Making myself literally sick

ys, I don’t so much feel I need help as I feel day by day I’m getting closer to becoming more mentally healthier, but emotionally I need some acceptance.

Basically have OCD, the bloody psychiatrist I briefly saw had the nerve to say I had a obsessive personality, instead of OCD. Although she did agree I used to have it.

As a child I was a bullied for a bout a year, so first major symptoms came about such as washing hands…and all that jazz which consumed every second of the day.

Then as I become a teenager we moved houses to a busy road and for about 2 years I was so anxious being at the front of my house, I hated going out the front. Almost like mini panic attacks. As a teenager I felt so alone in this world, not knowing what’s wrong with me. Wasn’t until we got a fence I started feeling better, but realized this was avoiding my deep seeded problems.

Then as I left high school I didn’t have many friends so I was a bit depressed and at the same time i started to go to work with my dad as an apprentice carpenter and he would constantly belittle me, but i never had the confidence to work with other people, as I always felt uncomfortable and a bit anxious around other macho men both at trades school and on the job sites so I finished all my apprenticeship with him. (I may add that it was also my ability to not forgive myself after mistakes and my incredibly thin skin that contributed, not just my dad as this made me fall behind in my work) My confidence in life was so low I became increasingly mentally worn out, couldn’t do my job properly, making more mistakes, hence giving my dad more reason to yell at me, then getting angry at myself for stuffing up, so it was a bit of a vicious circle.

I wouldn’t say I have been completely miserable in life, but sick of feeling like a weight is on my shoulder. Luckily I’m a fairly positive person and do have good days.

My mum also has OCD and takes medication although has acted perfectly normal for many years. Which may explain why I have it.

And then about a year ago I discovered Buddhism. (Religion I would have to say is probably one of the worse things your can become obsessed with as it governs every action you do). Bearing in mind I have always had some sort of faith. Just not a pacific belief. Buddhism I think is good in moderation, but you must be careful. I learned to be relaxed a bit more. Meditating helped me to relax my mind and be more alert, and helped me be more confident. I had discovered a spiritual path, or so I thought. I learned stuff about the mind they teach you in Psychology. I learned that we deny things without realizing it and make excuses, hiding our emotions and blocking them. Not just big issues, but small things like trying to constantly justify your clothes look good on you in the mirror so you can walk away happy, when the truth is you hate them and you’re trying to convince yourself what you want to hear. And that we have many subconscious layers, not just one, we store all or life experiences, even the most smallest things, even menial things were you left your keys would come into meditation out of no were sometimes. I learned that certain physical sicknesses were a result of certain emotional problems, and how to meditate on them.

I had found a way, but it all crumbled. I was taking everything literally. Eg. One the biggest things they teach you to do is live in the moment. So if your walking only think of walking, and you should do this all day everyday to stop mind chatter and appreciate life. So I would do such things, but because I’m so hard on myself and wanted happiness so badly I took it to extreme’s, feeling I have to punish myself for not doing things right. I would walk the street and get angry every time my mind would wonder. I soon learnt that it was impossible to only live in the moment when things in the street would trigger off a thought. Which I later learnt myself was normal for the brain. How can you walk through life and see long grass and not remember you have to mow the lawn today? It’s normal. I was killing what made humans amazing. That humans are smart to remember such things.

I sexually repressed my self, get angry at myself for looking a women and thinking about sex. They teach you it’s ok to want sex and sleep with your patner, but not ok to crave it and look at other women. All a bit regimented down to the line and extremely confusing and many guilty feelings I get.

You shouldn’t fantasies about things in general as it leads to suffering as your not living in the moment and constantly craving for more. Yet how are you supposed to have ambition if you have nothing to aim for. How can you have something to aim for if you don’t even fantasize about it to begin with?

And I ask myself maybe science is the answer, yet were my spiritual experiences real? And the big bang theory is impossible without energy and matter, and yet if spirituality is true then how did that come about? So many of these unanswered questions I get.

Another problem I have is I’m very passionate about the environment so when I’m on a building site I have no choice but to discard things like nails when de-nailing a piece of timber. Problem is nails go flying in the dirt, so I can’t spend all day picking up things like plastic and nails from ground. I won’t get any work done. But I care so much about the environment, and think a bird will swallow that piece of plastic…
It also took me a week of headaches to become a vegetarian. Although I’m glad I made that choice, it shouldn’t have to come to that, you know what I mean?

And there’s so many more contradictions and guilty feelings I have both within and away from eastern religion, the list goes on.

This has been going on for about a year and a half with Buddhism. Although meditation I found is good in general, OCD and Religion shouldn’t mix. A good thing with my OCD is, it makes me analysis things so much that it has shown me that religion is with so many contradictions, and if there is more to life (which I believe) then things like religion are merely a guide.

I still struggle, have good days and bad, as i keep quoting what I have read. Although wanting to disband all together, it’s so totally ingrained now. I feel almost “ignorant” to leave the faith as I may harm my future happiness in my “next life”, as I don’t want another unhappy life if there is such a thing as a next life. So I keep thinking like this. Although they teach you to go at your own pace I found I was addicted to the notion of happiness and obsessed with trying every meditation in case I become ill and I could of prevented it, or I could do this or that to help my OCD.

My constant thinking gives my head aces and makes my sore back worse. I have literally made myself sick. Wasn’t so bad in the early years, but if I think too much of anything, eg. Regret something I said to someone, I get a headache within a few seconds now, so I intern get angry at myself which makes it worse so it stays with me for a day, then a day turns into a week as I’m trying to ignore it more. But it doesn’t work so I intern get angry at myself again. It’s a vicious circle. I really feel I could attract something like heart disease, as I’m so heavy chest-ed and tense. And that I could make my already bad back permanently worse with all the accumulated stress over the years.

I’m glad to say that I feel I’m getting close to learning how to deal with my condition for good, and that I will only have minor falls hopefully. Learning things like constantly thinking about the thing your anxious about helps as you no longer try to ignore it and no longer scared of it, one of the things from Buddhism I have decided to keep; “being one with your problem”, being alone with it so much in meditation or not meditation, that it no longer can hurt you, you let the problem look you in the eyes, then let it slowly walk away instead of blocking it.

I was thinking today whether I should stop meditation. I just do a basic one were I just visualize and work through problems, which is scientifically proven to help. As I don’t do spiritual stuff anymore. I feel maybe I should stop mediation to help get rid of any religious connection as it will help me to go back to being myself before religion. I must admit however I did learn many good things about my mind, which tempts me now and again.

Although I’m getting better lately, my job doesn’t occupy my brain all the time like say paper work would. So I tend to mind chatter which makes my mind drained and have headaches. I find when I have no stress about something I tend to be very clear minded, which I’m finally enjoying a bit more of. Just slowly getting over my obsession with Buddhism and regaining my confidence in other area’s of my life which help me to be less stressed.

I just want to share my life in a summary to people. As terrible as it sounds I almost hope I had things like deaths in the family and having things like cancer so people can relate, especially as you can’t really talk to people about mental illness. Plus I feel so much like a child because I struggle with what to others are silly things when are in fact huge things to me.

So badly you want to tell people you’ve had a bad day, but you can’t because they’ll ask why and you’re not comfortable explaining it. Otherwise they will think your loopy.

I just want to say the more comfortable you are with a negative emotion the more easily it is to let it walk by then be scared of it and block it.

I really feel like hugs at this time, if anyone wants to give me a hug and/or add some comments I would really appreciate it. Just feel alone at times, I’m feeling better now, but feel it’s one of many days wasted.

anth.....a big hug to you and a warm welcome to the forums........i have "suffered" with ocd for over 30 years and can so relate to all that you say......luckily for me..meds have made 95% of my ocd symptoms go almost completely away! would love to chat more with you......

Hello and welcome to Psych central.
Take care Soidhonia

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) I know what your saying, I have an anxiety disorder and take meds.....helps big time. But going back to your thoughts on religion (buddhism) I to have explored this as well as alot of other religions and decided that they all have something to offer,so I take all the good stuff that will help me. Intellectually I think it has made me look at life so much more differently especially since I have been dealing with my mental health.
Yes we have to be so careful when it comes to religion, especially us who suffer from mental health issues,I think we are more open in our minds to this kind of stuff. You were ment to go down the path you went down, so you can discover what you uncovered about yourself,without that you wouldn't be where you are. You have accomplished alot and did not have a wasted day,and that's one persons oppinion.

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chichi said:
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) I know what your saying, I have an anxiety disorder and take meds.....helps big time. But going back to your thoughts on religion (buddhism) I to have explored this as well as alot of other religions and decided that they all have something to offer,so I take all the good stuff that will help me. Intellectually I think it has made me look at life so much more differently especially since I have been dealing with my mental health.
Yes we have to be so careful when it comes to religion, especially us who suffer from mental health issues,I think we are more open in our minds to this kind of stuff. You were ment to go down the path you went down, so you can discover what you uncovered about yourself,without that you wouldn't be where you are. You have accomplished alot and did not have a wasted day,and that's one persons oppinion.

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Thank you so much for the big hugs, we all need it.

In relationship to medictaion, you guys seem to take it, but i had a few months of both Lexapro and then Eleva, when i convinced the silly psychiatrist to give some medication.
(i think she thought i was to emotionally smart for medication, as i'm very very mature for a 22 year old)
And found medication only made me a happier, but disn't stop constant mind chatter. And the second time i took the second medication i was so mental stubburn it vertualy did nothing what so ever. This was when i thought i was being open minded enough and "ignorant" for closing the door on buddhism.

I find regualar exercise helps so much for my mind, plus i enjoy it. But must admit i don't want side affects of medication again and felt my short time with it did nothing except make me a bit bubbly and second medication did nothing.

I feel i know now when i'm 'silly thinking', i just talk my self through it and somtimes it takes longer than others, but usually gets quicker.

Would it be wrong of me to say i'll give myself a bit more time before i decided to talk to another psychiatrist. As i really want to do this naturally but realize i could be stubburn for saying this.

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butterflylady747 said:
anth.....a big hug to you and a warm welcome to the forums........i have "suffered" with ocd for over 30 years and can so relate to all that you say......luckily for me..meds have made 95% of my ocd symptoms go almost completely away! would love to chat more with you......

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I believe you when you say it has helped you with 95% of your problems but i find it hard to imagine at the same time. Without disrespecting your condition and emotions, were you as bad i am/have been? Up until recently with me no troubling thought i can forget than remember another day, i have to sit with it till it's sorted, which can be very tiring. But learnt i can't keep doing this as much as i think the thouht may have merit...

Do you actually find it has helped you directly with the condition, rather than merely relaxing the mind. As i found i still thinked the same, just was a bit more happier.