Tired...please help

rexintx · Feb 23, 2015, 04:19 PM

I guess this is the right forum for this. I have a lot going on but I think it was the anxiety today. I don't know what if anything of this might be considered a trigger nor do I have the mental energy to even think about figuring that out, so I'll just put it all as a trigger.

Possible trigger:

Went to work, and like always as soon as I'm walking into the building the stress, anxiety, tensing muscles, horrible pain in my head/neck/back, shaking, headache, racing thoughts, etc started. First 15 minutes were me deciding whether or not to just go home right then, followed by the next couple hours wanting desperately to leave but just not doing it. I feel guilty if I don't keep my attendance up, as if it's something to be ashamed of like I'm failing myself, so I just pushed through it until 2 hours left in the day and I couldn't take it anymore. I tried my hardest. It's not that stressful of a job, just scanning documents at a desk, but it's like all the symptoms just come over me involuntarily every time, I don't know why. At work it's the anxiety, at home its depression/lack of sleep/ptsd/stress/racing thoughts and spiraling mental state. And then the fact that none of my other problems have been getting any better through not doing anything about them (probably doesn't help my situation), that was piling on more stress causing me to fear that I'll never get better, making the anxiety worse. At one point this morning I felt like I just wanted to bang my head against the desk to whatever end, just to make my suffering stop. I felt like it finally broke me today. Lately I've felt like not a whole person anymore, like my mind has been through so much lately that I'm just fading away, I don't feel like I'm fully grounded, like half of me is just floating away, I hope that makes sense. I've been putting up such a fight, pushing myself forward each day, somehow, still going on despite no motivation, no energy to, and all the stress the anxiety and depression put me through just weighing down on me more than I can bear. I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this. I'm tired of fighting. I just feel like this illness can go ahead and take me now, be done with it. My cat is the only reason I'm still here, I can't let her down, she depends on me so I have to be strong for her and keep going. I always hold stuff in until there's no more room so that's why this probably sounds like a huge mess of problems all at once. I don't know why I put it all on myself. Nobody should have to endure all that. I need help and I don't know what to do. The useless medication my doctor put me on (Zoloft) didn't help either time I was on it and I can't even seem to stick to a medicine routine, I just give up on it, and then feel like I've given up on myself. I feel like I have nothing left in me, I'm spent. Thoughts and advice are welcome. Thank you.

mountain human · Feb 23, 2015, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rexintx

I guess this is the right forum for this. I have a lot going on but I think it was the anxiety today. I don't know what if anything of this might be considered a trigger nor do I have the mental energy to even think about figuring that out, so I'll just put it all as a trigger.

Possible trigger:

Went to work, and like always as soon as I'm walking into the building the stress, anxiety, tensing muscles, horrible pain in my head/neck/back, shaking, headache, racing thoughts, etc started. First 15 minutes were me deciding whether or not to just go home right then, followed by the next couple hours wanting desperately to leave but just not doing it. I feel guilty if I don't keep my attendance up, as if it's something to be ashamed of like I'm failing myself, so I just pushed through it until 2 hours left in the day and I couldn't take it anymore. I tried my hardest. It's not that stressful of a job, just scanning documents at a desk, but it's like all the symptoms just come over me involuntarily every time, I don't know why. At work it's the anxiety, at home its depression/lack of sleep/ptsd/stress/racing thoughts and spiraling mental state. And then the fact that none of my other problems have been getting any better through not doing anything about them (probably doesn't help my situation), that was piling on more stress causing me to fear that I'll never get better, making the anxiety worse. At one point this morning I felt like I just wanted to bang my head against the desk to whatever end, just to make my suffering stop. I felt like it finally broke me today. Lately I've felt like not a whole person anymore, like my mind has been through so much lately that I'm just fading away, I don't feel like I'm fully grounded, like half of me is just floating away, I hope that makes sense. I've been putting up such a fight, pushing myself forward each day, somehow, still going on despite no motivation, no energy to, and all the stress the anxiety and depression put me through just weighing down on me more than I can bear. I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this. I'm tired of fighting. I just feel like this illness can go ahead and take me now, be done with it. My cat is the only reason I'm still here, I can't let her down, she depends on me so I have to be strong for her and keep going. I always hold stuff in until there's no more room so that's why this probably sounds like a huge mess of problems all at once. I don't know why I put it all on myself. Nobody should have to endure all that. I need help and I don't know what to do. The useless medication my doctor put me on (Zoloft) didn't help either time I was on it and I can't even seem to stick to a medicine routine, I just give up on it, and then feel like I've given up on myself. I feel like I have nothing left in me, I'm spent. Thoughts and advice are welcome. Thank you.

Sorry to hear your problems. I have a somewhat stressful job. I make myself go to the gym right after and I feel 1000% better afterward. Even a walk if you're not a gym person. Physical activity burns off so much tension and anxiety...

striking · Feb 23, 2015, 10:02 PM

If what you've tried before is not working there many other alternatives.

Can you find help through this site?

https://www.dshs.state.tx.us/mhservices-search/

There are many crisis lines you can call as well.

CosmicRose · Feb 26, 2015, 03:15 AM

Are you on Zoloft right now or any medication? I think you said you aren't, but be careful with those because there's a tendency to feel worse on them for some people, like increased risk of suicide or depression. So make sure when you do go on medications (if you do) you pay attention to your moods even more-so.

What you are describing to me is something that I also experience at work and even in classrooms. Are you a perfectionist? Do you put pressure on yourself to be the best and do the best work and if you mess up or fail you experience a crushing blow? Anxiety can be a component of perfectionism. And since this anxiety seems to start when you enter your workplace, it sounds like that might be the issue.
Your job sounds very nice actually, I would love to just sit at a desk filing paperwork and not being bothered by customers, patients or even coworkers. So I'm glad you found a job that allows you time to yourself. Is that what you want, though? Is this job suited to your personality? Would you be happier working a more technical job where you're on your feet working with your hands, instead of sitting quietly at a desk?

The only tip I can offer you is that you need to change your mindset. You mentioned in your post that your mind is tired. That's because you don't put it down, you're playing with your mind like a toy, like a rubix cube. You need to practice stillness techniques, emptying your mind, not latching onto any thoughts that cross your mind. Focusing on one thing only - feeling good. Good thoughts, toss out any bad thoughts including the anxious ones.
It's your mind that is tiring you out - nothing else.

You might "care too much" and that's why you are feeling a crushing sense of anxiety when you enter your work. Try to go in there without a care in the world. Try to feel light and not serious. Try to forget about how many hours left of work there are and "how much longer" you can hold out. Don't even look at the clock. This is why I mentioned finding a busier technical job so that you aren't left thinking so much at a desk.

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