[CatsRpro]

Hey... See, i'm not entirely sure what i'm supposed to put here, but I suppose I'll have to tell you a little about myself. I'm in high school, grade 10, and ever since I have been a kid, I have always been a little awkward. Before grade 7, I had no friends at school, I never talked to anyone, and I usually just spent most my time alone, which I find very depressing to think about... Nowadays, its pretty much the same, but I have 2 friends. I spend all my time with them, and I panic if neither of them are at school. I am lost without them. I never eat in the cafeteria if i'm not with one of them, because I cant handle the fact that maybe, if I buy something from the cafeteria, I might have to eat with someone I don't know. It terrifies me and I know it annoys my friends. One of my friends once told me that I have to be more independent, and that I don't need to be with her all the time, but I do feel like, that if i'm alone, i'll have a panic attack or something.

I have a very difficult time dealing with people. I avoid all social situations, except if I'm in a very confident mood, which is very rare. I rarely like to talk to people and I do not like working with others (except my friends). If I have to work with someone(and they don't tell me exactly what to do) I usually like to let them do all the work. Not because i'm lazy or stupid, its just that I don't want to mess up.

I have the hardest time talking in front of class or anyone. If the teacher asks me a question, and I'm not 100% sure I know the answer, I freeze. I just sit there and shake my head and maybe mumble the answer so that no one can hear. See, I'm a fairly smart person, I would suppose. Almost all the times that the teachers ask me a question in class and I don't answer, I'm usually right. The only time I ever felt comfortable talking in front of my class was in English class. I had to tell a story of something that happened in my past from the top of my head, and I had a really funny story to tell. Maybe it was that I really admire my teacher (more of a role model or a friend) and I want to impress him.

I just felt like ranting, and maybe have someone help me with this?

[poptart316]

I understand where you coming from, I have social anxiety as well. Are you seeing a therapist?

[CatsRpro]

No, i'm not seeing a therapist. Partly because I know that usually, they cost a lot and I don't want to make my mom pay for it...(and I can't afford it myself) partly because the thought of talking to a therapist scares me. I was going to last year around December, but then my mom asked me if I really needed it, and I told her I didn't...I was very nervous...

[camo]

You sound so much like my daughter it is scary! She is also in 10th grade - if you are my daughter, well, I guess I'll find out soon enough! But, I think it is good to talk to people with similar feelings. My daughter takes after me, so I guess you take after me too! My daughter is very sensitive and is easily hurt by people -- so, I think she avoids them because of that -- just fear. Fear of being hurt and rejected. This is why she may have only a few people in her life that she trusts to not make her feel that way. I think this is somewhat hereditary obviously because she is just like me. I try to reason with her sometimes -- like, "not everyone is going to like you" that's normal. "Not everyone is going to be kind to you", that's normal too. She needs a thicker skin to be part of a bigger social world -- and needs to understand she is not perfect. I think sometimes she doesn't "try" things because she's afraid she'll fail - so what!! Failing is actually fun sometimes -- makes you feel like you are human! She is a quiet, introverted type person, which I believe in our society is not valued enough - ESPECIALLY when you are in high school when EVERYTHING is about socializing and friends! She doesn't want to show that she is "quiet" so she goes to great anxiety when she is in social situations to be something she is not -- afterward, she feels exhaustion. I think it is ok to have "two" good friends, but, you have to accept the fact that they are different from you and don't want to spend time with one person all the time - that's ok - and the way you are is ok too! You are young - you can start now doing little things to take you out of your comfort zone. It sounds like you want people in your life, but it is up to you how many you have/want. The dividing line is "how do you feel that you have only two people in your life" and do you "feel like you are missing out of showing yourself to others and doing things you could be doing"? Sounds like you feel like you are missing out. How about, next time you know that answer, raise your hand and say it - if it's wrong, so what! What's important is that you tried - we're all wrong a lot of times - remember that! You are probably a loving, sensitive, smart, beautiful person like my daughter - really, the only person that doesn't see that is her! Nice talking to you - sorry for the long post but this subject is near and dear to my heart! Take care.