[birdpumpkin]

My mom is out of the hospital now finally!! I visited yesterday evening and said I'd return today and intend to around noon. She's going to need a lot of help for awhile, though she has dad there. I find I'm really anxious this morning about it, though. I'm afraid I'm already being pesty. I'm not used to just popping in on them whenever I please. It's just that I realized when she was away that I need to call and visit more. I realized how important she and dad are to me, and I would go days to a week and not see or talk to them, and I'm only 4 miles away. I want to be there more, but it's not my norm and seems to be scaring me.

[gayleggg]

Believe me, you will be glad you spent closer time with them. I was in the same position a few years ago, but lived further away. I made a point to go see them every chance I got and I not sorry I did so. They have both passed away and I miss them terribly. You are doing the right thing. You'll get used to it.

[Frankbtl]

Hi birdpumpkin, I'd say that you visiting should be seen by your mom and dad as a really thoughtful, considerate, caring gesture and absolutely not pesty.
And it is so nice that you've realized how close you guys could be, and the kind of relationship you could be having. It sounds like they mean a lot to you. Time can go by so quickly and you look around and regret what could have been, but it's never too late!!
So don't feel anxious about your visiting/your intentions, OK??!!
You should feel really proud of/pleased with/for yourself about what you're doing/what you want to do. It is a big step you're taking, but one that can lead to so much more.........
Alison

[birdpumpkin]

Thanks for the support, gayleggg and Frankbtl. I'll be leaving soon and am nervous about it, but I keep thinking of that book title "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway," so that's what I'm going to do. I'm sorry both your parents have passed away, Gayle. I know that has to be terribly hard. While my mom was gone, and even now still because she doesn't feel like talking on the phone and is sleeping a lot, you can feel the void. I thought to myself, "What if this were permanent??" And I know one day it will be unless something happens and I go first. My parents are both in their 70s. Time does go by very quickly, and I know one day they'll be gone. I think the hospital was the turning point, and I took them for granted way too much that they'd always be there. My parents do mean so much to me. I don't know what I'd do without them. They've helped us a lot. My sister lives close by so I kind of feel maybe I'm not needed - she's right there to call on and could be there in a minute. But I'm going to try to help any way I can anyway. I know food will be an issue - dad's not much for cooking. As well as cleaning and washing clothes, shopping... So I'll just see what's going on I suppose...

[birdpumpkin]

Well, I went to visit and home medical people came to set up her physical therapy, then she was feeling bad by the time they left and wanted to go back to bed, so... I tried. =/ Suppose can try again tomorrow. My sister will be there til noon because dad is wanting to golf. Just feel disappointed. My sister was there when I got there today because dad had to go somewhere. They call on her because she's close. Dealing with those "feeling left out" feelings I always end up having... =P

[Frankbtl]

Hi birdpumpkin, you tried and it mattered...it counted!! You were there "by her side" at a time she probably felt vulnerable, shaken, drained (?) with everything that had gone on for her. And that was an excellent time just to be there for her, a time she may well have needed someone close to her. So you and your sister could have made a difficult time just a little easier for her.
As for them calling on your sister and feeling "left out" though, well maybe they felt that she was close by, she often visited, and they didn't want to inconvenience you/or kind of "second nature" to phone her- nothing personal.
But you can still turn that around a bit, you wanted to be there more often anyway which I'm sure will make a big difference. And maybe you and your sister together can make a great "tag team" in helping your mom in her recovery. Today mattered, and so can tomorrow, and the next day...........
Alison

[birdpumpkin]

Thanks Frankbtl for the kind words. I don't know. I'm just missing how mom was before all this, and it's going to be awhile before she's like that again. Just last week or so she had called, and she always says my name when I answer and stretches it out. It used to annoy me, but I'd love to just hear that and have her call. I'm planning on going back tomorrow but maybe later when my son is home from school and take him and let him visit. I just don't know what to expect - if she'll be sleeping or awake or feeling like company. One of her medicines totally knocks her out, and another makes her nauseated. Or even if dad will be awake because he takes a lot of naps!! It makes me nervous. Like I said, I worry about being a pest and intruding. But - I'll try...

