[Wolfgang34]

Sometimes called "intrusive thinking or intrusive thoughts," if that helps you any better.

I can usually go a few hours without randomly thinking morbid events such as about bodily harm, drug and sexual abuse, severe child abuse, fictional conflicts of intense rage between fictional lovers or detailed scenes of mass death and destruction on a massive scale, but when I'm alone and/or to myself they show up quite abruptly and they usually don't go away for hours. And in the process, my mood and my sleeping patterns can be effected it.

Most people say this is quite normal and everyone does this, but I can't really see the connection here nor if people really think about (or have the pleasure of) the things I think about on a daily basis. Things such as:

• People arguing and screaming
• Throwing hysterical children somewhere
• Abandoning said children somewhere
• Constant unwanted scenes of sexual abuse
• Drug abuse
• Mass murder

And so on.


No outside force is telling me to do this, I just have the bad luck to think about them. I think they're a mixture of things. Like things that bother me (not be able to adequately cater to the needs of crying or emotional children) and things I see all around me (kids in my school arguing and fighting, movie violence, my parents' old arguments, being yelled at, etc). My mind just adds in the missing pieces, amplifies them with newer material I've stumbled on to, combines them all and abruptly shows it all back to me in a much more ferocious manner.

There are two methods people have usually given me to deal with this:

• Simply stop thinking about them.
• Think about them.

To stop thinking about them only makes it worse. It like holding back a river: You can try to hold it all back all you want, but the power of the water will prevail in a stronger magnitude than you ever expected.

And to let it all out only makes me restless, inattentive, and it makes me act out my emotions in public which gets embarrassing.


One thing that has work is sort of Obsessive-compulsive in nature. Whenever I feel the unwanted thought approaching I pat my thighs, chest or arms very fast or clench my palms very tightly. It's not perfect but it does "drive" thought out temporarily.
I thought about suicide as a final method because they can be that unwanted and intrusive at times and it becomes too overwhelming to bear, but I never want it to come to that conclusion.


Any advice?

[doyoutrustme]

You can't stop yourself from thinking about it. That will just make it worse. Think about it as much as you want. They are only thoughts. If you aren't in therapy already, then sign up and try to analyze why you think this way. Only by accepting all of your thoughts, icky and not, can you get through it.

We all think about things we aren't proud of. It doesn't make you a bad person.

[Wolfgang34]

But that's the thing. When I do let it out I get moody from then on.

[spondiferous]

Wolfgang, I have the same problem. It's part of my OCD. I have EXTREMELY disturbing thoughts and when they are really bad I cannot leave my house. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb and I am going to break any second and start killing people, or just hurting them very badly, or turn into some kind of demon.
I have disturbing thoughts about hitting/kicking/beating/murdering adults, even ones that I care about. I have disturbing and distressing thoughts about doing things to children and animals. And I have thoughts about doing disgusting things that I won't mention openly in this thread but if you really want to know I am willing to share them in private. I HATE them. And sometimes I think that makes them worse. Because for me it would be one thing if it was a thought. But it's also somewhat of an urge. I frequently panic because I think I'm a serial killer in waiting and at any moment I am going to snap and become my 'true self'.
Usually people laugh off my concerns and tell me that I'm taking it too seriously and that if I were indeed a serial killer I'd have become one by now (I'm 34). Who knows, maybe they're right. It still doesn't take the power out of my thoughts. And I still cannot be alone around children or animals. I really really want to get another cat (our family cat died a few years ago and recently I have been thinking it might be time for a pet) but I'm afraid that I will be triggered. That maybe one day I will slip up and hurt it, or worse.
So yeah. I get where you're coming from. One thing I have been told, that actually does work (because it helps take the power out of it) is to look at the thoughts with a sort of curious interest. As in, Hmmm, that's interesting. What's going on there?
I know that probably sounds hokey. But when I do that I am automatically objectifying them and they no longer have the power to hurt because they have made the transition between force and object.
Hope that helps. Hope you're still hangin' around. It would be good to hear more from you.