[Merope]

I’ve been in therapy for about five months and a lot of the time my T and I talk about my parents and how they messed up (emotional abuse, questionably inappropriate behaviour etc). I love my parents but I think I am very angry at them. Right now we are spending the next two weeks together and I constantly find myself lashing out and struggling to stay calm. I think I made my mum upset last night and although part of me realises I’m entitled to feel this way, I’ve noticed that I’m horrible to her when she’s trying to be nice. I don’t know why, but it throws me off. Now I feel like the most horrible person on earth and I can’t shake off the feeling that I don’t deserve good things and that my parents were always right in treating me the way they did. I think I’m gaslighting myself in the sense that I question my reactions to the bad aspects of their parenting and even though logically I know they were wrong, emotionally I feel like I deserved it.

Right now, the anxiety is so bad that I feel ashamed to even tell my therapist about this because I’m afraid he’ll give up on me. I hate the way I’m treating my mum but at the same time I know that if I attempted to explain to her how I feel she wouldn’t understand. Even my therapist said I should lower my expectations because it sounds like my parents would not react well to my show of emotion and honesty.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to get out of this post. Maybe I’m just venting, so feel free to ignore. I want to be a better person and be nice to the people who have hurt me but I can’t do it. I don’t have the self discipline to stay emotionally detached and the more I try to make things work, the worse it seems to get. I feel like a horrible, bratty, failure of a person and it really hurts.

[marvin_pa]

Is there any way that you could periodically excuse yourself & go out for a walk or something, when you start to feel the stress building up? It might give you a chance to breathe & relax a bit. Emotional detachment is really hard face to face, so you shouldn't beat yourself up if you find yourself reacting - what's done is done, so let the moment pass & try to avoid anticipating the next time it may happen.

And if venting here helps, then vent away.

Originally Posted by Merope

I’ve been in therapy for about five months and a lot of the time my T and I talk about my parents and how they messed up (emotional abuse, questionably inappropriate behaviour etc). I love my parents but I think I am very angry at them. Right now we are spending the next two weeks together and I constantly find myself lashing out and struggling to stay calm. I think I made my mum upset last night and although part of me realises I’m entitled to feel this way, I’ve noticed that I’m horrible to her when she’s trying to be nice. I don’t know why, but it throws me off. Now I feel like the most horrible person on earth and I can’t shake off the feeling that I don’t deserve good things and that my parents were always right in treating me the way they did. I think I’m gaslighting myself in the sense that I question my reactions to the bad aspects of their parenting and even though logically I know they were wrong, emotionally I feel like I deserved it.

Right now, the anxiety is so bad that I feel ashamed to even tell my therapist about this because I’m afraid he’ll give up on me. I hate the way I’m treating my mum but at the same time I know that if I attempted to explain to her how I feel she wouldn’t understand. Even my therapist said I should lower my expectations because it sounds like my parents would not react well to my show of emotion and honesty.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to get out of this post. Maybe I’m just venting, so feel free to ignore. I want to be a better person and be nice to the people who have hurt me but I can’t do it. I don’t have the self discipline to stay emotionally detached and the more I try to make things work, the worse it seems to get. I feel like a horrible, bratty, failure of a person and it really hurts.

Try to accept your parents as they are/let go. You may notice later in life that you end up having some of their bad traits. Though you can work to handle things a little differently but you MAY have inherited or learned some of your anxiety from your mom.

Anxiety is not all bad if you learn how to manage it properly. Channel it by finding things you can control like making time to exercise, eat well and dress sharply.

It's OK to feel bad about yourself and post about it here but then, afterwards, try to do something to make yourself feel better. Most people have moments where they are not their best selves. My dad would joke, "You can't spoil a rotten egg (I was a spoiled child ) but said it in a way that made me know he loved me even when I acted horribly. It is normal for us to act out (be our worse selves) sometimes with our parents. Most still love and forgive you!

[sans]

I can relate. When I’m in a good mood and trying to be playful and light with my kids, they aren’t in the mood and give me attitude. Next time, they’re goofing around but I’m stern and serious. Many times, I’ve said mean or inappropriate things to people I love and care about, especially when I was younger.
It’s hard to say I’m sorry, but I really try to go back and apologize for my errors when I can see them. I think it helps the relationship with letting go of resentment.
I often think I’m the worst mom in the universe, but in reality I know I’m the best I can be,
and a lot of times, we judge ourselves way too harshly.
By the sounds of your post, you sound like a very caring person. I have a hard time imagining you as a terrible person. Maybe you can act terrible at times, but that wouldn’t define you as a whole. Especially when you’re working hard to make things better.
Sans