[Juliana]

Over the past 2-1/2 years I have overcome a lot of phobias. I have gone from having severe agoraphobia to leading a full life again. I faced my phobias and conquered them one by one -- using medication, CBT and exposure... and practice, practice, practice...

There's one phobia left that I just can't make myself face, though. It's escalators that are going DOWN. The strange this is, it's not ALL down escalators. It's only certain ones. There are some escalators in the mall near where I work that I'm okay with using. They have walls on either side and that seems to be why I'm not afraid of them. I use them every day, so I thought my escalator phobia was getting better.

I decided to go to a movie the other night -- haven't been to a theatre since 2000. I stopped being phobic about theatres a while ago, but this was the first time I was actually going to see a movie in a theatre since then, so that was a good feeling.

On my way to the cinema, though, I was faced with a steep escalator (with no walls around it). I had to go down to the cinema level to meet my friend, but I couldn't make myself go within 5 feet of the top of the escalator. I tried to take the elevator, but there was something wrong with it and it wouldn't go down one level. The door just kept opening and I would find myself on the same floor. I asked a clerk in a shop if there were stairs and she said there was only a fire exit, so I couldn't use that. I tried to MAKE myself go on the escalator, but I couldn't even get close to the top step. It was so upsetting because I have been feeling relatively NORMAL lately and this made me feel like I did when I was agoraphobic. The fear was just so overwhelming. I could not make myself get near the escalator. I thought I was going to just have to go home and call my friend later and apologize for not being able to meet her.

Anyway, I know this is a long story... I eventually managed to get down to the next level by getting in the elevator, going up 7 floors and then hitting the button for the lowest level. It took me all the way down to where I wanted to go and I was able to meet my friend and see the movie. If the elevator hadn't worked, I would have had to go home, though.

I don't know how to get over this phobia. Facing the fear and white-knuckling through it has worked for all my other phobias, but I can't even make myself take a step towards this one. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll find myself in a work situation where I have to use an escalator and I will find myself terrified and motionless... Ugh.

[okiedokie]

Hi Juliana,
Congrats on tackling all your fears! Be sure to revel in that for just a moment.

As far as facing the escalator fear -- have you tried having someone you trust hold your hand while you are gently desensitizing yourself? Perhaps, if you didn't have to face it alone, it would be better for you.

I have to say, just hearing about others fears make facing mine a little easier, because I have to laugh at myself! Do you ever allow yourself to see the humor in some of what we put ourselves through? BTW, in my early twenties I was holed up with agoraphobia myself. No fun. Congrats again on all your accomplishments!
Take care,
Okie

[Juliana]

Thanks okie. I do see the humour in it sometimes too. Even when I was at the mall the other night, I knew how ridiculous it was that I couldn't get near the escalator. It was like there was an invisible wall that I kept bumping into. I'd try to go near the escalator, get about 5 feet away from it, then BAM!, I'd hit the invisible wall, turn around and go in the other direction.

Thanks for the advice. I would have to tell someone how scared I am in order to get them to help me... and that's hard. The only person I can think of who I would feel safe enough with is my ex-boyfriend. I know he wouldn't judge me, so I might ask him if he'd be willing to tackle this with me. That's a good idea. When I was a little girl, I was scared of escalators and my grandpa used to hold my hand. He helped me get over the fear... but then it came back again so many years later... and grandpa's not here to help anymore.

P.S. I just realized that I was wearing high heels and carrying a very large briefcase/purse and numerous shopping bags while I was trying to make myself get on the escalator the other night. I think that was contributing to the unsteady feeling and fear. Perhaps I should wear flat shoes and not be encumbered by bags next time.

[okiedokie]

Shopping is good; bags are good -- perhaps you could do without the high heels!

Okie

[Juliana]

LOL! I know... but I love high heels.

[Maven]

I do, too, but they're so bad for you. It's so unfair!!!

As for the escalator, I know this could be embarrassing, but you could try calling the theater owner and asking if s/he would be willing to let you come in before or after hours and try to work on your fear. Your boyfriend could help, too.

Maybe you could start by having the owner turn off the escalator, so it's just steps. Could you handle that? Then, maybe turn it on when you're close to the bottom. Work on that a while, and then maybe turn it on when you're halfway, and keep going until you can do it from the top. It might take a few days or even weeks, so you'd want to let the owner know that. Maybe offer to pay like $5 each time. You never know, the owner might have his or her own phobias to deal with, or know people who do.

[Juliana]

Thanks Maven. The cinema is in a large mall, so I don't imagine I would ever be able to get in there when things are closed. I don't think that would help anyway. I don't have trouble with stairs. If the steps on that escalator weren't moving, I would have no problem walking down it. So, I'm going to have to face taking those steps TO the escalator and putting one foot and then the other on the top step. I think I would be fine after that. It's just getting TO and ON the escalator that terrifies me. I think I'll attempt it in flat heels with my ex-boyfriend when he has time to go with me. Then, there's another even BIGGER escalator at a mall near where I live. I would like to be able to tackle that one of these days.

