[justuraveragegoose]

Hey guys... I'm having a rough time. I've always been anxious, but it hasn't been until the past couple years that I've realized that this anxiousness might actually be an anxiety disorder (and in recent times it's gotten worse).

I grew up in a religious family, and I always explained my feelings of anxiety, shame, and worthlessness as a punishment from God for making mistakes, having bad thoughts, etc. I would like to note that my family and church were NOT responsible for teaching this, this was just something that seemed the only logical conclusion to a young girl who did not yet know much about mental health issues. My mother was heartbroken when I told her I have always felt this way. There's part of me that still thinks this.

Now, I am questioning my religious faith. Is there even a God? If so, are the teachings of my church the true ones? I feel like He hates me sometimes. If He even exists. I am so unsure of this. I would like to be faithful and find peace in the church like everyone else seems to, but I have church, God, anxiety, and shame so tied up together. I feel awful every time I make a mistake.

I was sexually abused by a boyfriend in high school which sent me into a depressive spiral and it still makes me feel a bit bad (though I did talk to a religious leader about that, and he was very accepting and helped me ease my guilt about that situation). Now I have an amazing loving boyfriend, who I would very much like to be intimate with, but our church holds high standards about sexual behavior before marriage. Though we've tried to be careful about not doing too much together, some things we have done have also brought back those awful feelings of shame and hopelessness for me. And it sucks because once I was forced to do sexual things, and now I have someone I would like to do those things with, but I can't because of the rules of a God I don't even know if I believe in. But I can't just disregard the teachings of my religion because it is what I was raised with, and something I don't want to give up either. It's something I want to believe in, but I don't know. I guess I really just want to be able to give up the shame I attached to it.

Often I just feel broken and don't know how I can ever be okay again and redeem my self of various sexual sins/thoughts, especially as I continue to struggle with them. I wonder if I will ever be okay in God's eyes... but in all honesty, I do know that my religion teaches forgiveness and repentance. So what truly hurts me is the thought that I will never be able to get there and repent and forgive myself.

Lately my anxieties about various things are becoming more paranoid, and since I'm feeling anxious... I'm also feeling guilty. (Why oh why did I connect those things in my head?). I just want peace. I need to come to terms with my anxieties and my religious beliefs and sort through all that... but I don't know how.

Sorry for the long post, if you're still reading, I really appreciate it. Typing this out has helped me feel a little better tonight.

[Huesito]

Greetings fellow human,
You are not alone...I went through a faith crisis recently and I made it through and so can you.
First off, I would suggest that is you are supposed to be on medication, then take it as prescribed every day while you're trying to navigate through this difficult area...I did it without any meds and it was a pretty rough ride.(to put it mildly) I was raised in a very religious home and bear the psychological and emotional scars to prove it..Btw, I was raised Mormon...
I started by challenging the teachings and history of the Mormon church, then the bible and finally all paranormal claims.(ie. Psychic abilities, etc)
I used critical thinking and the scientific method to basically dismantle all of these, and feel I can finally start the healing process for the religious abuse I endured so many years ago.
The internet and specifically YouTube are your greatest resource for this particular type of journsy....Good luck, fellow human....

[marvin_pa]

I'm not sure if this will help, but here's what my own experiences have thus far led to me to conclude...

If there is a God watching over us, I cannot believe that God would want us to remain unhappy & anxious. Teachings & beliefs are intended to guide & help one find balance, but can sometimes become so overarching in one's mind, that they actually hinder getting closer to that state of grace that one imagines & targets.

That's not to say that those teachings/beliefs should be rejected, but that one should be forgiving to themselves & others in their pursuit of meeting the ideals that one believes in following. What's done is done & by learning from it (what feels right for your path), then you'll likely be a better person as a result.

[ken9018]

i've had the same thoughts and feelings you've experienced. Its hard especially at such a young age and you want to believe in God and do the right things, but things happen and you may slip and make a mistake. I've been trying to come to grips with my anxiety and beliefs also. Reading the Bible daily, attending services and praying usually keeps me grounded in faith, but of course once the anxiety sets in my head gets the spinning. I say the best thing we can do is pray for guidance daily, ask for forgiveness and also if you have therapist talk to them also.

[ShadowGX]

Heh, I like your username. x3

As for the problem, I can't really give you a definitive answer because frankly this is something you need to discover yourself, likely with the aide of a therapist (even a religious based one if you want). I myself struggled a lot with religion and sexuality in my late teens through early 20's. Long story short, I no longer conform to a specific religion because I found they all have holes in them, especially the one I grew up with. What I have done is kept what does make sense and focused on believing those things, recognizing the flaws in the rest, and participated in ways that felt comfortable to me. I definitely don't think I have all the answers, but I try my best to keep an open mind so that I can find more answers and not close myself off like a religion would have you do. I have a lot of peace about my decision to go about it this way.

So I guess my advice would be the following:
1. Find a therapist to discuss this with. Religious-based counseling is a thing and if you want to stay in your religion it might be the best option for you.
2. Have a good thinking session (aka meditate) about it. What makes sense? What doesn't? What things can you just not get on board with?

[Wild Coyote]

Please know that growth necessitates questioning what we have been taught and eventually deciding our own path, which may or may not be congruent with earlier life teachings.

It can be very tough to "individuate" like this in a very religious setting. During our time of questioning/seeking, we could use some support. Many religious groups are not very supportive of questioning their beliefs/practices.

A therapist might be very helpful to you, lending you both confidentiality and support while you sort out your own beliefs at this point in your life.

I had grown up on a very religious group of people. When I had started to honestly question some teachings/beliefs, I was ostracized. That hurt me deeply. I had continued searching for my own Truths and, although this was a very difficult path initially, it's been well worth it. I am very content with my own path/beliefs and they do not match the same beliefs/path as my blood relatives. I honor each of their paths and expect them to honor mine.

I am encouraging you to find your own path, which is a part of growing/maturing. I hope you can find support in your quest for your own Truth.

I am excited for you!


WC