Do I Need Help?

I'm not sure if I'm unhealthy or if I'm just a loser or a worrywart.

I suppose my biggest problem is that I basically have subpar social skills. I mean, I make small talk with people, listen about their lives, and I can get the occasional laugh out of people, but I've never really meaningfully connected with anyone outside of my immediate family. The last time I had a friend was when I was a 16, and we weren't particularly close. Although I've been sexually attracted to girls, I've never had what I would consider a proper crush. I've thought about asking someone out, but I have no idea what would be the proper way to do so, and pretty sure that the vast majority (if not all) of women would reject me. Sometimes this doesn't bother me at all, and I'm content with the possibility that I'll never really have a close relationship with anyone. Other times I get really depressed and ashamed about it, and I'll desperately search out clubs in my area and look up a relationship advice on the web. Nothing usually comes out of this, even on the rare occasion that I do try to join a club I don't usually stick it out because I feel nervous and shy and it seems like everyone there already has all the friends they need.

I've occasionally wondered if I have autism of aspergers, both because of my aforementioned social failures and the fact that I have a...clapping reflex I've had since I was a child, where I'll go out of it and start compulsively clapping whenever I'm excited. But I don't think I lack empathy for people, and I've taken those online tests where you're supposed to read people's eyes for certain emotion and passed with a higher than average score. Plus I brought it up my concerns with a therapist a couple of years ago and she said that I didn't seem to have aspergers.

The other big problem I've had is anxiety, and its for these issues that I saw a therapist a couple of years ago. It all started after I got involved in a hit-and-run incident when I was 18 years old. The damage to both of our cars was minor, and all I ended up getting was 24 hours community service, but I was rightfully ashamed about what I had done and worried that I would make the same mistake again. About 6 months later I started getting these paranoid thoughts thoughts that I had hit other cars while I was driving and not realized it. It gave me these huge anxiety attacks because I was sure that the police would not believe me when I told them because of my prior record, and that they would send me to jail. The only way I could relieve my anxiety was by carefully inspecting my car every time I got out, running my hands along the sides to make sure they didn't have any dents, and if I found so much as a scratch I would spend the rest of the day with my stomach in knot, waiting for the police to come to my house and arrest me. The worst episodes were when I felt a bump in the road or heard a weird sound, and I would begin to worry that I had run over someone without realizing it. I eventually went to see a therapist about this issue, and she said that I might have a mild form of obsessive-compulsive disorder or something. However the issue kind of went away on its own, so I stopped seeing her.

My next few episodes of anxiety occurred over the past year or so. The first episode was religious in nature, I began to worry that I was a bad person who was going to burn in hell. The fear was so intense at times that I began to behind in my classes. The second began while I was working as a cashier at goodwill. A lady got angry at me because I put her change on the counter instead of in her hand, calling me racist. I began to worry that she would go on the news accusing me of being racist, and that everyone would shun me because they thought that I was racist. These thought would keep me awake at night, and I for the rest my employment there I was constantly worried that I would piss off another customer. The third and final episode began last December during finals, where I became overwhelmed and began worrying that I was going to fail all of my classes. I was absolutely miserable the whole month, though I ended up acing all of those finals in the end. I haven't had an anxious episode since then.

It was during these episodes that I began to... binge drink, I guess, to help me sleep at night. At first all I had to do was drink a glass of wine really fast to get a nice buzz and forget about things for awhile, but eventually that stopped working so began to drink a glass of wine and a beer, then a glass of wine and two beers, then a glass of wine, two beers, and a shot of hard liquor, etc. etc. I kept this up until this February, when I began to get worried about how much I was drinking and stopped for a few of weeks. I recently began drinking a bit again in anticipation of midterm and essay stress, but not nearly as much as I was drinking before.

...and that is way more than I originally intended to post. I apologize for this lengthy and narcissistic post. I just wonder sometimes if something is really wrong with me or I'm just going through what every twenty-one year old goes through.