things still don't make sense to me. Once I assume that I have no problem with my body odor, I can't explain some of the things that happened years ago. For instance, I believe that the teachers opened the windows in my classroom way more often compared to other classrooms. On the other hand, I know that after 10 years of constantly looking for reasons why I smelled, it's very well possible that I might never be able to explain some of those circumstances, and I must accept that.

Now, I am convinced that I don't smell badly on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level I am still confused and I'm not sure what to think. I have cried a bit and I am feeling some relief, but at the same time, some part of my gut still wants to be absolutely sure that my classmates are telling me the truth.

I have concluded that from now on, I must truly question any belief that hinders me and confront people immediately, getting other points of view. I must handle my problems while they are small instead of allowing them to grow unchecked. And to compensate for years of doing myself this injustice, I might as well balance things out and start believing things about myself that might be unrealistically optimistic, as long as they serve me to meet my goals and make me happy.

But I still feel a sense of loss for all the opportunities I missed, the friends I didn't make, the girlfriends I never had, especially when I think that I could have been ballsy and just asked my classmates directly back in high school, and avoided myself a very great deal of worry, anxiety, depression, stress, guilt, as well as the damage to my self esteem.

What might have caused this paranoia and how to I make sure this pattern doesn't transfer elsewhere in my life? And how do I get rid of these lingering feelings?

Thank you very much.

yes I know how it is. I hardly go anywhere because of it. I was at the grocery store the other day and the people were very loud. I thought the things they were talkkng about had everything to do with me and i carried it everywhere I went. Sometimes i get so bad i feel im about to pop. I could not work anymore. They mentioned taxes. well it is tax time. an old man in the laundry room was making comments. He said im not far from work. I saw you at the drug store. A lady keeps saying i havent seen you in acwhile are you sick? i can't live like this.

i was wondering if this paranoia has to do with older syblings teasing you.

No, I have an older sister but she never really teased me or bullied me in any way. However my mother usually has a hard time accepting responsibility, and I remember several instances in which, when I was a child, she blamed me for things that I felt I had absolutely nothing to do with (I felt she was often trying to put the blame on me). Maybe that helps explain the feelings of shame and guilt that I experienced. But I'm not a psychologist.

I guess its much like you say. We have to be in the habit of exposing ourselves and challenging our beliefs. It becomes easier with practice but is hard to deal with at first. Practice. Habituation.
Habituation is a decrease in response to a stimulus after repeated presentations.[

If you're having trouble with this, I suggest that you consistently start questioning your beliefs as well. The next time you see someone talk and think it's about you, go up to them and ask, "Excuse me, this might sound a little strange and out of the blue but I saw you talking just now and I thought I overheard something. Were you talking about me by any chance?" Ask this in a neutral tone. And then, take a piece of paper and tally the number of people who say "yes" vs the number of people who say "no". I think that very soon you'll have hard evidence that will challenge your belief. It might be hard to do but if you do it, you'll get rid of this one and for all.

I believe that over time as we're growing up we "pick" certain beliefs and actions that become habits and seem to work to help us with other, often unconscious problems (if we're shy, fear of interacting with others so we "invent" our own reason not to so we can concentrate on it instead of the more difficult, learning to socialize easier).

I lived alone for 13 years before I got married and I got married and when my husband would go out of town, lo and behold I'd suddenly get anxious at night, paranoid there were robbers, rapists, and thieves out there who were going to get into my house. It's easier to give in to a problem that is not likely to come true than to face my sadness and loss at being alone/left/in charge of myself (my mother died when I was quite young).

Your linger fears over how you smell reminds me of when I was having sexual problems, couldn't sleep in the same bed as a guy. One night it was so bad I had to leave in the middle of the night and go back to my own apartment to sleep alone. I was thinking about it and realized that sexually, all my "equipment" worked fine (in your case a doctor has not confirmed that you sweat/smell excessively) so it could only be a matter of a "learning" situation and I could learn to/practice my sexual/behavioral interactions with another, it was not something difficult like a true physical/sexual problem would be.

I think you can get over your sweat smell problems for good by constantly remembering that it is a behavior thing on your part, not a literal problem that you smell bad. Think of it as a "task"/job and your emotions don't need to get in an uproar anymore? It becomes just, "Oh, I have to work on that" and you follow a plan you've devised to get you closer to people and chatting/working with them.

Don't fret about the things you think you did wrong or time you think you "wasted" in the past; you were not just in suspended animation, doing "nothing", you were behaving in ways you needed to at that time to help you get to this time okay! And, you don't know that the literal behavior you did then hasn't helped you in some way; I lived in a fantasy world for my teen/young adult years instead of interacting with others (why sex/men threw me even just sleeping with them in the same bed :-) but, I have an excellent imagination now that I use constantly to problem solve; I can think of a zillion scenarios and make lightning fast connections that others envy now because I honed that "skill" by living in my head instead of the "real" world for a long time.

Wow. You provided such a heartfelt and detailed description of your suffering. I experienced something similar, except it wasn't a body odor, but just my general appearance, being "ugly." I thought my presence brought pain to other people, because I was so ugly. I had a lot of strange beliefs about it, for example, if I was out walking my dog and someone closed their curtains, it was because they couldn't stand seeing me in front of their house. There are many other things like this, strange beliefs I had that sound really stupid, are really very embarrassing to admit honestly, but they brought me so much pain and suffering.

I definitely think you're on the right track, and the first step is to start questioning your fears. Yeah, I'm no model, but I am no so hideously, monstrously ugly as I imagined, or so ugly that I'm actually distressing other people... or so I hope... well, anyway, I did things similar to you, and started asking people, and getting answers that had nothing to do with me (maybe they closed the curtains because there was too much light coming in and putting a glare on the TV screen).

As for the lingering feelings... I think this just improves with time. I don't know if it's something I'd 100% ever just completely get over, because I think this kind of fear draws on our insecurity and underlying anxieties. It is still frustrating for me, because even though now I know my worries and beliefs are really stupid and irrational, I still get anxious and self-conscious. But why should I be anxious if I know my fear is irrational? The truth is: we don't have control over our feelings, and me "knowing" something and me "feeling" it are two different things that (unfortunately) don't necessarily agree. That is my opinion, anyway. I know the fears and thoughts linger, I might for a moment think the person walking behind me started down a different street because "I'm so ugly they couldn't stand to look at me anymore!" but only for a moment--then I come to my senses, and realize that it probably had nothing at all to do with me, and I can calm myself down...

The point is, the feelings become less and less frequent, and less and less intense, over time. I'm not sure if they just completely disappear. It's OK that they linger: You know what it is, you know how to deal with it. That's what's important.