[Dru1981]

...there is such a powerful barrier between myself and others that I find it impossible to reach anyone. Its been 7 years since I graduated from High School, its been 7 years since I've really felt alive. It was around that time that I started having signs of agoraphobia, but I remember them being very slight, and attributed it so simply being nervous about starting my life. Sometime around the end of my first semester of college I noticed the problem getting worse. I started having panic attacks in class that wouldn't let up. By midway through my second semester I couldn't even go to class, I would just sit in my car outside the building. I ended up being put on academic suspension at the end of the year and was forced to sit out the next semester of school. This break only made it worse when I tried to go back. Even typing about it right now I'm starting to get that old feeling in my stomach that always proceeded a panic attack. I started drinking around this time. I pretty much drank away the next 5 years. I slept all day and drank all night. Alcohol was the only thing that made my problems go away.

I went to a family doctor almost exactly a year ago and tried to get help. She told me I had bi polar disorder, which I knew was the wrong diagnosis, but she prescribed me wellbutrin. I had taken it at one point before in an earlier attempt to quit smoking and I liked it. Over the next 6 month's I quit drinking and smoking, I started working out again and I was feeling great. Wellbutrin was a miracle drug for me when it came to my problems with substances. The problem is that while wellbutrin took care of the symptoms, it only exacerbated the cause. It took my anxiety to terrifying heights.

So here I am now. I'm more or less right back where I started. Even my mindset is that of someone who has just graduated High School. In effect I'm a 25 year old 18 year old if that makes any sense. Its terrifying to see that I've pretty much lost 7 years of my life. I'm ready to deal with the underlying problem, which has all along been agoraphobia and panic attacks. That's why I'm here. Right now I'm more or less a shut in and anxiety is running my life. I leave the house twice a week to go to a single class I'm taking at a community college down the road. I have panic attacks every day, but I'd rather have them than go back to drinking. Its so bad that I even have panic attacks in online chat rooms. I'm having a lot of anxiety just typing this. I was hoping some of you would have some advice. I'm not sure how to find the help I need.

[Juliana]

Hi Dru. Welcome. I had agoraphobia too. I stayed in my flat alone from November 2000 'til December 2004... had panic attacks when the phone rang or when I went down to the front door to get the mail or even when I was just watching tv or lying in bed. It took me a long time (YEARS) to admit what was going on with me. I finally knew I needed therapy, but I couldn't leave my home. How the heck was I supposed to get therapy? Therapists don't make house calls! I went to the doctor about once every month or two because I had a physical health problem too, but I had to be practically dragged there and I had horrid panic attacks the whole time -- could barely speak to my doc.

If you feel up for it, you could try to find a therapist. Since you're still able to get out of your house twice a week, that's a really good thing. Maybe you could add therapy too. Are you seeing a psychiatrist or a doctor? If you're not, you should make an appointment and talk to someone about this.

I'll tell you what worked for me. This is not a how-to guide, though, because everyone's situation is so different. Since I couldn't calm down enough to go to therapy, my doctor prescribed Clonazepam for my anxiety -- 0.5 mg before bed. Within a few weeks, I actually felt well enough to go out on a little outing to a store with my sister. That was HUGE for me... hadn't done that in YEARS. Within a short while, I started seeing a psychiatrist and a Cognitive Behaviour Therapist -- each once a week. My psychiatrist put me on Celexa. It helped a lot with my anxiety and the CBT gave me some really useful techniques to challenge myself and help me get better. Within about 5 months of starting therapy and Celexa, I was back at work. That was over 2 years ago. I still had occasional panic attacks, but I could cope and it felt so good to have my life back.

I'm now in a new, more demanding job. I was off Celexa for over a year, but take Lexapro now (I had some depression in the fall and winter, so that's why I decided to try Lexapro). The Lexapro has lifted the depression a fair bit, but it has done wonders for my anxiety. I haven't had a panic attack since I started taking it. It has worked SO well for me in that regard. I still carry Clonazepam with me just in case, but I rarely need it these days.

So, I hope you get therapy. It's so positive that you know and acknowledge the agoraphobia and panic attacks. That was the hardest part for me -- accepting that I had a problem and needed help. Just remember, there IS hope. I was hopeless for so long. I didn't think I would get better, but I did. You already know you are amazingly strong. You beat two powerful addictions by changing your behaviour. CBT can teach you ways to change your avoidance behaviour and face your anxiety. I'm sending positive energy your way. You can do it!

[Dru1981]

Thank you so much Juliana =)

Its so comforting to know that someone out there has beaten this.

Thank you.

[Juliana]

It's a nasty demon, but it can be beaten.