Friendship anxieties

I can understand that this is going to hurt for a while. Eight years is a longtime for a friendship, so it’s painful when it ends.

As painful as it is, it’s good that you can still think of this person as a “great person” - that doesn’t sound crazy to me at all. It’s also better that at least she told you she was ending the friendship and explained why. It’s not good, but she didn’t leave you wondering in the dark. We never really know what’s going through people’s minds, and I guess if she wasn’t open about her own issues then maybe something has cropped up in her own life to destabilise it. Perhaps this has impacted her decision to end the friendship. I know when my mental health is at its worst then my decision making is very erratic and poor. Although she hasn’t said that this is the case, it doesn’t mean she isn’t going through a bad period, it’s just that maybe she didn’t want to be open about it.

I think what I’m trying to say here is that I don’t think this is your fault. It sounds like your approach to the friendship has been consistent and stable, and that it is your friend who, for whatever reason, has changed. You can’t control that. What you can control is the way you react to it. Try not to let it impact your other friendships. Yes, it may not be the last time you lose a friend, but if you react by withdrawing and never trusting anyone again then you may lose out on other moments of happiness. All that will happen is you will hurt even more.

In terms of thinking that you are not “good enough”, I think that is the toughest one of all. You’re certainly not alone in thinking this about yourself. I’ve spent most of my a life feeling the exact same thing. I’m working on it though. A counsellor said to me recently that she recognised that no matter how many people told me I was a good person, with good qualities, it would make absolutely no difference to my life until I actually could acknowledge and tell myself that I was a good person. I’m trying to do this on a daily basis now. I’m starting to look at things objectively, and see the positive things that I do, that I know are good and worthwhile, and that do actually make me a good person.

I think you have lot in your life that should make you feel “good enough”. Your have showed your friend compassion, after she ended this friendship, and you were a good friend to her for eight years. These are the positives you need to think about - these are the qualities of a good person. Believe in yourself @Discombobulated.

I really feel for you, @nonightowl, having someone do this to you. That doesn’t sound like good friendship. I’m not sure I could cope with someone dealing with me in this manner. That’s just cruel.

I agree, I think that on the whole humans are wired up to want to connect, but I think the extent to which people are capable of doing this, and want to do it, are dependent upon our early development in life.

It’s good that you connect with people on these forums though. Hopefully it provides some small comfort.

@NovaBlaze, No it wasn’t a friendship but I thought it could turn into one. She originally called me as a volunteer with a nonprofit during lockdown in 2020. It was to ease isolation. But once that program ended she still wanted to call. Why I don’t know. And I misinterpreted her rescheduling if she couldn’t talk during our usual time as me meaning something to her. Wrong! Maybe she has her own issues in talking about herself.

The site is a small comfort but definitely small. It’s not nearly as busy as it used to be. The forums on childhood emotional neglect and loneliness are dead. I had emotionally distant parents yet I am capable of a connection.

This isn’t exactly the same thing but I had a hairdresser I went to for 4 years suddenly told me he didn’t want to do my hair anymore. I was a steady customer and always on time. He said some incoherent stuff since he was breaking up during a bad connection. He wished me luck then hung up on me.

The receptionist at the senior center used to call me when she found out nobody calls me. It was just 5 minutes and of course superficial but it was contact. She suddenly stopped and when I asked her in person why, she said she had no time. It was 5 minutes not 5 hours. It takes lot of guts to do that to someone you will run into. Got to give her credit for that……

This isn’t about friendship per se but courteous communication. The girls running the book club won’t communicate with us about what efffing book they are reading and confirming the next meeting date. I only installed the stupid app because it’s how they prefer to communicate! I know they are just teenagers but how hard can it be to tell us the TITLE of the book. If I don’t want to read it I’ll read something else.

I know what you mean by having to keep trusting people or giving them a chance. This is a drastic analogy but it’s like a vase that’s been cracked many times. It can only be repaired only so many times.



