Hey,

Need to vent..

I've been sat here for 15 minutes with tears running down my face. I don't have the energy to cry properly, but I've just let the tears come, no energy to fight them either..

My friend has come across a street cat on her holiday that she's taken to the vet and wants to bring back home with her. The airline refuses to carry animals, so now there's a chance another person could bring the cat back. My friend asked if I could pick the cat up at the airport and take care of him/her for a day until my friend comes back home.

I immediately said yes because I love animals and would like nothing more than to take care of the little kitten. However, the moment I'd agreed, I started stressing out about my stomach. I suffer from IBS and social phobia and my stomach goes haywire whenever I need to deal with people.

Now I'm crying that I can't take this anymore. Whenever I'm supposed to be looking forward to and doing something fun, all the worrying about my stomach ruins it for me. I'm worried what people will think if I have to keep running to the bathroom. I'm worried they'll be mad at me for taking up so much of their time, or that they'll ridicule and judge me.

A few months ago, I told my therapist I wanted to kill myself. She took it as an insult that I'd rather top myself than share my pain with her and my friends - but I've been sharing my pain for f*ing years now and nothing has got any better! I'm DONE with this s*! I can't talk about these feelings to my therapist or my friends because they'll get mad, but no matter how wrong I am to feel this way, I DO wish I had the courage to at least end my life so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore..

I've been planning movie nights with my friend so that I could be 'at my weakest' and run to the bathroom a thousand times if need be while in the company of someone who's agreed not to laugh at me or judge me.. I've been putting the first movie night off for two weeks now because I just can't face how horrendous I'm going to feel.

Moments ago, this little voice in my head kept trying to tell me to get a grip. It told me to think about people living in war zones and think whether it's really THAT bad that I HAVE to have movie nights with my friend and maybe have to run to the bathroom a few times when compared to those people!
I went berserk at the voice belittling me.. I heard myself say, 'Is it really not a big deal that my dad wanted to kill me!' I think this is what's at the root of all my fear when it comes to other people.. My dad didn't want me. He thought my mum was crazy for wanting children - and the idiot went and had kids with him anyway, thinking he'd change. Well, he didn't!

And now I have to live with the flippin' legacy of being an unwanted child - it screwed everything up! Children learn who they are and what the world and other people are like during the first five years of their lives, and it's SO HARD to change those perceptions later on. I started the therapy process five years ago and I still can't see myself being much better off than when I started. I think this is it for my patience. I'm sick of waiting to feel better and to think better thoughts about the world. I'm DONE.

[Angelique67]

Hi, I don't have anything helpful to say, but I really hope you're feeling better.

[Fuzzybear]

[*Laurie*]

Hi d.o.a., I so understand your anxiety, stomach issues, etc. I know you've seen a therapist (and she doesn't sound very profession, if she takes what you say personally!), but have you seen a doctor about your severe anxiety? Truly, there are mild medications that would help you within a few days.

[francisR]

hi D o a

I am sorry that your IBS is giving you such trouble. High levels of anxiety are known to have a really bad effect on the digestive system. So what I was wondering about was whether if you took a strong tranquilizer at that time, such as Xanax or something prescribed by the Dr. it would help. Keeping it for those times when you have to face really anxiety provoking situations would mean that you would get always the most help from it.
Also, people have found repeatedly rehearsing in their minds coping with difficult situations with ease has helped them in the actual situation itself because they have reacted to it calmly within as a kind of knee-jerk reaction.

Don't worry about crying. That is the natural way of dealing with sad and difficult situations and after a good cry people feel better. Have they given you any really good medication for dealing with the IBS? People wouldn't really notice you going to the bathroom or judge you either because for the most part they are totally wrapped up in their own affairs. So much so as not to be even aware of us.

Suicide is really not the answer, because it would really ruin the lives of your loved ones and friends who would never recover from the bad feelings and you really don't want to do that.

If you cannot talk about your feelings to the therapist would it be possible for you to write them out on the computer and print them and simply hand, it to the therapist? It is knowing about your feelings that enables them to give you the appropriate help.

A really good friend who knows about your IBS would not be at all put off by you going to the bathroom and who knows, you might feel really good and not go there at all. In any case you could come up with an excuse that you have eaten something that has given you the runs and that is quite a common experience with which people would be very sympathetic.

The fact that your dad wanted to get rid of you in no way means that other people would. In fact, a lot of other people might simply just want to love you for the good person you are. Reminding yourself of this would help, at those times. You are not an unwanted person because you have friends and they want you and that is because they see in you something they love and like. I hope and pray you feel much better soon. Take care. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis