[Emmi7]

I just got a new job this week which seemed great because:
1) I desperately need a job so I can stay in this city and pursue my ideal career
2) I recently left an abusive partner and knew I might down spiral into my depression and relapse so I thought a job would be a good distraction

But I think viewing a job as a "distraction" is a luxury for people who don't struggle with mental illness.

It's a good enough job, much better than most that I've had in the past. But I feel like I just can't handle it, every moment of the day is mental torture just to be alive and I am so stressed because I try to hide how I'm feeling so that my coworkers and supervisors don't see that something is wrong with me which just brings me that much closer to a panic attack which always feel imminent. I can't focus, my mind is swirling about my abusive ex and why he treated me the way he did, and why he didn't fight harder to keep me when I dumped him, and how he must be insanely happy right now which is so unfair and he doesn't deserve it and I want him to feel my pain.

Then I come home with so little time (insane long commute) that I don't have any energy to put into my artistic career (which is my ideal career and the whole reason why I came to this city in the first place) and I just want to watch tv and sleep right away to escape the depression and the torturous anxious thoughts. They circle like bats in my head. How he thought I was so stupid and not smart or talented or interesting and so that must be what I am. And why couldn't I make him love me and respect me? And how can I go on knowing that he doesn't even miss me or think about me now? It's hard to describe just how panic-inducing these thoughts are to me.

In the morning, I have to get up crazy early for the long commute, and contrary to how it seems to be for most people, mornings not nights are my most depressed time. I wake up with my heart pounding into an anxiety attack, and I just want to not be here. But I drag myself anyway. But I don't know how long I can keep doing that for.

I've considered going back on the medications but now I can't even find a doctor in this new city to take me on as a patient or prescribe them for me or anything, not to mention I have no money to pay for the drugs.

I want to just quit my job without notice, move back to my parents' place in a small town, and sleep my days away in my childhood room. But EVEN if I did that (which I can't), eventually I would need to pay my student loans off which would mean get a job. And my parents won't always be there to catch me when I fall. What will I do then? How will I ever be a functioning self-sufficient adult?!? Feeling all these crappy things about myself also just reinforces that my abusive ex was "right about me." It's a dark spiral and I'm so frustrated. I think the only reason I'm still going to the job (it started this week) is because I literally don't know what else to do. I've had my depressive episodes where I have to drop out of school, quit all my jobs, move back in with my parents, and just watch movies all day on valium so I can not have panic attacks constantly, waiting for the longterm meds to kick in for the depression. And then I try all over again. With a new job, a new boyfriend, a new city. But it's always the same. I can't handle the job, I choose yet another narcissistic abuser to date, and I can't handle being alone and far from my family. Will my whole life just be a cycle of trying to start life like a teenager and then failing and crashing on my family? What will happen when my parents are too old to take care of me anymore??

[CANDC]

These kind of questions are difficult for everyone to complicate. I find having enough protein at work helps me stay calmer and the brain to focus better. Every 3-4 hours I have tofu or yogurt or unsalted nuts or milk or whatever. THat may not solve all the problems but it could reduce your anxiety level to a coping point.
Going back to parents house is a disaster plan not a viable option. You have a job. Go home and shower and nap and have good food to eat then draw or paint for an hour. I used to count the days till the weekend when I would allow the artistic impressions to fly onto the paper.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Emmi,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. My hat does go off to you that you at least get out of bed and drag yourself to work. I haven't been able to do that for years.
It is very good that you're not with your abusive ex anymore. He is now unlucky to not have you but you're the fortunate one because you don't have to put up with him anymore.

[FutureLib]

I believe good nutrition can help with mental illness as well from a physical and psychological standpoint. Nourishing your body helps to maintain steady energy. Also, taking time to take care of yourself can lead to increased feelings of self-worth.

Respectfully, I don't believe going home to live with parents should be off the table. There are many factors at work in this situation therefore I just don't believe "toughing it out" at a job that is not suitable for her at this time is sound. Especially if her parents provide a supporting environment that is currently lacking. It is not a sign of failure to return to a place where you received treatment and felt at peace.

Originally Posted by CANDC

These kind of questions are difficult for everyone to complicate. I find having enough protein at work helps me stay calmer and the brain to focus better. Every 3-4 hours I have tofu or yogurt or unsalted nuts or milk or whatever. THat may not solve all the problems but it could reduce your anxiety level to a coping point.
Going back to parents house is a disaster plan not a viable option. You have a job. Go home and shower and nap and have good food to eat then draw or paint for an hour. I used to count the days till the weekend when I would allow the artistic impressions to fly onto the paper.

[CANDC]

Going home to parents should not be off the table but it seems like that is not exactly what Emmi is aiming at if I read her correctly

I want to just quit my job without notice, move back to my parents' place in a small town, and sleep my days away in my childhood room. But EVEN if I did that (which I can't), eventually I would need to pay my student loans off which would mean get a job. And my parents won't always be there to catch me when I fall. What will I do then?

It seems difficult but on the other hand Emmi is coping with work which in itself is a victory. I don't rule out any option, but tweaking the life style rather than dumping the job could save the day or start to make it better a little bit at a time. Of course Emmi you need to make the call. It is your life.

[PrairieCat]

Why not concentrate on the art, which is why you say you came to this city. Art can be quite healing. Why would you miss an abusive man? You do not have to have a man in your life every minute, you know. Go for the ART!
Best Wishes.

[Emmi7]

CANDC, the protein sounds like a good idea, I do do a really bad job at feeding myself enough (when I get depressed I lose energy and preparing food or grocery shopping seems like such a daunting task). I also see what you're saying about my living situation, and I think you made a really good point about how coping with work is in itself a victory. I kind of forgot that. And ideally I'd like to find a way to cope with my depression and anxiety without shutting down my life every time I have a flare up.

Mustkeepjob32, thank you, that's encouraging to hear that about dragging myself out of bed in the morning. It does feel nearly impossible to do every morning, so it helps for someone to acknowledge the effort it takes. And I know it may be petty of me, but I do hope that he (my abusive ex) feels unlucky now that he doesn't have me.

FutureLib, thank you so much for everything you said. I found your second paragraph really comforting. I do tend to feel that "home" is failure because it's me moving backwards and not being able to do things on my own. So thank you.

PrairieCat - you are bang on. I think that's all that I really can do. I do find my art incredibly healing and powerful. And yes, I need to be able to not be with someone. Thank you!

[CANDC]

Glad you can hear those opinions - maybe some of them will help. Maybe you know what you need to do to gain more control of your life but part of you is hesitating.