[Frankbtl]

Hi birdpumpkin, even if you're only there for five minutes because she's too tired, even if she's asleep when you visit and you leave something for her or your dad tells her later that you've dropped in, those things in themselves could mean a lot to her. It shows you care!!
And if she's not feeling good it's got to help her a bit by knowing that people care.
I know for you, that kind of visit might not be the same as really spending time with her. But you can feel really good about knowing that you've been there for her, knowing that by making even that "small" a gesture it could have been really something for her. Sometimes the "small" (caring, considerate) gestures can be so much more meaningful/special than the "big" things people do for each other.
And all of this can maybe bring you both so much closer together "in the bigger picture". I'm sure she'll remember who was around when...........And you guys can use this to open up the communication too, when she's feeling a bit better tell her you missed her calling and how she says your name when she calls. And from saying things like that maybe she'll be telling you.................? Sometimes it can be really important to say what we feel before it's too late.
And just a thought: if she is asleep maybe spend some time with your dad, build on that relationship a little.........if he wants some help with cleaning maybe chat to him while you're doing that...........otherwise perhaps chat to him about some different recipes you've tried lately (you did say he wasn't that much into cooking so...........).
Alison

[birdpumpkin]

Thanks Alison - you're exactly right. Maybe I'm being selfish in that I'm wanting things to work out my way and getting upset when they don't. Had a visit today and went well. She was getting tired, though. Her medicine makes her sleepy. The day before she was sleeping and did spend some time with dad. Rather awkward as I've always been way closer to mom and find it hard coming up with things to talk about with dad. A lot of awkward silences, but I did work up the courage to give him a hug before I left today. Something I usually don't do. And it felt good. That is definitely true - it's best to say how we feel before it's too late. I have a really hard time with that, so this experience is doing me some good, too.

[Frankbtl]

Hi birdpumpkin, no I wouldn't say you were being selfish at all!! Maybe more underestimating the bonds/connection you are making with your mom right now.
It's easy to think that we should be doing more (and it is really nice that you want to do more!!) but I'd say what you're doing now, being there for her/around/doing what you can (whatever that is!) at a time like this easily matches some of the things you feel you should be doing for/with her.
It will be really good when you get to do some of those other things with her when she's feeling better, but right now this is just as important. And real kudos to you for what you're doing!!!
And the hug with your dad ( ) sounds like quite a breakthrough!!! Communication may not be so easy with him if you're closer to your mom, but maybe try to fill some of those silences by asking him questions or just telling him about day-to-day things, or what you or your son have been doing- might encourage him to open up a bit more???? Great ending to the visit, though!!!!
Alison

[wegian]

I think I recognize some of your feelings. My parents are gone now, but before they passed I would visit them with very mixed feelings. A little guilt about past transgressions, a little excitement, (it was a trans-continental trip from my place to theirs), and a lot of apprehension because a kind of lethargy usually weighed me around them.

Ambivalence is the word that comes to mind. I did not feel the enthusiasm I thought I should feel and I wanted to feel about visiting them. That dissonance was very distracting. So the visits were never as fulfilling as I thought they should be, and usually were cut somewhat short by me, using some excuse or other.

But I think they were good for them. (At least that was what they said.) And now that they are gone, I am pleased that I visited as often as I did, even though I felt I short-changed them and me both, at the time.

[birdpumpkin]

