[CosmicRose]

My anxiety disorder began manifesting itself 8 years ago. This is also when a traumatic divorce was occurring with the family. Constant verbal fights on a nightly bases for years that would sometimes turn physical (she was the aggressor, not my father). I couldn't protect myself or those I cared about, I felt shaken and helpless constantly. The stability I felt in the home and the love from my mother was gone. She put her children at risk in multiple ways that I do not wish to go into detail about right now.
I recall many nights being very young (when things were actually still good) and having to be her mother instead of her being my mother. When things were really bad she shut me out completely, ignoring me and causing emotional wounds that took years to heal. She never apologized.

I just read an article about daughters with unloving mothers. It listed several traits that I can relate to.
1. Lack of confidence
2. Lack of trust
3. Difficulty setting boundaries
4. Difficulty seeing the self accurately
5. Making avoidance the default position
6. Being overly sensitive
7. Replicating the mother bond in relationships

I can answer yes to all of these. It also seems like all the symptoms of my anxiety disorder when it manifests itself. Avoidance. No confidence. Lack of trust. Difficulty seeing the self accurately, these all sound very familiar. This isn't about blame, I'm trying to get to the bottom of why I struggle so much in my life and why it all occurred around the same time.

Is my anxiety disorder really because of the terrible relationship I had with my own mother all those years?

How many of you out there who have anxiety disorder, struggled with a parent who was emotionally unavailable or abusive?

If it is a parental or development issue, is it possible to heal from completely?
I think my anxiety is in essence a learned behavior that I have hidden behind for quite some time now.

[gayleggg]

I think that anxiety is a by product of many things. I think some people are born more anxious than others. I feel I was born more anxious and depressive than others, but my dad was unavailable as well not to mention critical. I watched my daughter be self assured and calm from birth. More like her dad.

But I think environment can play a big part too as well as self-help can do a lot toward healing. I do know that I went through a particularly bad time where I had panic attacks and with a lot of work I was able to overcome them. I used relaxation and breathing techniques which took a while to learn but they worked for me, but for some people it takes more like medications or for some people nothing seems to work.

I think we are all so different that it's hard to tell what caused our anxiety. You may have been predisposed and therefore more susceptible to your mom's influence, but that doesn't mean you can't be helped.

I hope I made some sense. Basically, I don't think there are any easy answers.

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

My anxiety disorder began manifesting itself 8 years ago. This is also when a traumatic divorce was occurring with the family. Constant verbal fights on a nightly bases for years that would sometimes turn physical (she was the aggressor, not my father). I couldn't protect myself or those I cared about, I felt shaken and helpless constantly. The stability I felt in the home and the love from my mother was gone. She put her children at risk in multiple ways that I do not wish to go into detail about right now.
I recall many nights being very young (when things were actually still good) and having to be her mother instead of her being my mother. When things were really bad she shut me out completely, ignoring me and causing emotional wounds that took years to heal. She never apologized.

I just read an article about daughters with unloving mothers. It listed several traits that I can relate to.
1. Lack of confidence
2. Lack of trust
3. Difficulty setting boundaries
4. Difficulty seeing the self accurately
5. Making avoidance the default position
6. Being overly sensitive
7. Replicating the mother bond in relationships

I can answer yes to all of these. It also seems like all the symptoms of my anxiety disorder when it manifests itself. Avoidance. No confidence. Lack of trust. Difficulty seeing the self accurately, these all sound very familiar. This isn't about blame, I'm trying to get to the bottom of why I struggle so much in my life and why it all occurred around the same time.

Is my anxiety disorder really because of the terrible relationship I had with my own mother all those years?

How many of you out there who have anxiety disorder, struggled with a parent who was emotionally unavailable or abusive?

If it is a parental or development issue, is it possible to heal from completely?
I think my anxiety is in essence a learned behavior that I have hidden behind for quite some time now.

i can't answer for you... is your mother the cause of your anxiety disorder. it could be because of so many things.

but, you've given me food for thought here- you really have.

growing up my mother was the same- she didn't give me a childhood, never spent time with me, and made it quite clear to all her friends/ other family members that i just wasn't worth listening to or good for nothing

she even put me in hospital when i was only 4, and then proceeded to say that none of it was her fault, and that i was just a drama queen

and then later she constantly lied to me so she could get her own way- and wouldn't accept my mental health.

and come to think of it, when ever my mother's out the country, or otherwise not around, i feel better about my anxiety- it is a lot less intense

[BLUEDOVE]

I read a psychiatrist's view,which said that anxiety
is caused by TRANSFERENCE,from our parents to
the world at large.This was very helpful to me,as
both mine are dead,and I'm damn sure I'm not going
to allow them to make me anxious from the grave!
I also accepted gladly that I have a perfect right to
get angry if I am treated with disrespect or insulted
in any way.

[lkbun14]

Thanks for sharing, ComicRose. You're post brought a tear to my eye as some of your story reflected my own. The traits definitely sound like me and I've often wondered if my anxiety has stemmed from back in my teens. I have blamed other events in my life for my anxiety, but I don't know if the relationship I had with my mom in my later teens affected me. I agree with Gayle that there are no easy answers. I've tended to get angry and blame her and then feel guilty for thinking negatively about her. I often felt criticized, had trouble setting boundaries, she put my dad down in front of me, etc. Noting ever felt like it was good enough. Don't get me wrong, I love her and she does a lot for me, but I still feel a lot of hurt for those things.

I've tried to bottle up my feelings for a long time and this year (2014) I hit my breaking point. Now I'm trying to listen to myself and make me feel good again. I know that no one else should have that much power over my emotions, but it's easier said than done!

[Bluesday]

Very helpful thread! I also had a very tumultuous relationship with my mother, which unfortunately ended in us not speaking. She always wanted to heap ALL of the blame for everything on me, while accepting no responsibility for her actions.

[CosmicRose]

Originally Posted by Bluesday

Very helpful thread! I also had a very tumultuous relationship with my mother, which unfortunately ended in us not speaking. She always wanted to heap ALL of the blame for everything on me, while accepting no responsibility for her actions.

I can't imagine doing that to a daughter if I had one. Blaming your child just doesn't seem right.

[Bill3]

How many of you out there who have anxiety disorder, struggled with a parent who was emotionally unavailable or abusive?

I did. My mother was an alcoholic and had (I now believe) narcissistic personality disorder.

If it is a parental or development issue, is it possible to heal from completely?

Well I have been seeing a T for over a year and I have noticed a great many positive changes, I am much much less prone to anxiety than I used to be.

(((((CosmicRose)))))

[CosmicRose]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I did. My mother was an alcoholic and had (I now believe) narcissistic personality disorder.

Me too Bill! My mother was/is also an alcoholic who I believe had narcissistic personality disorder, something just wasn't right with her mentally. Instead of creating peace in the family, she would go out of her way to create drama and family dynamic wars.

[wiretwister]

I never considered it but my t has convinced me my incorrect thinking is a direct result of my mother and my upbringing..we are working on changing