[vincentvega]

Hello all, I've tried to keep this message as short as possible. Please don't hesitate if you have any questions. I'd greatly appreciate advice, tips, guides… any help whatsoever. Thanks.

So here's my background information.
- Throughout teens felt miserable a lot of times, depressed at stages
- Start smoking weed occasionally at 16
- Smoking weed daily at 18/19 years old
- A few weeks before my 20th birthday (I'm smoking loads at this stage) I start feeling bad when I smoke weed, I feel nervous and panicky and I keep thinking I might have a heart attack and other bad thoughts, my heart actually felt weird too, during these weeks. Still enjoyed being high though, just had weird thoughts and that feeling of panic
- On my 20th birthday (September) I smoke and drink loads and end up on my bed with my mind going a million miles an hour, thinking i'm about to have a heart attack - pure panic (luckily I was drunk so I fell asleep quickly)
- Ever since then I've felt different. I started smoking a lot less afterwards, I didn't like it anymore, it made me feel like I wasn't in control and had paranoid thoughts about something going wrong or getting a heart attack.
- Then, one day, I look up my symptoms (racing mind, lack of concentration, constant worrying/feelings of stress, paranoia about what people think, etc)
- I looked up schizophrenia (due to some people claiming marijuana can induce schizophrenia)
- I recognize some of the symptoms (racing thoughts being one of them)
- Spend the next weeks/months scared out of my mind thinking I have schizophrenia. Literally every second of the day I'm scared I'm going to hear a voice or lose my mind or go crazy. I 'scan' everything thats going on in my mind. Every thought, everything I do or say I ask myself "Is this schizophrenia" or "is this one of the symptoms?" Stress levels sky rocket.
- Then, I find out about Anxiety and every symptom I had, was a symptom of anxiety.
- Spend the next weeks calming myself down, convincing myself it's 'only' anxiety and not schizophrenia (still not 100% sure if I actually have anxiety, or any other disease or disorder)
- Read a book on anxiety and the symptoms
- Since then I think of anxiety and its symptoms pretty much non-stop, I analyze pretty much every thought and everything going on in my mind. Although, some days, I wake up and don't think of anxiety for 5, 10 minutes and then when I think of it again it feels like I'm disconnected again and overanalyzing my mind)

So that's everything that's gone on the last 7/8 months. Bare in mind I didn't go to school, didn't have a job in those months so I spent most of the time on my own. I don't have much of a social life or any hobbies. My parents also broke up months before I turned 20, which obviously caused loads of anger, frustration and stress within me.

Now I'll describe what I currently feel like:

I feel disconnected. With my surroundings, with my thoughts and with myself. I don't feel much emotions. It's like I'm going through the motions of life without actually experiencing anything. I don't get excited about things anymore, I don't get the energy or motivation to do things. I have trouble concentrating and thinking clearly. I have racing thoughts once in a while - all these memories, previous conversations, pictures, situations, "voices" (i don't actually hear them), music, thoughts etc going through my mind and I can't really control them when I get them.

The lack of emotions is the worst thing. For example, music used to inspire me and I would feel all these feelings and thoughts stream through my body and mind. Now I don't feel anything. The only thing I think about now is "You used to enjoy this". I just don't feel with it, if that makes sense?

I'm not doing much with my life either, I just sit around all day doing nothing really. I know I should be doing more with my life, and I feel as if I'm letting myself and others down. But I feel like I've been so concentrated on my mental health that I now feel empty and detached. I guess the constant pressure of doing something worthwhile with my life, but not knowing how to or having the motivation or inspiration has a draining effect on me.

So, I hope that made sense, and I hope someone out there can help me out. Please bare in mind I'm extremely sensitive to hearing about mental diseases and disorders. I worry I might have them, it's like I have mental hypochondria. So please, don't tell me I have this or that - I want to know what I can do to get out of this state. Thanks.

[magdalena77]

Hey
Sounds rough, I can relate to a lot of those feelings.I too had similar feelings after smoking pot and doing acid a lot. I didn't stop the drugs right away but slowed down then stopped. I felt like I was going crazy - but always thought, but crazy people don't know they are crazy!
I went to the doctors eventually and she told me I was experiencing paranoid episodes. I didn't want to believe it so I refused the meds. Life was pretty ****** for a couple years, but for me, most of those thoughts did go away. however, I was still soooo depressed and anxious all the time! I got onto meds for depressions and anxiety and they honestly changed my life. I could function, I didn't feel that disconnectedness and numbness. I know you said you don't want to be labelled as having any mental disorders and I don't want to do that but I do think that seeeing a doctor and being honest and open minded could really help. There is such a stigma about mental health and medication but if it helps why not right.
Hope I am not being insensitive but I really felt i could relate, so I felt compelled to tell you what helped me.