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Same here. I wasn’t the popular girl and 60 years later I still remember that.

It’s like I’m not good enough for a friend or even a client. I had a real life friend I knew 10 years who ghosted me. The word wasn’t even in use then. Finally after a voicemail and snail mail letter to her, she finally responded but wasn’t diplomatic about it. She said her life changed a lot and I guess she didn’t connect anymore. I thought something happened to her because it didn’t occur to me she’d cut off contact deliberately. That’s why I kept trying to reach her. We had no mutual acquaintances or friends.

Not to downplay what your friend did but she gave some explanation that made some sense.



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Yeah it made sense, and she had every right, no one should continue a friendship if they don’t want it. It was just really sad to me. I still felt connected.

So many of us share the “I’m not good enough” narrative and it’s one that’s all too easily applied to any failure that happens to happen to us. Many of the “so many” of us are even aware of this narrative and still we cannot drive it out of our heads.
I’m pushing 45 and only now are the narratives dwindling, probably because they are just absolutely exhausted by the decades of constant employment 😅 and of course the resistance that I showed them at every opportunity in which I was able to.
So remember that it is a narrative, a ghost of the past, be aware and resist and keep resisting, always resist.

It sounds like you found the good in your relationship with this person, and that’s great, I hope that you, from time to time, will recall the friendship that you two shared.
It’s fine for things to end, when a knitted sweater if finished and the knitting comes to an end, does the sweater unravel?

When I describe not feeling good enough and my past narrative it’s not that I don’t think I’m a good person. I do think I’m a good person, and I do my best in all my roles in life (wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, volunteer).

More specifically it’s the knowledge that at several times in my past I was the one who was left out of friendship groups. That’s hard for me to share here. I look at my niece who’s an adult now and she always had this ability to make close friends everywhere she went and she has this supportive network around her. She seems to have this very natural social ability.

Going back to me, I’ve had good times in my life when I’ve used strategies to develop my connections but most of them have been superficial, they’ve dropped away. I didn’t mind this, they faded naturally and mutually and were shallow activity based attachments, they were fun while they lasted but they didn’t mean much.

I read online that 70% of friendships will be over by 7 years. Apparently if you make it to 7 years you have a good chance of having a lifetime friend, so the statistics say. Interesting to me.

My most recent lost friend was to me close, we shared a lot of stuff, it was a support friendship. We did, I hope, talk through a lot of stuff that helped us both, there were many shared vulnerabilities which is what makes a deeper friendship. This is why that hurt so much.

We were closer than my real life friend (who didn’t explain why she suddenly dropped me) who I had shared experiences with but didn’t share vulnerability with.

Now I don’t have that online friendship which I did gain support from. It’s come at a time in my life when I’m facing the decline in health of my parents and my husband. I don’t have the time or the energy to forge new relationships or the resilience to take possible rejection either.

I’m just sad I lost my most recent friend and I do worry I was a drag too.

To @NovaBlaze. thanks I don’t think she is having trouble at the moment, she sounds like she’s getting her life together and has a newish relationship with a lovely man who she sounds very happy with, but yes it’s worth baring in mind. Thanks for giving me that perspective.

It’s hard to find the right words so I don’t think I’m not a good person. It’s that I don’t get why people don’t see and appreciate that. I just want someone to give a $hit about me like I did/do for people. I asked a neighbor would she check on me. She said sure and that was a year and a half ago. Lip service.

7 years seems arbitrary. I don’t see how people have friends they have known since kindergarten. That would be over 10 years even for a teenager.

Being an introvert it’s harder to connect but it’s something we seek. A strong support system is vital in the US where there’s few safety nets for people. And it’s such a shallow and superficial culture, transactional and pragmatic. I recently learned a “connection” I had was strictly transactional. That person has ghosted me.