I had Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo for 3 years, so I think that's why this phobia is so stubborn. My problem with down escalators started before I got agoraphobia or panic attacks. Stepping on an escalator just wasn't safe when I had BPPV because my vertigo was so bad and I was so unsteady on my feet. There was a serious risk of falling because I would often fall when just walking on a flat surface. So, I have a terrible fear of falling when I get near the top of an escalator. My head starts spinning and my knees get weak, etc. and I feel like I can't look down to find the top step.

I also had a weird episode years ago when I was on Zyban to try to quit smoking. I got very dizzy and my vision went blurry while I was on an escalator, so I avoided them for a while after that. Escalators have been a recurring fear since I was a little girl.

[Maven]

Ok. I suffer from benign positional vertigo from time to time, although it's usually not too bad, but it can be really annoying. I know how scary it can feel.

[SandyWeb]

((((Juliana)))))

That dang escalator, huh? I know the one you're talking about. It IS steep. You step on it and sort-of sway to get your balance....and then with high heels....well, you silly, silly girl. LOL.

Two ideas for next time if you're trying to meet a friend downstairs. If you really can't get on the magical moving staircase, have your friend paged over the Mall speakers to meet you at the escalator or wherever. Another option is to go to the Security Desk at the front of the Mall, tell the attendant about your vertigo and ask him to have one of his Security Guards help you down the stairs. What guy wouldn't mind holding the arm of a pretty young woman, and if the Guard is a female, what's wrong with just holding onto her elbow or wrapping your arm through hers?

I don't know. Just throwing out ideas. But, yes....that particular escalator IS steep and if you have a phobia to begin with, then it's not the best contraption to hang onto!!

Take care and God bless!

Sandy

[Juliana]

Thanks for the advice Sandy. I'm glad you know which escalator I'm talking about. It's a scary one. The other ones that scare the crap out of me are the ones in the Halifax Shopping Centre -- especially the one outside of Sears. Ugh. I can't even go near that one. Fortunately, there's an elevator and a handy staircase in that mall.

I'm okay with the ones in Barrington Place. I think it's because they have a low ceiling and walls on either side.

To make this stranger, I have occasional nightmares about escalators, but they're always escalators going UP -- and those ones don't bother me much IRL. In my dreams, though, they get steeper and steeper and steeper as I'm going up and I'm holding on, trying not to fall, and when I get near the top I realize there's no floor and I'm going to fall off the top.

[Maven]

Incidentally, I can get anxious over escalators that are particularly high, especially going up them. Elevators are more scary for me. So you're not alone, even if the reason for the fear is different.

[Juliana]

I used to be scared of elevators too -- back when I had agoraphobia and when I was in the recovery stages. I didn't like being "trapped" anywhere. I still feel kind of freaked out sometimes if I'm going up an escalator and there are people in front of me who are just standing there and not walking up the escalator. Sometimes that makes me feel trapped and I can feel myself starting to tense up and inside, I'm screaming, "WALK, WILL YA!" I was on a pretty steep one a couple of weeks ago and that happened. I was dizzy and shaking by the time I got to the top.

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

[muse]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Juliana)))))))))))))))))))))))
Wish there was more I could do, but I'm not familiar with phobias. My only thought is that maybe if you tried tackling the escalators that are slightly less scary (if there are a few like that), the really steep one would seem less horrible. Still, I know enough to realize that phobias don't really care about logic, so... meh. Maybe not.

I absolutely HATE down escalators, by the by, and I was TERRIFIED of them 'till a few years ago. Nothing as bad as a phobia, but I totally understand why they scare you. People are not meant to step down onto a moving platform at that kind of angle!!

~muse

[Juliana]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
[b]muse said:[People are not meant to step down onto a moving platform at that kind of angle!!

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LOL! I agree! Especially not in 3" heels.

[muse]

ROFL, of course not!! Next time you go, wear flats. ^.^ That might help a ton right there.


~muse

[Juliana]

LOL. I know! I plan to wear flats next time I try. I'm a shortie, though, and I just love how I look in heels. I love my high-heeled boots! I'm not always as practical as I should be. I like to look FABULOUS while I'm having a panic attack.

[muse]

*snort* Indeed. I myself always accessorize... I make sure I'm wearing mascara that will run in THE most dramatic way. *sagely nod* As a fellow short person, I sympathize. ^.^ I have a pair of brown boots that make me feel absolutely WONDERFUL... soo comfy, and they make me tall! I can't do really pointy heels (my balance isn't good enough, haha) but I like chunky tall shoes.

[Juliana]

LMAO!!! Yes, I agree. Dramatically running mascara is oh-so-important during a full-blown attack!

I don't do pointy heels either. I have an inner ear problem, but I do love my tall, stacked (unwobbly) heels and wedges.

[Maven]

We ladies must look our best at all times, even freaking out, after all.

[Juliana]

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Maven said:
We ladies must look our best at all times, even freaking out, after all.

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So true. We've got our priorities straight, don't we?