It's actually a difficult thing, isn't it??!! I've gone now I think 4 days in a row. I'm still feeling pesty and carry a nervousness all day with me until I've gone. The last 2 times I've been told I don't have to visit. I tell them I want to, and I do. Right now it's a change to my life and schedule/routine, and I think that's what makes me the most nervous. Plus I've always been the shy one and just not used to going anytime I wish. I always felt I was disturbing them whenever I did before and didn't do it often. My sister does, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, with no problem. I wish I could be like that. That's great wegian you travelled so far and made the effort to see your parents, despite the complicated feelings. I do think it's a good thing to do unless you is a rift in the relationship, and they've stated right out they don't want visits or something. Thanks Frankbtl for the kind words and encouragement yet again and also for the suggestions. I hope we get closer from this. I'm debating whether to go or just call today because I think my aunt and uncle from Ohio will be visiting. If I go, it will probably be later so they'll have time to leave. It's all just new and a little uncomfortable and in ways would be easier if I were out and about anyway to just stop in, but I don't go out much. I'm a homebody. Unfortunately my husband doesn't get along with my mom at all. They've had words several times; and when we stayed with them for a month after our house burnt down, unfortunately it wasn't the best time. So he won't go see mom at all with me. I've been taking my son whenever he wants to go, and hopefully they like that. I know mom didn't think she saw him enough before and would miss him. I just hope we all get closer from this, but I don't want to get on their nerves, either. And it's just such a change for me that it's still in that uncomfortable stage. But I've seen we seem to be catching up on things, and I think that's good. We're learning more about what's going on in each other's lives rather than having to wait on the phone call or whenever we see each other. Another thing that keeps me going is remembering how my husband and his siblings visited their mom daily. Most of them lived beside her or very near so could just walk in, but they all visited at will and with each other while there, too, and they're such a close-knit family. I want to be close to mine, too. Since this I've seen my sister - first time since Christmas and a few times since. Also my nephew who came in from Pittsburgh. So I'm reconnecting kind of. It's just the effort on my part daily to drive there. Hopefully I can keep it up.

[lizzyjb]

Glad to know your mom it's at home so spend all the time you can. My mom and my dad are here today with me and maybe I am not to see them in two weeks. I'm so sad about it so if you have them near, be happy with that and enjoy while you can

[Frankbtl]

Hi birdpumpkin, it is really good news that you seem to be connecting again!! It really is, but I'm not sure you need to be going every day, unless you want to of course!! Maybe make it every other day sometimes even????
It's got to be taking a bit out of you going everyday with the anxiety at times, maybe a bit of worry/upset about your mom seeing her so different/unwell, the sudden jump from not seeing them as much to seeing them a lot more, time away from your husband (if that's a problem for you), the drive, tiredness (?).
But whatever you feel is best for you, and the relationship as you'd like it to be. Just you can still have just as meaningful a relationship though even if you aren't seeing them every day.
Alison

[birdpumpkin]

Yeah, I have a hard time deciding what to do. They keep telling me I don't have to visit everyday, so I'm like, "Is this a hint??" But my sister didn't visit yesterday or call, and they were concerned. The drive isn't that far - only 4 miles. It's really not that big of a deal. But all you said is true - the anxiety everyday, the sudden jump/change, and planning when is best because I don't want to take time away from my husband. During the week I can go while he's at work, but... I almost didn't go yesterday but then felt uncomfortable about it. I'm just feeling really confused about what is best but am afraid every day is a bit much. Mom is doing a lot better but still a lot of pain from the cut and getting around is still hard. It'll take a lot of time to be up and walking again like usual. Just not sure what to do at the moment.

Thanks lizzyjb. I'm glad you got to visit with your parents. I wish you could see them more often. That would be good. Do you call them often?? That can help a bit at least. I know it's not the same, but it's better than nothing.

[lizzyjb]

Yeah, i phone them every day but it's not the same.
If I were you just I should do what makes me feel better. Just go when you want to go and phone when you don't want. But don't be stressed for it. You need be in calm.

[birdpumpkin]

I understand that. Just not the same as being there in person. You're right, though. I keep trying to figure out when is best for all of us and is just hard. =/

good luck to you.

[birdpumpkin]

Thanks Useless Me. Figures I went yesterday and both my parents had just lied down. Mom got back up and I felt bad.

sorry you are feeling this way. And normally I would reach out and offer support..... but today I am in a crappy mood and part of me is just glad that it is not me who has to see his parents.

[birdpumpkin]

That's okay. I was kind of afraid they would be resting when I went but went anyway. Should've listened to myself and gone earlier... I think early afternoons and evenings are probably the best times to catch them up. I'm sorry you're in a crappy mood.