[HelloWorld18]

I'm a 19 yr old male, and I've always been deathly afraid to show my parents what puberty has done. Stupid and weird I know. When I started getting body hair, I shaved it off. Then when I got to an age where I was supposed to have it, I stopped but hid it. For example my legs. When I had to stop shaving my legs so people didn't look at me weird, I stopped wearing shorts. But continued shaving my arms. My parents haven't seen me in shorts since I was in 5-6th grade and I'm in 12th. Not until 10th grade did I start wearing shorts again, and I was deathly afraid. My parents didn't know I wore shorts, as they've never actually seen me wear them since 5-6th grade. I would actively avoid them from seeing me while I wear and wore shorts. Only once has my dad seen me in shorts, and 2-3x has my mom seen me.

When I first wore shorts to school (I walk to school), I found it to be a sexual thrill. Very weird, very odd. Yes. I felt as if I was doing something I shouldn't. Very self conscience, but invigorating and thrilling at the same time. Not until a year ago did I start shaving (I have a disorder which causes delayed puberty), and there's been times where I've been too lazy to shave, so what I do is completely avoid my parents and family. If I'm around when I'm unshaven, I hide my face. I hide my razor and shaving cream so my mom can't see it (I don't hide it at my dads;parents divorced; because they don't go in my bathroom), she hasn't seen it a single time.

I've been debating with myself on whether I should shave my arms. But I just trim all my body hair for now (trimmers). Away from family, I've become fully comfortable with my legs. But I am deathly afraid to be around my family with my legs. I've considered getting hair lightener to lighten it, but haven't yet.

Basically, any signs of being "turning into a male adult" I've hidden from my family.

Thoughts? Any name for this fear I have?

[not quite right]

There are many ways of self harm. I knew people who cut themselves, done drugs, etc. I cut & dye my hair. Not sure if that's along the lines of your problem, though. I wonder if maybe long ago someone drilled the ideas that being a man is disgusting and the thought never left. If you look around this Wonderland of helpful & understanding folks I bet you could find another with your (or similar ) issues. Warm thoughts for you. I hope you find your answers

[Koko2]

Do you avoid dating or showing signs of interest in the opposite sex too? You're a man now, and it's okay to grow up. Your parents became adults at some point in their lives. I was teased once as a teen for having hairy legs, and I shaved them afterward. I didn't shave them again because there's nothing shameful or ugly about having hair on your legs.

[Perna]

I think your disorder and your parents' divorce has done a number on you. I would talk to a counselor at school or your doctor about it all, see if they can suggest someone to help you get more permanent counselling. Trying to make yourself "invisible" won't help anything, especially you as you grow older and move away from your home environment.

[HelloWorld18]

Originally Posted by Koko2

Do you avoid dating or showing signs of interest in the opposite sex too? You're a man now, and it's okay to grow up. Your parents became adults at some point in their lives. I was teased once as a teen for having hairy legs, and I shaved them afterward. I didn't shave them again because there's nothing shameful or ugly about having hair on your legs.

Yes. I have had one "girlfriend" (my first one, not a real relationship though) and I kept it a secret from my parents. I was 18 years old. I do plan on hiding all relationships.

I don't talk about girls or anything. If I'm around a girl who is attractive I don't make it obvious. My dad asked me 3 years ago if I liked girls, that conversation was extremely awkward and caused a panic attack. I look back now and it causes a miniature attack.

Is it possible that you need your parents to only see you as a child? If so, then what you are doing is understandable.
What's behind this thinking needs to be explored by a professional.

[Koko2]

It seems like you're shameful about your parents knowing about your sexual maturation. I had similar feelings, and was the only kid in my class who didn't take the 6th grade teacher's sex class paperwork home to discuss with parents per his instructions. But we all grow up and have sex. Even your parents grew up and had sex with each other.