[KevN86]

Not to scare you, but this is identicle to what I went through...

Around 15 I loved pot, smoked day and night, around age 19 I experienced my very first real panic attack, not anxiety, panic attack, was sent to the ER, swearing I was having a heart attack.

I stopped smoking after that because after that, I would notice I couldn't smoke and leave home, and even felt nervous at home, if I left and went to the store ide have such thoughts as "why are these people staring at me, are they talking about me?" Etc... It all started to contribute to a hightened anxiety I could no longer tolerate.

I had already been seeing a DR for depression, but after each time of smoking, it got worse and worse, I had to quit almost immediately. Yes, marijuana can induce panic, its a fact, it can almost provoke other mental illnesses, yes, but I cannot tell you what you do or don't have.

I am now 26, after I stopped smoking pot, I started abusing pills and alcohol for years.

Long story short, my anxiety has moved to the worst possible place it could be, Agoraphobia(fear of leaving home), I absolutely cannot leave home without first taking xanax and valium, I will get intense panic and swear I'm dying. I can no longer drive for fear of passing out while driving, everything has gotten to be so irrational in my mind, I no longer have control.

If you have the money for it, or insurance, please see a psych doctor, prevent your anxiety from getting worse. I feel insane almost 24/7 and panic even at home but I have no been diagnosed with schizophrenia, rather Panic Disorder, and Agoraphobia, among Clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I am also, like you, a hypochobdriac, when I start to feel bad or a certain symptom, I immediately look it up online and find the worst scenario in everything I read.

I can relate very much. I'm no DR, I can't tell you what you do have, but I CAN say you have depression and an anxiety disorder. When those racing thoughts and chest pain turn into you swearing you are dying, that's called a panic attack, there's a difference between panic attacks and panic disorder, with me, I have panic disorder, the fear of having another panic attack sends me straight into a panic attack, its a lose lose situation for me, and has forced me into isolation, dont let this happen.

I use to love music, I use to listen to it to feel better, and the feelings that you are experiencing of being numb to it now, or not enjoying things anymore describes yet another first sign of depression/anxiety.

I suggest finding help, and don't be convinced you have schizophrenia, its unlikely. Anxiety disorders can be severe, and can get really bad, I can't even leave home, imagine that? I'm 26 years old wasting away because I cannot leave my own house.

The marijuana may have triggered your anxiety, your situation is so very similar to mine, it makes me wonder.

PM me if you have any questions, or simply post here.

Take care,

-Kevin D.

Sent from my EVO 4G - Tapatalk 2

I feel disconnected. With my surroundings, with my thoughts and with myself. I don't feel much emotions. It's like I'm going through the motions of life without actually experiencing anything. I don't get excited about things anymore, I don't get the energy or motivation to do things. I have trouble concentrating and thinking clearly. I have racing thoughts once in a while - all these memories, previous conversations, pictures, situations, "voices" (i don't actually hear them), music, thoughts etc going through my mind and I can't really control them when I get them.

Welcome ((((Vincentvega))))

I am sorry you are struggling right now. You've definitely come to a good place. Good people here with lots to offer.

I found a great T that I can share all my struggles with. It is so helpful to have someone that you can be completely honest with and work on recovery together: in person. No judgment (in person). Just tools and help to get it all out and start moving forward.

I had a similar experience and found out my Dx by working with my T.

Good luck! I hope you will continue to come here and share.

[toshtao]

It sounds to me that you really are over analyzing things. In fact, you should be getting better now that you are off your smoking habits.

Of course, saying that your paranoia if you will is a mental issue. As for motivation you probably have lost interest in things that no longer interest you due to an older age. Try something new, get a new dream. See if that works.

However, after reading your thread in more depth I can see that you really need medical help. If it is hard for you to leave the house due to agoraphobia then you need to try your hardest to do so.

Coming here to the forums was a wise decision to make. Seeing how I have not experienced this condition myself I suggest to keep reading for more information.

[MilesBeforeISleep]

Hey vincentvega,
First off, I want to say that there is hope! If you've ever read "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", this is where I say, "DON'T PANIC " in big friendly letters, since that is precisely what you need to do. No matter how far down a bad path you've gone, you can get back to your old life with time. If you want to hear my story, keep reading. But if you just want to get to the good stuff (how to get better), skip past the block.

