[hxlcyon]

I wasn't sure where to put this, since it's probably going to have a bit of a number of different mental health issues + family issues + school issues so I figure this general topic would work.. sorry if it's wrong. I'll also try not to ramble on.

I've been pretty bad for a while now, my mood is as low as it's ever been and I was in hospital for a suicide attempt a few weeks ago and I'm bordering on repeating history. My eating is non-existent and when I do eat it's an ordeal to say the least. I have overdue work that should have been done months ago for college in order for me to graduate and go to university, which doesn't look like it's going to happen. University has been my dream for as long as I can remember and it's about to not happen. The overdue work is.. it's my fault - I left it too long and now it's piled up and I know I need to get it done, but something is stopping me - depression, anxiety, or maybe just me being lazy but whatever it is, it's stupid and I hate myself for it.

Then family. I don't really have a mother anymore, she doesn't care about anything I do or say, she doesn't buy groceries for me (only for herself), she doesn't do anything for me which is fine, I'm an adult now (I'm 20) but she never did any of that when I was a minor either. She goes out with her friend drinking and comes home at 2am and she works everyday all day, so I don't see her at all. Maybe briefly on an afternoon but that's it. I have a lot of things about me I know for a fact my family wouldn't accept (my grandmother, grandad, my aunt etc) - LGBT+ **** that I don't really want to talk about.

Plus the fact I feel the worst I have in a long time, even worse than what led me to hospital a few weeks ago and I'm terrified of doing it again. I have an appointment with mental health team on the 11th but I'm not sure I can wait that long.. but at the same time, I feel like I'm just using up NHS resources? I could easily book an emergency appointment with my GP, but they'll just tell me to wait until the 11th. I could ring the crisis team but thats for crisis, and I feel like I'm permanently in crisis. I have issues with impulsivity and recklessness and it comes on in a matter of minutes so one minute I'm fine and then next I'm in hospital so.. I feel on edge about it and constantly n crisis but it's not the kind of crisis the crisis line was made for.. if that makes sense.

I don't know. My grandad offered to pay for me to go inpatient somewhere and I would accept that, I'd go tomorrow if I could. But I worry that it'll affect any chance of university, even if I get this overdue work done, I worry that going inpatient will halt university in September. I also worry that the assessment done by the private psychiatrists etc to go inpatient will come back with them telling me I'm fine.

Sorry, I know this is long. I just needed to let it all out.

Hello hxlcyon, just wanted to let you know that I read your post and I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I have had to drop out in the past and although it is not a good feeling, sometimes it is necessary for our mental health. (I plan to go back to school in a little over a year to finish my degree). How would you feel about withdrawing for now, focusing on your living situation (maybe getting a part-time or full-time job and moving out on your own?), and going back to school when you feel ready?

If you ever feel unsafe please don't hesitate to call a crisis line or head over to the emergency room. Your life has value and things will get better, hang in there!

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I'm glad you have an appointment with the mental health team. If you are feeling unsafe, I encourage you to use the crisis line or go to the ER as many times as you need to. It might be a good idea to take your grandfather up on his offer. Imagine how much easier school will be when you're back on your feet.

I had severe depression my first semester at college and had to drop out. I eventually was able to go back and get my degree, a graduate degree and a CPA license. Hold on...it will get better.

University can wait. My daughter is 30 and starting university. In fact, you are never too old. Wouldn't you rather be entering university being in a good place emotionally? Have you considered that waiting until you have the work done, and your mental health is under control would be setting yourself up for success? So my recommendation is that you accept your grandfather's support. My second recommendation is to remove yourself from the home situation with your mother. It is unhealthy.

[happysobercrafter]

Do you have an advisor who can help you withdraw or drop your classes? I agree on your living situation, is there any way you can move? Bless your heart, honey!! You do have too much going on.

[hxlcyon]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I really appreciate it.

My college have been really good about my health and have offered for me to do the usually one year course (which I am supposed to have completed in June but overdue work etc meant that I haven't graduated yet) over the next year, and go to university next September. The only issue is that I don't think I can live at home happily for another year. In my mind its already set that I'll no doubt end up in a worse place if I am at home any longer, university was/is kind of my one way ticket out of here and away from my family for good.

I have attempted college 3 times now, twice I dropped out within a month because of my mental health and this third time I almost finished (and still might if I can get my act together). My grandma has been on my case repeatedly telling me I should have just stuck college out and I'd have been gone by now, and she's constantly telling me how disappointed she is that I didn't graduate sooner. I don't think I could survive another year of that - she lives opposite me and my mother, so there is no hiding from her either.

Just thinking about all of this **** going on makes me want to cry my eyes out and it's honestly driving me crazy and I'm at such a loss of what to do.

[Misssy2]

Take the offer your Grandfather gave you as others have said...school will always be there.

You will not enjoy anything or possibly even be able to retain what you need to retain in school to reach your goals.

Do it now for yourself....so that you can start to heal.

[Unrigged64072835]

I know the stressed feeling with college work. I have a 700 word essay to write for a final and one week of course work left for my other class. With my husband being unwell for the past week I'm pushing it. I work on breathing, countering thoughts and distraction and self-soothing if I need to. I take little chunks of work at a time so I'm not so stressed. I tried starting early but life happens.