[qwerty68]

I am really not sure where to put this, there doesn't seem to be a good place for it so I hope this is okay.

20 months ago and for about 6 years before that I had to donate plasma to survive, I could just barely get by but I also needed to juggle maxed out credit cards when bigger issues came up. I was on a financial tight wire and frankly if my 'good' luck hadn't happened 20 months ago I would be homeless and bankrupt by now. So I feel bad asking this but it is bringing up new things that trigger my old crap and is hard to deal with.

I say 'good' because it only came about because my mental health severely deteriorated.

I am now in a position that I can buy a very modest home in an area with a very reasonable real estate market. This is freaking me out. I feel unworthy, which I am of course. It is the smart thing to do since rents are increasing really fast so my fixed income actually shrinks every year. COLA's simply don't keep up. Plus, owning a home is a good investment and my mortgage payment will likely be less than my rent even though the house will be significantly nicer. I even get my property taxes waived so I don't really have to worry about any significant increasing costs, even electricity to dirt-cheap here. I am looking at building a house that comes with warranties and other assurances. It is the wise move all around.

I am cycling through many emotions from fear to absolute terror. To give a little idea about it, I have never been excited about buying a car even though I knew it was going to be easy to pay off. I dislike any kind of debt, even the good debt of a home loan. Doesn't make sense since I will have more extra money with lower monthly payments.

I have been talking with an agent for two weeks over email and am meeting her tomorrow which is absolutely terrifying. I am the type to use self-checkout so I don't have to talk to anyone. She seems quite nice and has closed a lot of VA loans so is used to dealing with us whiny, stubborn and issue-filled vets. She is even kind enough to share 20% of her commission with me, which is amazing to me. The idea of meeting her is terrifying. I understand completely it is a business thing but women usually look at me and run away. Talking to strangers is not exactly my forte, especially women.

I have never gone through this process but am reading up as much as I can, but it is still confusing. It feels like I am entering a pitch black tunnel with lots of traps. Maybe it would be easier if I had a spouse to lean on.

I don't want to lay all my crazy on whoever reads this but I am even stressed and upset about the idea of having a neighbor or two that like to be overly social - defined as more than a 'hello' once a month. I live in a complex and have lived next to for at least 5 years and I don't even know their names and I doubt I have spoken a complete sentence to them ever. I really like that.

So I have my usual self-loathing, actually seething hatred and unbreakable belief that I deserve nothing good, to deal with but there is even a little excitement, fear, social anxiety and whatever else involved with all which is new also.

I don't know if I have an exact question but if you can relate and give any advice it would be appreciated. I know some may want to ask how someone like me could be well enough to sign mortgage papers. I don't know how but I guess I am.

[Sunflower123]

I read your post and I hear and support you. This sounds like wonderful news! I’m sorry your anxiety is doing a number on you. You do deserve this. I hope your meeting goes well. Just take one step at a time. I’m here if you want to talk as you go through this. Good luck and best wishes.

[qwerty68]

Thanks

Well, I barely survived the meeting with the realtor so I guess that is good. In the past 2 weeks I have spoken to more strangers than I have in the past year, it is not easy.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by qwerty68

Thanks

Well, I barely survived the meeting with the realtor so I guess that is good. In the past 2 weeks I have spoken to more strangers than I have in the past year, it is not easy.

Kudos to you. It’s not easy talking to strangers. You’ll have that house before you know it! I’m so happy for you.

[qwerty68]

This is so stressful, even with an amazing realtor to help me, I feel so overwhelmed.

I think I should crawl back under my rock where I belong. I don't deserve happiness. My sister is pushing me to stay with it. At least this is definitely my fault.