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How do I know? Well about 5 months ago I went through a really tough experience on an LSD analog that left me shaken, weak, questioning my sanity, and just a bit damaged. The only reason I got through it for a while was my school work, which took up most of my time and thought.
However, things started to go downhill during finals week when I smoked some weed (I'm not ashamed to admit being an avid pot enthusiast at UCSC all of last year ) and had a huge panic attack, exactly the same as you described.
To fast-forward, after finals were over (the panic attack really shook me, but I somehow passed my classes with solid grades) and I came home, I felt different. I was empty, spaced all the time, and just a lot dopier in general. I didn't want to do ANYTHING and smoking weed gave me the opposite reactions that I was used to. I quit the drug for a couple weeks to find a job, but without the drug I barely felt any better. In fact, quitting just left me even more spaced and dumb, which left me depressed. All I could think about is how terrible it was to feel so dopey. And then I got meningitis.
Meningitis broke me, in mind and spirit. It made me unable to think anything for two weeks and took away all energy that I had left. My outlook on life dipped drastically, and in addition to the exact symptoms you gave in the forum (you're not alone here , the future looked awful, and I actually even contemplated ending it all at my worst . I'm not sure what kept me going, but I'm glad something or someone did because I'M GETTING THROUGH IT.
After (and even a little during) my two weeks of viral meningitis, I found work and started to occupy my time. I hated it so much, and at the time thought it was only making things worse. However, now I see that it gave me a distraction from thinking about myself, how I'd never get better, and stress about something other than myself.
A few weeks later, I still felt pretty terrible and saw myself spiraling down more and more every day. Being unable to talk to others and not having the energy to both work and recover, I almost gave up again. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel, to have fun, to look forward to anything. So in my miserable state, I turned to solving the symptoms of meningitis, mistakenly thinking all this was caused by that disease. Still, a doctor recommended acupuncture so I tried it out.
Acupuncture is the way to go; it's the way out of the ditch our lives have been in. I'm currently three weeks in and feeling loads better, almost even like my old self. I just started sleep hypnosis as well which is helping me heal and deal with my issues at a deeper level. Now here's the important part for you:

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You do not have schizophrenia. You are not insane. Something happened when you had that panic attack in your mind, and while you're feeling crushing anxiety and depersonalization on a massive scale, I honestly have no clue what's causing it in both of us. HOWEVER, I've learned how to start to get over it because I got lucky:
Step 1: Kick my favorite bad habit for a while.
I love smoking kush more than most people, but every time we smoke it, we get the polar opposite effects from what it should do for us. I've been smoking on and off these past few months, but now I'm done until I feel 100%.
Step 2: Receive alternative medicine and DRINK GINSENG TEA.
Our illness is not physical, it is mental. Xanax and other anti-anxiety/depression meds might help, but I chose to get acupuncture and meditate instead. Hypnosis can help too, along with a long list of other treatments. The important thing is we cannot consciously deal with the issue that's always on our minds, so we need to learn to relax without smoking and let our subconscious deal with healing. As for ginseng, American Ginseng contains ginsenosides that calm the mind and help with insomnia, as well as promoting strength and recovery. I doubted any of this would work from the start, but the results don't lie; give it a try .
Step 3: Distract yourself.
Ideally, do something you love doing that is low-stress. This will help you adjust back into normal life and become strong again. I've been running daily, which pushes me to my limits, which you need to rediscover. New and lower limits are meant to be tried and pushed until you reach and (ideally even surpass) your old ones.
Step 4: Socialize.
You're a 20 year-old and should be out in the world having fun. You say you can't have fun or look forward to anything, but the only way to get over that is to go out into the world and go to a concert, drink (LIGHTLY) at a party, meet new people, jam with a band, go explore somewhere new, or just pick up online gaming. Don't over-stress yourself, but try your best to have fun doing things you used to love. I went to Outside Lands this year and the first day or two, all I could think about was how I used to love this stuff, but couldn't anymore and how people must think I've got some issue for being so lethargic. The third day in, I felt better and you've really got to stick with trying to have fun to enjoy life again.
Step 5: Give it time.
Recovery from this...thing can't happen in a day. Every day I wake up a little better, but only a little. Try to maintain a positive outlook on the future, even if you can't picture a bright one. Make plans, don't stress if you can't keep them, but certainly do your best. What did you always want to do with your life? Regain interest in that, whatever it is, and keep your chin up. Things will get better, but the most important thing to take away is you will get better, and you will have grown from the turd that life threw at you. Get sleep every night, and get DEEP sleep every night. Listen to sleep hypnosis tracks while you try to sleep at night, every night.

I hope any of this helped. Stay strong and keep swimming man, life gets better. I know how terrible what you're going through is, so hit me up if you've got any more questions and I'll see if I can help. Best of luck to you, and give whatever you can a try if you're still feeling down after a year.

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Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

-Robert Frost

[Max]

I just call it hyper focus, that doesn't mean I can stop doing it, it just means I know I have to shove myself into doing something to new or different to stop it. Sometimes even tho I know what to do I can't. Noticed the less I want to get out of my comfort zone probably the more I need to and I see that as a baby step.
It's still a huge struggle.