[shygirl2101]

Even though i'm already second year at university, i still haven't gotten used to the idea that when 1 September comes around i don't have to go to school. A few days passed since then, but i'm still a little jittery.
I've got about 1 month before the new semester starts. . .This year anxiety started a bit early. But it got me thinking, for the past 7-8 years, i always do the same thing : all summer i don't talk to anyone outside my family (household and extended), spend all my time online, watching TV and reading books (used to have some hobbies like drawing, but i lost interest in them), then spend two weeks getting anxious and excited about a new beginning and then all year long just talk with only two to three people (i don't even know if some of them even considered me a friend, since we only talked when we were at school, we didn't hang out or anything, i didn't know where they lived or any really personal information). And then the cycle just repeated and repeated . . .
Another thing i noticed last year was that i don't have social skills, all these years i was relying on people's sympathy for me to be able to communicate with them. I don't know how to find a common topic with people. People my age talk about partying, drinking, about their friends, boyfriends/ girlfriends, the girls like to gossip . . . It makes me feel like an outcast.
And just because i don't do the things people my age do, nearly everyone i know treat me like an innocent little child. The logic behind that is: I don't go out much, therefore i live under a rock . And let's ignore the fact that i do have internet connection and watch TV, also whenever i'm around people i watch how they interact between each other and learn as much i can about social rules.
So anyway, i thought that by the time i'm 20 people would treat appropriately
to my age and i would find a way to fit in. I guess, i still can't accept that i have to make the effort to better the situation and not expect that things will just work out by them selves.

[Agentfyre]

Oh man, I was such a social outcast for much of my life. For the longest time I never knew how to talk to others. Over time, however, I've learned better ways of communicating, and socializing isn't so hard anymore.

My secret weapon for conversations is to ask people questions about themselves, and act interested asking more questions even when I'm not. "Where do you work? - What was that job like? - It must have been real hard working in conditions like that." Something like that. It's kinda like being an investigator. I have to pretend like I'm gonna solve some big interesting mystery at the end of the conversation, and I usually find myself getting genuinely interested because of this.

And people really like to talk about two things: themselves, and the past. If asking about them currently doesn't work, ask about some of their favorite memories. Nostalgia works wonders.

When these fail, I try not to blame myself. If I'm doing all this work in the conversation and it's going nowhere, then they're obviously not meeting me halfway. Sometimes there's just awkward silences, that's ok. Conversations never have to be perfect, and an awkward or "failed" conversation is no one person's fault. Just like any other relationship, conversations take two people.

[Raghib Ahmed]

Hi shygirl2101.

"I guess, i still can't accept that i have to make the effort to better the situation and not expect that things will just work out by them selves."

This... this is exactly how I've felt for a long time about my lack of progress in my goals. I always thought, if I'm older, everything will work out. If I'm older, I'd be more productive and confident etc.

Unfortunately, there is no magical fix that will make us turn into the person we want to be. It takes time, and incremental changes.

BUT, don't be disheartened. For one, you aren't alone despite how you may feel. And two, there are solutions. I think a great book for your situation that you must definitely read is How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie.

Agentfyre makes great points. People love themselves, so a topic of conversation to always cling onto is to get the other person to talk about themselves. And like Agentfyre said, if the conversation failed it isn't your fault at all, since you tried. It takes 2 to have a conversation.

Another thing that I myself am trying to do more of is SMILE. Even if you force it, smiling has a LOT of benefits, like making you less anxious and producing positive chemicals in your brain. In social situations it has lots of benefits too. For one, it makes people feel comfortable and more willing to engage you in conversation. And 2, they'll unconsciously see you in a positive light. And 3, smiling at others makes them think they are the cause of your happiness which makes them feel good about themselves. Also smiling makes you look good.

All in all, smiling is a simple, yet very effective way to make socialising easier.

Coincidentally, both these points: 1) Engage people to talk about themselves; and 2) SMILE, are talked about in that book I mentioned.

Hope this helped.

Good luck!

[shygirl2101]

Agentfyre & Raghib Ahmed, thank you both for your advice.
So, engage people to talk about themselves, about their past and smile. . . Got it.
And i will try to find the book you recommended, Raghib Ahmed.

[Agentfyre]

Good luck, and please let us know how things work out.

Raghib Ahmed, thank you! I love your breakdown on smiling. It's such a simple thing, and yet SO many benefits! Great job.

[ShiningOne]

Hey Shygirl

In many ways, my struggle has been like yours. I've relied on the generosity of others alot too, but eventually I put in some effort and even made one long lasting friend in college so I hope my advice can help you.

I'm going to add to what Agentfyre and Raghib Ahmed have said and reinforce the importance of smiling and asking others about themselves.

It might be hard at the beginning, but when the opportunity presents itself for you to build lasting relationships, you won't regret it. Make sure that the people you smile at return the smile, otherwise you may be dealing with someone who is unfriendly.

Try to spot any people in your new classes that you've seen in other classes and decide for yourself if you want to speak with them; finding a common ground like past experiences is a great way of connecting with someone. Also, if you have any hobbies or interests, perhaps you could find a club or gathering at school to meet some like minded people.