I dont know what to do. I dont know whats wrong withe me.

quick history in bullets

-always in trouble as a kid. Acting out in class. Ripping up homework. Parents were pretty much at the principles office with me every other day.

-been diagnosed with so many things. Different doctors and different pills all the time. Apparently I have this and this and this. Really annoying

-I was bullied alot in school. Constantly being picked on and people hit me pretty much every day.

I've been diagnosed with depression, adhd, and a whole bunch of other things. I'm sick of all these different people giving me different answers.

My parents tried to help me in every way they could but all those diagnosis were wrong. I believe now that I have some kind of paranoia or anxiety disorder. Multiple doctors have told me i should use anti anxiety medications. Anyway here is my issue.

I have no friends and no job. I don't go to college. I simply cannot get out of the house. I have constant thoughts that everyone around me is talking about me. I have walked out of jobs several times for kind of panic attacks where ill start to believe everyone is talking about me in a negative way behind my back. Even if we just had a great conversation. I have frequent random thoughts about really depressing things. For example I just had a cigarette a few hours ago and for some reason it tasted different. I came to the immediate conclusion that my cig was laced and Im going to die. Everything all of a sudden became really scary and creepy. Like the happiness of everything was just ripped away. If I saw a smiley face it would be evil. This stopped after about thirty minutes. But these thoughts happen randomly.and the little panic attacks can last up to an hour. What is wrong with me. These "thoughts" and "attacks" are scaring me. I don't like thinking all these bad things.

What should I do. Everytime I ask for a medication like xanax or any benzo my parents fear its abuse potential. But what life am I living without the stuff. I've had it before(friend gave me some) and It was wonderful. I wasn't high and falling to the floor. I was just free. Free from all the sick horrible stuff that runs through my head every day and night. I just wish someone could help me.

Any suggestions? What's causing these thoughts? What should I do? Anyone else have the same problem?