Friendship anxieties

@Owl, that’s lovely that someone was kind enough to take time to explain things. It makes my day when that happens to me.

Friendships and relationships are complex things. I flip-flop in life between times when I feel the need and the motivation to build friendships, and then other times when I could quite happily relocate to a crofter’s cottage in the Outer Hebrides and never see anyone again. I often wonder sometimes if I’m sociable because I feel societal/conforming pressure to be that way - not necessarily because it makes me happy, but rather that striving to do the things that appear to make me “normal” makes me happy (happier). I bet this doesn’t make much sense.

After a series of therapy sessions, before Covid, my therapist was convinced I fitted very strongly into the Asperger’s Syndrome category. I think therapists shy away from recognising this now, and prefer to put people somewhere on the autistic spectrum, rather than separating out Asperger’s, but I’m not sure. Anyways, I had an informal diagnosis later that classed me as this too, and the conclusion was that I’d got through life by learning adaptive behaviour - I’d become an excellent mimic - to hide my underlying feelings. So people never see the “real” me.

Maybe this is why I find friendships and socialising complex.

I hope this doesn’t make me come across as being unsympathetic, or dismissive of friendships and relationships. I think, when I’m at my worst, I just can’t cope with socialising - is just too hard and stressful (for me), but I think I understand the needs that others feel to have strong friendships.

Oh dear, I have babbled, and none of this is really helping @Discombobulated.

Jeff.

P.S. It’s not just the States, the whole world is going to the dogs.

Yeah, I ran into that neighbor before. She was neighborly then too, but unfortunately she lives in that other building. It makes my day too.

Thanks for explaining. I was going to say, before you posted, that saying "That's life" minimizes Disco's loss. Or anyone's loss, be it a death, drifting apart from a friend, losing a job, etc. I'm not that familiar with Asperger's, so I don't know. It's also hard to read someone's tone on a computer screen, without the nuances of body language and tone of voice.

My senior center recently had another "friendship mixer" but it was too soon after the time change for me to go. It was hard enough when I was still on Standard Time. I'm glad to see they changed the format, but they laid it on thick touting it as "Make a new friend!"

I agree with you that it's complex.

I'm receiving "friendly phone calls" from a volunteer from the non-profit targeting seniors. But she hardly calls me. We've done a bit of texting but that's meant for brief communication. I've asked the organization can I have an additional person. I know they are volunteers but this isn't what I thought it would be. I need more contact, and I've gotten to this point where I'm now relying on organizations for this kind of thing. And they are stretched thin as it is.

I'm not a loner and don't want to be. Getting older is scary, especially in this country.

You're right that the whole world has gone to pot. Someday all of this will be in some history books, if humans are still around.

And now I've ranted, but this friendship thing is kind of a thorn in my side. The word is overused and has connotations that don't pan out anymore.

Thanks no, it is helpful to hear your experience. Really.

I wonder that too about whether I really do want friendships or I’ve just been socialised to think that. Except, I do long for connection I think, for instance the replies I get here really do mean something.

Can’t write much more now but just wanted to acknowledge you both. Thanks.

You’re not a coward. You just finally started to realize that it’s not worth the stress & tbe blow to your self esteem to keep on encountering awful people who end up mistreating you.

I might just give up completely soon too. Most people are selfish & self absorbed.