When My Enemy Wins

I'll keep this short and sweet...

I love playing billiards, especially this time of year.

I don't have many friends. The thought of making friends gives me incredible anxiety itself not counting my overall social anxiety.

I wanted to join a billiards league and I thought it would be a proactive step in combating these emotions and the friend issue. I had talked to the league manager over the phone and started to get excited.

However, we the time came, I was so tranquilized with fear and so incredibly afraid that I didn't go. I absolutely hate myself for backing out. I am really upset about it. It was my last week to do it and I blew it.

Sometimes I just feel like the punchline of the worst kind of joke...

I used to do this all the time with free meetup groups. I would register to attend coming meetups, but never go because I was afraid to be awkward, as I am always around people

Two steps forward, one step back. At least you tried. You're obviously interested in billiards. I have the same conflict much of the time. I don't like people, I fear them, don't trust them, yet I have interests in certain things that I might like to pursue. Maybe you need to try to make peace with different parts of yourself: the part that wants to reach out, and the part that needs to feel at least somewhat safe.

((((Many hugs)))

@mountainstream