[Virus]

Thanks to a killer combo that is my anxiety and crippling depression (with a side of Asperger's and gender identity disorder to spice things up), I have been fired from my job. My panic attacks make work difficult, to say the least, and since I was on probation because of being a new-ish employee they had a right to fire me for no reason at all.

The nice thing about being fired is that it brought my social anxiety back into full swing, and now I'm afraid to leave the house. Whoopee.

On top of that, I have a minor to moderate panic attack whenever people express anger. Any anger, whether directed at me or not. Just listening to my aunt scream at her computer put me in a "fight or flight" sort of situation, and it took half an hour of mindless mouse clicking and rocking before I was chill again. At work, an angry customer was just enough to have me out of sorts for the rest of the day, and two was a surefire full blown panic attack with an added +5 bonus to my growing social anxiety.

So now I'm jobless, broke, and have no way to pay for my recent trip to the looney bin.

It's worse because my anxiety is making my gf's depression worse, and she gets frustrated because I get stuck in these little fits where all I can do is apologize non-stop and berate myself for being so pathetic. She says I can stop if I seek help and just /try/ to change my mindset, but I can't. I'm too weak, and too overall pathetic. She'll just raise her voice a little when VERY frustrated, and it's enough to have me stuttering and crying like a girl and whimpering for forgiveness. I'm USELESS. There's no logical reason to be as terrified as I get, but it happens.

And don't even get me started on my long list of phobias.

TL;DR, I'm just venting. I've honestly given up hope that I'll ever be better and I'm honestly just waiting for my GF to break off the engagement so I can kill myself and save the world the trouble of dealing with me anymore. Sorry to make you also deal with me.

[kaliope]

i am sorry that you are struggling so much. anxiety sucks. i have some tips i use for my anxiety. they might work better if you get a relaxation cd where you have to relax all your muscles so you know what the end goal is.

a way to stop panic attacks is to relax. it is physically impossible to panic and relax at the same time. you dont even have to really relax. just fool your brain into thinking you are relaxing. imagine as if you just did a meditation or had a massage and all your muscles have turned into limp noodles. just let them all go. this will stop the panic attack. you may have to do it a couple times over your first tries, but when i started doing this it ended the attacks and soon i never had a panic attack again,

i have this thing called an anxiety meter that i visualize in my head. it goes from 0 to 10, 10 being the worst anxiety ever. so when i am anxious, i see where the needle registers on the meter. then i do breathing exercises until i get it down to a four. which is manageable for me. sometimes i see a knob on the meter and i will manually turn down the meter to four so i can calm down faster. practicing this enough, all i have to do now when i am anxious is say dial down, and i can calm myself.

[CloverLeaf]

It sounds like you're really sensitive to other's emotions around you (noticing the slight tone difference in your GF's speaking is what caught my attention). While I think it's a good trait to have in understanding people, it obviously can backfire in overwhelming yourself; feeding off others erratic behaviour until you crash. Sadly, it's not easy to break free of this thought process. I myself an still struggling, and have actually been locked away in my home for months now with no job nor friends to talk to. To border yourself off from everyone will only make it worse if you stop trying (even if it's a much more comfortable and safe haven to live within).

I don't suppose you're on any medication? I understand that after constantly experiencing panic attacks, getting fired and basically living in fear of your illness and others reactions seems impossible to handle, so maybe meds can balance your way of thinking (or talking with a therapist could be an option, I feel you would benefit from these.. however I can't say for sure as I've not tried those myself). Of course, this is under the assumption you're alright with changing your view, thoughts and way of perceiving such things.. altering yourself for others is a simple way of putting it. I for one am against that, which is why I've opted to trying to find a more natural approach, but hell if that's even working.

Life is difficult, and often times I'll question "why", but honestly the only thing keeping me going is the unknown in hopes that there is something to work towards, even if the world is filled with angry souls. There's got to be something worth it out there, y'know? I apologize if my rambles were of little to no help, I do wish you the best though.

[Virus]

I am on medication, but it's for my depression, which is actually HARDER to deal with than my anxiety. Really the only times

Possible trigger:

I hurt myself

during an anxiety attack is when it was triggered by my depression (which happens a LOT when I'm severely depressed). It's just now that the depression is being dealt with thanks to drugs, I'm left with this stupid anxiety problem.

I'll definitely try the relaxing thing. I'm tempted to trigger some panic attacks in a controlled setting just to see if it works, or practice or whatever, but I probably won't.

It's weird. If the anger is funny enough (like my aunt's overblown whining over other drivers), I find it hilarious, but once people get genuinely angry, I freak out. Probably doing something with the fact that whenever my mom got angry, I either got my stuff thrown away,

Possible trigger:

my face smacked, or, in later years, a mild concussion,

and whenever my douche step dad was upset I either got grounded for weeks (when I was already BASICALLY under house arrest), or nearly kicked out of the house for being a "fag" or just generally annoying him.