[catchme]

I broke something today.

I'm living with my partner's parents, as well as his two brothers. I was trying to close the window in the kitchen because it was getting cool. A glass angel was hanging on the glass, and I knocked it down and broke it.

When I told my partner's mom, she was angry. I'd put the pieces of the angel in a plastic bag, thinking the wings could be glued back on, but she stormed into the kitchen and threw it into the trash. She walked away mumbling about people breaking her ****.

I didn't mean to break it. I try so hard to be considerate of others. I clean up after myself, and after others. And her reaction brought me back to growing up with my own mother, when it seemed I could do nothing right.

I'm so tired of being everyone's punching bag. I'm tired of having to rely on others for a place to live because I'm unable to financially support myself.

Now I'm looking for apartments I can afford with disability, and it's not looking good because there's such a high demand for HUD housing. I want to live in a van and go where I want and not deal with people, but unfortunately that also costs money that I don't have. I'm starting to wonder why I even try if there's no way out.

Thanks for reading if you did. I feel hopeless.


P.S. My partner is autistic and not receiving disability, but unable to work.

[winter4me]

I am glad you are looking for a place, it is a tough time to be looking but you know what you need. It's not hopeless....but a rough road.

[portraitartist]

You're not hopeless! You are a human being. You are completely valid and you're doing more than enough. I think it's sometimes hard to realise that there are lots of people that are hard to get on with. I'm also financially dependent on my family, because i'm a full time student and i don't have a source of income aside from student loans which i don't really count. Quarantine makes everything harder because you can't escape from anywhere. I don't know the rules and regulations for you but i think it adds a lot more anxiety and tension to everyone when you have to live in such a shared space. I don't want you to think that you don't have a way out, because things change and one day it'll be different.

[catchme]

Originally Posted by portraitartist

You're not hopeless! You are a human being. You are completely valid and you're doing more than enough. I think it's sometimes hard to realise that there are lots of people that are hard to get on with. I'm also financially dependent on my family, because i'm a full time student and i don't have a source of income aside from student loans which i don't really count. Quarantine makes everything harder because you can't escape from anywhere. I don't know the rules and regulations for you but i think it adds a lot more anxiety and tension to everyone when you have to live in such a shared space. I don't want you to think that you don't have a way out, because things change and one day it'll be different.

I thank you for your words of hope. It's difficult to be optimistic when life is so difficult, especially now. My mental health is really suffering right now, even though I'm doing more to manage it, like yoga, eating well, seeing a therapist and taking my medication. I've changed my mind and think I will stay where I am for now, since my goal is to get a van to modify for living, and not to get another apartment. There's no way I could save for a van if I'm paying for an apartment and living on my own.

Thanks for the compassion. It means a lot.