[marvelousness]

I've always had strange thoughts, impulsive, uncontrollable thoughts. When I was little, I used to think, out of nowhere and of no control, things like

Possible trigger:

"wow if i wanted to, i could go kill my parents right now" because a knife would be in the room or something.

It would scare the everliving **** out of me and now the thought of it makes me sick and those thoughts have gotten much better but have been replaced by a dehibiliting, intense fear of death, family members dying, myself dying, etc. I think constantly about why I am here and for what purpose and if I'll be remembered. I think about life and I find it so pointless. I think very deeply about how, if we do have a soul and our souls meet in "heaven" we have to do this all over again and again and again. What if there's nothing? What if this is the only life i get and I'm extremely disappointed and unfulfilled? I fake my happiness. I am never ever genuienly happy because I constantly think in the back of my mind with no control about the mortality of it all and how it al doesn't matter. My mind is constantly in a fog, I have many panic attacks, I want to kill myself but at the same time I'm absolutely terrifed of what comes next and I can't do that to my parents. I feel like I will never meet someone who makes me happy, I will never have children or get married. I will just live in this content state of foggy thoughts and blurry vision and I can't physically do it anymore. Everything feels fake to me. Unreal, almost. I really need some help because I'm going crazy and I just want to enjoy life again, that is if I ever did. I feel worthless and fat and ugly and annoying and crazy crazy crazy. I'm never happy with anything, even when I'm with friends. I'm exhausted. I feel like making new friends is pointless sometimes because I just get exhausted. I can't get a boyfriend because no boy ever pays attention to me and i haven't had one in two years. I have zero joy in life. I feel like I always need to snap out of it, bang my head against the wall to make the fog clear but it won't. I took Prozac for alwhile but even that started to give me panic attacks so I stopped taking it and nothing has gotten better and I'm afraid nothing ever will. Please give me advice. Please.

Well, it's not much advice to give, but...sometimes you just have to let go of all those fears and try to relax. I can relate with the childhood thoughts. Once, I told my great grandma that a voice in my head told me to...well, same. She freaked out, I freaked out, I started spiraling into anxiety and depression at the age of 5, and yeah. No fun.

I have recurring nightmares where I purposefully or accidentally kill things that I hold dear in the dreams. I have two kids, and with my first-born I kept dreaming that she wasn't the real baby I gave birth to, and in my dreams I was killing the doppelganger. Thankfully, I've never acted anything like that out. Still, it's scary and it hurts and it always worries me.

I can also relate with the brain fog. For a long time - a few years, actually, probably the first three years of my first-born's life - I can hardly remember anything that happened because I was so out of it. I had subconsciously shut down and given myself tunnel vision so that I couldn't see how different my life was from what I had wanted it to be. I've gotten much better now - almost two years since I realized what I had done and started going to therapy (went for a year) - but I can feel myself slipping away again. Because of this, I'm going to go back to therapy.

I strongly suggest therapy if you aren't already seeing someone. If you are going to therapy, then you need to tell your therapist about this "fake" feeling your world has to you. This is a sign of depression, which of course goes hand-in-hand with anxiety.

So...I hope this helps. At least know you're not alone in feeling this way. I hope you can start feeling better soon.