[SparkyCat]

I thought I'd see if anyone else here had experienced this, or has any ideas of coping with it.

I've found, sometimes, if I have a few reasonably bad days, that if I manage to get myself out of the flat and doing something (unavoidable lectures or a desperate need for food normally do it), then I find myself in a kind of...zombie state. It's hard to articulate but I kind of retreat into myself and my only concerns become the anxiety, which is still very much there, and not walking into something (which isn't always entirely successful). If it worked as an escape it would be nice but it doesn't...the anxiety is still there, but I just find it very difficult to think about everything. I'll be moving really slowly, everything feels like it takes 10 times as much effort, and I'll struggle with anybody talking to me to adequately respond.

And then I get home and there's the overwhelming sense of relief, even if I'd been desperate to get out of the house in the first place. So...I dunno. It's a very different feeling compared to when I'm just generally anxious when out and about, and I think I put it partly down to the fact that if I've had a bad few days, my sleeping pattern has probably gone utterly to pot, but I'm not sure that's all it is.

So, yeah. I just wanted to throw this out there and see if anyone had any suggestions?

[Frankbtl]

Hi Sparky, do you think the stress, anxiety and sheer effort it's taking you to "get from A to B", do "x,y,and z" is just consuming you so much that you're almost on autopilot in relation to the more "mundane" aspects. Just so much going on for you it's difficult to process the extra's??
Then again when we've so much to cope with certain areas of our "minds" can shut down/take a back seat. We can only cope with so much, right?
Lack of sleep can absolutely have a big effect as well, whereas maybe your natural response could be to just relax/rest because you're "physically" tired, your anxiety could be working against that making it even harder to function.
I should ask if you're taking any meds as well really, if you are maybe they need adjusting???
As for working through it are you seeing a professional about the anxiety (and do you think possible depression???)? Maybe it would help having some/some more input.
Aside from that though can you really pin down any triggers or thought processes leading up to those feelings. Perhaps working with those could help.
Or maybe a bit of desensitisation. Start from the beginning, set yourself some small goals and gradually push your levels of tolerance.
Any distractions you could use to help you when out as well?? e.g. wearing headphones/listening to music or calming sounds.
Perhaps you could try some meditation or mindfulness techniques as well?? Whether you're using them when out or planning breaks when you're out when things are really tough to just sit and spend a few minutes on them. Worth at least a try?
Noted you mentioned lectures as well. Do you think that college (??) work is stressing you a little? Perhaps if you talked to lecturers (??) for a little extra support and tried a few different study techniques that might help just a little?
Just a few thoughts, sorry if you've heard them all before. But above all for now: Get some sleep!!
Around if you want to talk some more though.............
Alison

[SparkyCat]

Sorry for the slow reply, here.

I'd say that the fact that it just takes a huge amount of effort could certainly explain why I'm left with no energy or mental capacity for anything else really. I'm mostly only sleeping when I'm so physically exhausted that I just switch off - I've fallen asleep with my glasses on and the lights still on on so many occasions over the last few weeks.

I've been referred to a service here for anxiety, but also depression, but resources are limited and I'm just about holding myself together so for now I'm just going to a stress control group.

I've been trying to learn meditation but I've found mindfulness not exceptionally useful - my anxiety just endlessly butts in and I find it even harder to function then.

My Uni's aware of everything that's going on but if I'm quite honest, my work is basically what's keeping me going right now. I love what I'm studying and part of my frustration is when all this stops me working - but right now, it's a new semester and I'm throwing myself into it as much as I can and it seems to be doing good - reminding me that there are things I can enjoy and that the anxiety doesn't have to rule me life. I'm adjusting to having gained a bunch more lectures this semester but again, it's keeping me busy and that's good. I'm out of exam season, which is always a good thing!

I also struggle with walking around with headphones - I worry and get nervous about what I can't then hear, and this is partly, I suspect, the fact that I grew up in the middle of nowhere (by british standards at least) and am now in a city and that's a very different environment which I'm still adjusting too.

My sleep is abysmal but it's also semi-regular, as it's forced to be by my timetable, so I think as I work to try and get the anxiety in check I'll hopefully be able to sort it out a bit more.

Edit: Also, as I managed to forget, I'm not on any meds right now and am trying to avoid them as far as possible. I know what my body does when it gets annoyed at me and it really, really isn't very pleasant, and even the risk of anything that gets close to that is enough to make me want to battle it without that first.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, from the UK too
It is really good that you're following through with the stress control group and really make the most of it! But I know what you mean about resources/the service/s for anxiety and depression, I'd just say keep chasing it up, keep phoning to "check up when it might be coming through" and add reminders of how important it is for you.
As for Uni I think it would be natural for anyone to feel a real pressure when they're facing a bunch more lectures and especially with the way you've been feeling.....so I'd say that you're doing SO well in beginning to adjust, just keep reminding yourself of that!!
And try not to think about where it's all gong as much?? If you enjoy the subject/s let that be THE thing in your mind not so much the "next week/year"s.......
And by the sounds of it major achievements going on there (achievements can be measured in so many ways remember) allow them to give you more of a boost/confidence in what you're doing.
The headphones thing I can get, maybe make you feel a little vulnerable too?? But how about remembering a "catchy" (and positive ) bit of a song you like, something really simple, that you can kind of sing along to in your head if things are getting hard?? Maybe with a bit of practice???
As for the sleep I'd throw at it as much as I could e.g. aiming for a specific "bedtime" routine....warm milk/hot chocolate, a "winding down" period, "relaxation"/nothing stimulating beyond a certain time, putting a clock forward to trick yourself it's later, bringing everything forward in time to think that it's later than it is, having "soft" easy listening music on beforehand, doing something that "chill's" or even bores you- for some that can be reading something less "gripping".
It's always going to take time to reset the "body clock" but try not to let it make you anxious if it's not working for a while, sometimes a lot of patience and perseverance can help just a little.
The meds thing though: maybe/hopefully you can avoid them on the track you're going down, but if it does need to come to that then maybe explain your concerns to your doctor. You needn't necessarily have to take anything that strong, just something to help "take the edge off" while you're working on different things that can help. I suppose I'm just saying don't worry about it eventually getting to that point because that point may not be so bad. And the focus on/worry about that can just make things even worse.
Lastly, just got to admire your honesty with the Uni about how things are going for you, just keep it up. I'm sure you already know (?) it's nothing to be "ashamed" about.
Alison

[SparkyCat]

I've had a couple of really good days and I'm currently trying to just capitalise on that and make the most of it - see if I can carry this momentum through. I'm not generally looking further than about next week - for the practical reasons of how my course works, that's kinda as "soon" as I can get away with, but for the most part I'm just dealing with things as and when they come.

That idea with the song is a fantastic one! I already have a song that I think I might use, so I'll definitely try it.

I'm definitely trying to keep myself in a general routine - including time for me to stop and relax! I probably can't push my clocks forwards until such a point as I'm not up when my electric meter clicks over, as that's very obvious and I can just see myself panicking/screwing up and using something expensive before it does actually click!

I'm certainly not entirely ruling meds out as an option - but I'm currently aiming to keep off of them as far as I possibly can.

And I had to be honest with the Uni really - I have the very physical thing of fainting and it'd be frankly reckless to not tell them about that given the course that I am doing.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Sparky, just a passing thought but I'm really wondering if you're really giving yourself enough credit for well.........everything??
You have got real interests (and it sounds like talent!), you are pushing yourself, you are pushing past real barriers/obstacles, you are really achieving in some areas, you are trying/have tried different things to help, you sound like you've got great insight, you are pushing for the help you need.............
I'm not for a second saying that the depression and anxiety aren't VERY real for you, but do you think that if you focused a bit more on how well you're actually doing/you've actually done despite the way you've been feeling that might help you just a little bit????
Wondering as well whether you may be putting too high expectations on yourself which may be making it even harder to achieve what you otherwise would have without so high expectations??
Maybe the setting smaller goals and doing some action planning may help in some areas. You do seem to be doing that a bit, but if you can relieve any extra pressure that way........., and count everything you do achieve as a bonus.
Like I said you do have great (make that excellent ) insight though e.g. keeping busy when it helps, fitting in time for relaxing, pacing yourself, aiming for a routine, do you think you could trust in that a little more OR focus a little more on following that, even persevere more along those lines even if it looks like things aren't working too well?
Now this is probably going to be a REALLY stupid question!! But have you tried the more usual strategies for anxiety e.g. deep breathing, relaxation techniques etc??
Anyway this might go nowhere but attaching a couple of links for depression/anxiety IN CASE they may help:
Dealing with Depression: Self-Help & Coping Tips to Overcome Depression
Anxiety UK
The site just for anxiety also has a helpline if it may be useful??
Of course I'm still around though if you want to talk more.
Alison