Well I just realized that my symptoms are exact except for maybe one symptom to social anxiety and every symptom to selective mutism. I've been diagnosed with social phobia but then I read about selective mutism and was kind of just shocked because I never understood some of the things I did that were more than social anxiety and then realized that they were behaviors of people with selective mutism (like, can't say 'I love you' to family despite having a loving mom. and wanting to speak but feeling like my brain won't let me.). I didn't start to see a therapist until 18 so I still have it pretty badly though it might be slightly better compared to elementary school-high school. Anyone else and what is your experience with it? How did you get better if you did? Some people say exposure therapy but then others say it doesn't work.

And I would like to know how to make friends with this anxiety disorder. The only friend I had I'd known since I was about two so I grew up with her and could talk to her but it seems like I can't make any other friends. I've been extremely lonely throughout my entire life and want to change things now that I'm in college.

[propliopithecus]

DSM-V (p. 195):
Selective Mutism
Diagnostic Criteria 312.23 (F94.0)
A. Consistent failure to speak in specific social situations in which there is an expectation for speaking (e.g., at school) despite speaking in other situations.
B. The disturbance interferes with educational or occupational achievement or with social communication.
C. The duration of the disturbance is at least 1 month (not limited to the first month of school).
D. The failure to speak is not attributable to a lack of knowledge of, or comfort with, the spoken language required in the social situation.
E. The disturbance is not better explained by a communication disorder (e.g., childhoodonset fluency disorder) and does not occur exclusively during the course of autism spectrum disorder, schizophrenia, or another psychotic disorder.


I don’t know if “can't say 'I love you' to family despite having a loving mom” means that you had selective mutism. The specific situation is intimacy and it interferes with social communication? But you probably made other remarks to your family.
Mostly it has to do with speaking at home, but not at school, mostly by very young children.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

Some people say exposure therapy but then others say it doesn't work.

I think that only exposure therapy is not enough. Somehow you need to be exposed to talking, but it is very difficult to make a person with selective mutism talk. So beside exposure also a kind of cognitive restructuring is necessary: the best is to try cognitive behaviour therapy. Although Selective Mutism is said to be so infrequent that therapies aren’t tested very well.
I said very little in most situations and I just couldn’t get myself to say something, so I wasn’t exposed to the fact that I did talk. When I did say something I was for a long time bothered by what I had said wrong.
I wasn’t satisfied with not talking at school, but at very specific occasion something came to mind to say, I rejected that possibility. Afterwards I contrived remarks I could have made.
Later I did start talking. And at certain moments I worked quiet well. I did a kind of cognitive restructuring, I tried to train it and I also became less choosy about with whom I talked: I just had to talk during the breaks at the university with whoever that was possible.
Later I made less work of getting myself to talk, and my contacts became less. I also didn’t meet people with whom I could talk.
Starting at the university is an easy time to come into contact with other students. Also in the first years of secondary school did I talk with some class mates. I have been in four secondary school classes in total and when you switch to a class in which everyone has already made friends, making contacts is much more difficult.
Creating situations in which is it easier to talk with others is also an important element of getting yourself to talk.

I read that people with selective mutism have difficulty expressing affection and saw a documentary on a boy who couldn't say I love you. sorry if I sounded stupid to you but I read that on many different sources. I was very loud at home but didn't say a word at school. For years and years. I felt like my brain wouldn't let me open my mouth to talk even though I desperately wanted to. I was never treated as a child so it carried on to my teenage years and led to depression, panic attacks, etc. thank you for replying.

[Maranara]

I have a version of selective mutism, but mine was directly caused by my mom. I was told when I was 8 years old to "never let anyone know your personal problems" and I was never told "I love you". As a result, saying words of affection causes me extreme amounts of stress and it's almost impossible to talk about anything that is really important or bothering me. I almost get a type of amnesia. I'll tell myself "I'm going to say it this time" and then when the time comes, I'll totally forget and remember as soon as I'm no longer in that situation. This causes me gigantic amounts of stress, anxiety, and self-hatred. I was also told there was nothing wrong with me by my family and it continued with my husband; I didn't have any therapy or help at all until I was in my 40's though I've had issues my entire life. I've compensated by learning about how I work as much as possible and my "issues". While it doesn't stop my mind, actions, or behavior a lot of the time, it does make me understand myself, and hopefully that's the first step in being able to help myself for real. I get it....

[growlycat]

Sorry that you have gone through this for such a long time!!

When I was 4, I started to develop selective mutism (then called "elective mutism"). I now attribute it to an abusive daycare situation--I just lost trust in adults and was fearful of them. I spoke to my parents and some family members.

By kindergarten/1rst grade it became severe. I was ok talking to kids, teens and my grandparents but soon I only talked to my mom and dad. They did not understand it and were always mad at me which made it worse.

At one point, a teacher was concerned if I could read or not so dragged my parents and I into a conference in which I had to read aloud from a book. I was shaking I was so scared but did it. My parents were so relieved that we all went out to dinner--which made me feel even more self conscious and horrible.

It went on like this. They finally sent me to a child psychologist who spent a lot of time with me in only 1 or 2 appts. and was very kind. I didn't talk at first but finally felt safe enough to open up and responded to him. He was so sweet and encouraging but told my parents horrible advice--that I was fine and nothing was wrong with me!! So that was the end of counseling for a long time.

In 2nd grade we moved to a new town and I started a new school. No one knew my problem so it became easier to talk to other kids. I still had a hard time talking to teachers until 5th or 6th grade. I can't remember when it stopped completely.

In therapy years later, T told me that selective mutism is related to social phobia and is a form of an anxiety disorder. Which makes sense, because it is something I still struggle with.

Feel free to PM me if there is anything you want to talk about!!! I hope you find therapy useful.

[propliopithecus]

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

I read that people with selective mutism have difficulty expressing affection and saw a documentary on a boy who couldn't say I love you.

Originally Posted by Maranara

As a result, saying words of affection causes me extreme amounts of stress and it's almost impossible to talk about anything that is really important or bothering me

Some of you talk about difficulty with expressing affection; how is that related to not talking at all at school? Do you need to express positive emotion to say your first words at school? Maybe you first have to greet people in a kind way or so. And can you then speak at home because the conversations are less emotional. We didn’t express positive emotions towards each other at home and we greeted each other also in a very subdued way, or not at all. We had no problem with expressing anger towards each other.
But I still consider it implausible that you can’t say a word in certain situations, because you are not able to be kind. Or I never came over it, because, when I did talk, I was taking part in discussions and didn’t express any positive emotion to whomever. I still didn’t dare to talk with people I valued positively. I probably did force myself to talk with people I didn’t like.

[Harmacy]

I had selective mutism at school. I was able to talk to friends in small groups / one to one but was silent in most classes (One school report read "virtually mute").

It carried on into my adult life, mainly because of my choice of office based jobs. An office job feels very much like a classroom to me and I just don't think I ever got over that fear of exposing my vulnerabilities. On top of that, speaking was a trigger for blushing which I used to dread so I realized that no talking meant less blushing.

Years later I still have a problem with speaking in front of others but it's better. I don't join in group banter but can say a few words here and there. I also notice that if I don't prepare I'm ok. If someone walks up unexpectedly and asks me a question I can bat back a reply without much bother. It's just initiating speaking which is tough.

As for making friends, one thing I've learnt is that some people like quiet friends. We make good listeners. So if you like someone just use body language to start with rather than forcing yourself to speak, try and smile (which is easy if you like someone) and throw them the occasional look when they're talking and you may be approached by them.

Take it slow and don't force yourself to be who you think people want you to be - that doesn't work and will always increase anxiety and may even get you friendly with the wrong people. You want to make friends who like you for who you are. And don't despair if you don't make friends straight away - sometimes it takes a while for potential friends to reveal themselves. I've befriended people in the past who I didn't think I'd ever be friends with when I first met them.

[worthit]

I stopped talking at age 8 for 2 1/2 years. Just grunted. Even to my family, due to PTSD.

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