[happysobercrafter]

I found out in psychotherapy that my family ( mother and two older sisters) catapulted me into Alcoholism. Mother was a sadistic psychopath with narcissistic tendencies ( one therapist told me this--I think she had the Dark Triad personality disorder but more on that later)

She groomed my two older sisters to be her thugs; if she wasn't around, they made sure I was miserable. Most of my childhood is a blank to me and what I do remember is horrid. I ended up severing ties with all of them. But, I have daily flashbacks of them being monstrous, needling and yelling at me. I see mother standing in the doorway of my bedroom with her nasty sneer on her face, the leather belt she used to beat me hanging at her side.

In 1990, I began in recovery. It has been up and down, but the past several years are where I have made significant progress. I have learned that considering the environment I was raised in, it was impossible for me to have turned out any different.

I understand behavior now, and how I became who I did and how I am getting better. My current goal is to write personal essays on what happened, why I became who I became and how every day is better for me because of the work I have done for and on myself. Some people have read some of my essays and have given me stellar feedback on it. So, I believe I can reach people with it and my hope is to help others feel better about themselves and get help so they can continue to get better.

This is my fear: Having been brought up in such an abusive environment, I still struggle with being hurt by the people who abused me because it will be evident who they are from my writing. Their lives could be destroyed by it. They have never been held accountable for their abuse. I don’t feel as crippled as I once was by it, but the fears are still there. For example, a few years ago, I self-published a book on my background under a pen name. I was still so traumatized by the fear of them hurting me I could not bring myself to promote it. I deleted it and moved on.

Now, today, I really want and need to publish my writing because I believe a lot of people could be helped by it. I worry about being trolled about it, death threats and physical danger for me. I have been working hard for years on accepting it but it is so deeply ingrained in me that I will probably have it for the rest of my life.

Just writing this out here is helping me. So, feedback, anyone? Can anyone relate to this?

I would write the books. Doing so would likely help you heal, help other people, and expose your abusers for the subhuman filth that they are.

Besides, what are the worst that your abusers could do if you did this? If they try to start something, get a restraining order on them. If they attack you or harass you, call the police on them. You have all of the power here.

I would publish the book and write more books. Do what you need to do for you and screw those idiots.

[RubyRae]

Hi HappyCrafter.

I can totally relate as I am in the same situation.I have been debating back and forth on whether to write anything or not.It's a really hard decision to make.

[happysobercrafter]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I would write the books. Doing so would likely help you heal, help other people, and expose your abusers for the subhuman filth that they are.

Besides, what are the worst that your abusers could do if you did this? If they try to start something, get a restraining order on them. If they attack you or harass you, call the police on them. You have all of the power here.

I would publish the book and write more books. Do what you need to do for you and screw those idiots.

I don't think I was completely clear. My biggest concern is on how to keep myself safe. I am disabled, I am morbidly obese, I live alone. I have alarms on the door and all of my windows and I have an alarm deal on my key chain.

[happysobercrafter]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

Hi HappyCrafter.

I can totally relate as I am in the same situation.I have been debating back and forth on whether to write anything or not.It's a really hard decision to make.

You want to write about your abuse and you are afraid of being found out by them and what they would do to you?

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

I don't think I was completely clear. My biggest concern is on how to keep myself safe. I am disabled, I am morbidly obese, I live alone. I have alarms on the door and all of my windows and I have an alarm deal on my key chain.

As I said, get a restraining order on them and if they try anything, call the police on them. If you have a decent security system on your house, that should help too.

Additionally, depending on where you live and your moral standpoint, you could get a gun and if they break into your place and become a threat to you, use it on them.

Sometimes, one needs to be bold in order to accomplish something of meaning in life. It's unfortunate but that's the way the world works.

I wouldn't let fear stop you from speaking out. If you do so, than you only allow your abusers to win.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

You want to write about your abuse and you are afraid of being found out by them and what they would do to you?

Yeah,I do want to write about it,my T has tried pursuading me to also but my fear stops me.

I already have quite a bit written,but in a thread somewhere here at PC someone said that even if something is written anonymously there's ways to find out(or something similar)so I stopped writing.

[happysobercrafter]

It's like torture and torment, isn't it? I began working on facing my fears years ago and I have come a long way from where I was but I still have a long way to go.

Do you like your therapist?

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

It's like torture and torment, isn't it? I began working on facing my fears years ago and I have come a long way from where I was but I still have a long way to go.

Do you like your therapist?

I have really come a long way too and my T believes that sharing that with others could be helpful.

I don't think I could share my story tbough,not even under a pen name.There's no way to tell it without some people,places and events being identifiable.Not only that,some things in my story are still unsolved criminal cases,still after this many years and the thought of someone reading and possibly identifying one of their loved ones is not something I can imagine.I would also be afraid of it ending up as a news headline or something.

That's why my focus would have to be on the aftermath and the recovery,without any details of what caused my problems.Sometimes when I'm having a bad day or have been triggered by something I think about writing a tell-all book and exposing everyone,but those are just revenge fantasies,I would never really do it.

I love my T like a father,he's great.How's yours?

[Sunflower123]

I think writing and publishing would go a far distance in helping you heal. If you can, write under a pen name. If they are still identifiable, then just write it under your name. Take back some of the power they took from you. Yes, there will be fall out more than likely but that is also on your journey to healing. I think you could do this. Good luck and best wishes.