Heaps of issues...

Hello all, hope you're having a relatively calm day.

So here's the deal. I'm struggling right now to separate my life into sections, and to understand how to cope with everything.

I quit nicotine twenty-six days, twelve hours, thirty minutes and thirty-five seconds ago (really, I have an app for that). I've been completely nicotine free for that long.

During my quit, I noticed nagging health problems, little by little. Aches, pains, feeling light-headed, nauseated, found it a little hard to concentrate. Then, suddenly, horrible chest pains, so bad I thought I'd had a silent heart attack. Then the doctor put me on Xanax, saying the chest pains were anxiety, and that helped a little, but then I was thinking ... if I'm addicted to nicotine and trying to quit that, and Xanax is so addictive ... yeah, no. So I took it for a while and tossed it, knowing it's only supposed to be used temporarily anyway.

Well, then I got edema in my legs. It was bad. My shoes barely fit, my feet hurt. I went to the doctor again, told him about that and pain in my joints, he said he didn't know what it was (uhm) but he did blood tests and thyroid tests and found ... nothing.

So I decided my body's been thrown for a loop from nicotine cessation. So I waited. Things seemed to resolve okay.

Then, about a week or so ago (it's hard to remember), the mental confusion and difficulty concentrating got worse. I got angry for no reason. Sad for no reason. Started having irrational thoughts that scared the hell out of me. Got on a religious kick while looking for ways to ease the anxious feelings, ended up with more anxious feelings due to the religion.

In short, I suppose I went a little off the deep end.

Luckily, I contained it fairly well, and only my poor immediate family was really affected (well, and my physical and psychological well-being).

I crashed. I lost touch with reality. I'm still slightly out of touch with it more often than I like to admit, especially in the grip of anxiety, which can be with me from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall into bed full dressed because I'm too tired to take care of myself and change for bed.

So at one low point, I went to talk to my mother about pain I was having in my abdomen (and depression, and anxiety, which she never understands and tends to exacerbate hugely), and she responded to the 'I'm in physical pain' part, whereas, not understanding psychological disorders (in spite of being married to my bipolar father for decades), she kept telling me 'just be happier' (I'm sure we've all struggled with hearing that).

So she decided yes, okay, this she can help with, and started pushing me towards a doctor. So I went, AGAIN, and told him what I was feeling physically, but I also admitted I'd had trouble concentrating and been tired and so on and so forth, and he diagnosed me:

Major Depressive Disorder and GAD.

All this time, I'd be struggling along under a self-diagnosis of PMDD, because my moods were always low and anxious, sure, but I figured that was true of everyone, especially everyone who, at the age of thirty, bears the financial burden of caring for two adult parents who don't work, one adult uncle who is disabled, a twenty-five-year-old sister with a learning disability and her own five-year-old daughter.

Depressed? Yeah! Anxious? You bet! Who wouldn't be? Especially when you look to any of those adult people for support and get anxiety thrown BACK on you because they worry if you snap there will be no one to care for them... and of course there wouldn't be.

And I work in a nursing home with people who suffer from brain damage (go figure) where we're short-staffed, under-trained and under-paid.

So what I'm left with now is knowing I've always had some form of depression, I've always been tired and had a hard time taking care of myself, there's no one who's going to do it for me (dependent family, again), and I don't know how much of my problem is in my life, and how much of it is in my head and the long-term damage I've possibly done to myself through just DWELLING on how bad everything was.

I mean, I made the decision to support my family because it's the right thing to do. Whenever I try to sort that out, I come back to people asking me why these adults can't take care of themselves, and you know what? I don't know. I don't know why they can't.

There's a ton of dysfunction there between all these individuals, and I don't know anymore whether my role is 'enabler' or whether I'm just a self-sacrificing moron who will go on helping until it kills me.

But now I'm on Prozac (for about three days, so it hasn't had time to work, and I've heard it might just be a placebo, anyway) and back on the Xanax, because between family, work, and my own messed-up mental life (it's really, really messed up) I can't cope without a tranquilizer.

I do see hope in this situation, at least during the times when my brain is functioning even a little.

The Prozac, if it's not a placebo, hasn't had time to kick in. I haven't tried the Xanax during one of my stressful, anxiety-filled times at work yet, so maybe that will help.

And most of all, my hope is that I'm just not far away enough from my quit date for these things to pass like the edema and the constant chest pains did.

I'm really hoping to recover. There has to be some way of making this better, because I can't stay where I am right now.

Welcome to PC. Sorry to hear how many challenges you face.

There are many forums and articles that may be of interestforums.psychcentral.com

hi butterflyinreverse
I am sorry to hear about all your struggles and stressors. I hope things balance out for you soon. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

I quit a 20+ year pack a day habit last July. By November I was barely functioning. I finally went for help in January. Same diagnosis, major depressive disorder and gad.

Prozac helps me a ton! It did take over 4 weeks for me to notice a difference.

Cigarettes have so many chemicals and I'm sure I was self-medicating with them. After the quit the depression took over and my denial that it was more than just a bad mood didn't help matters.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!!

Hi, so you've got a lot of big things going on, withdrawal still hitting you possibly, and your surrounded by stressors. But I'd definitely say your hope is reasonable, the body and mind can take a while to really recover from nicotine. With that in mind, you could stop worrying about what might possibly happen or be happening and right there you'd be eliminating some stressors.

As for the family issues, that's a tough one. Balancing "what you do" for family and then taking care of yourself is tough. I had to distance myself from my mother after I recently found what her abuse during childhood has done to me. She was living with my brother but her mental abuse towards his family was too much. She lives in assisted living now.

One though comes to mind; something that helps both getting you body and mind back on shape is diet and exercise. Not sure if you are focusing on this, but it is very affective in battling depression, anxiety and getting your body recovered from nicotine.

Best of luck!

Diet and exercise sounds like the best solution

Congratulations on quitting cigarettes. I kicked that stinky habit a few years ago. If you feel tempted go to the CDC Tobacco Free website and watch the very graphic, disturbing videos of ex-smokers with various diseases. I also liked them on Facebook. Prozac was one of the very best psych meds I have taken. It helps a wide range of problems with very few side effects. The bad part with xanax is people build a quick tolerance, so use sparingly and don't mix with drinks. What you are sacrificing for your family is very kind hearted.