I’m at a time in my life with no family or close friends, just one real friend out of state. 17 years now. I went to a “friendship mixer” at the senior center. I met one man who said he didn’t want to hear any negativity and a woman who gave me an invalid number. It didn’t ring, just a fast busy signal. Tried from my landline and cell. Either she wrote it wrong accidentally or on purpose.

If they have another one I’ll go because I don’t want to live like this. But I don’t have the resilience to handle another dumping. There are almost 50 women in my exercise class and I wonder if any of them are lonely. Or when I see some of them talking laughing I wonder if they are close friends or acquaintances.

It depends on the sweater. I’ve had literal sweaters unraveling from years of wear and tear. So, sweater or person.



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Recently i rejoined the nonprofit from 2020 as they have volunteers to make friendly calls to isolated seniors. So far my volunteer has called just once but that was weeks ago. Still she’s a volunteer and she has stuff on her plate too.

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So much pain, so many hurt, and such great advice through all your posts. I really wish it wasn't so, how people come and go through our lives, and all too often taking a piece of heart with them, whilst breaking other parts of it. I'm recovering from the loss of the closest friend I have had in my life, just shy of 10 years. And I find making sense of the why it happened very difficult. Two marriages, a previous friendship of near 20 years, this one of near 10. 3 kids who want nothing to do with me. I've always felt that I loved others more than they cared for me. And thought that it must be me.

Truth is, there are literally millions of variables in everyones lives. All those variables are controlled with a priority system that is so complex, built over decades of life. Keeping them safe.

However for me, if I am brutually honest with myself, is the demise of every friendship was - I stopped loving myself. I gave my love to them rather than giving it to myself - expecting they would return it. When in reality, it was always mine to give myself.

How the other person reacted, I couldn't control that. The only thing I can now control is what all of it means to me now. And yes, as so many of you have mentioned, and I certainly feel it to - it feels like there is no energy, mentally, physically, emotionally left in the tank to "start again". What's the other option though? Its ultimately, unacceptable and I MUST refuse to give up on myself, because the moment I do, I cannot expect to have someone drawn to that which I have labelled beyond help.

The best thing I know, I absolutely know - is now is the time to love myself, and, give myself as much love as I want to give someone else. The idea being, the best version of me will attract others, and has a lot more potential for success, than me seeking to find a friend one person at a time.

To anyone who hasn't read it, I strongly recommend reading the "four agreements".

Love to each and every one of you, You are ALL exceptional, and I mean exceptional human beings! If ever, ever you doubt your care, your ability BE loved - read the posts around yours. Look at those posts with pride, as they reflect others giving you love, just as you are. Look at those posts with hope, because if it can happen here in a small way, (not the love you may be seeing, and it is love none the less) then drawing in love is possible, everywhere

Thanks @Blitter2014

I’m so sorry you had a friendship of 10 years end recently thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I thought a lot about your post, there’s a lot in there for me to consider and no I hadn’t heard of the Four Agreements, I just read a synopsis, that sounds intriguing.

Yes I also feel being our own friend is very important, I’m coming to that way of thinking more and more. My husband says I’m ‘a giver’ and he feels I give too much to others, on occasion he has a point, I have sometimes put others before myself when I maybe shouldn’t have, it’s a sure way to end up drained.

I’m not sure if I’m like that as a desire to be liked and accepted…. It’s possible.

I’m feeling a lot more philosophical about my online friend. I liked her very much and I’m just sad I won’t get her emails anymore, or hear how she’s doing, I think I’m always going to wonder that. But the more I think about it the greater service I realise she did me telling me she no longer wants to keep in touch, it shows emotional intelligence imo. It hurt in the moment but it’s allowed me to process and find closure from it. I’m also grateful I didn’t receive any character criticism from her, I’ve heard of people who’ve said goodbye by casting their friend as the villain, that must hurt horribly.

Anyway these are my Wednesday teatime thoughts for what they’re worth. Thanks for reading, and yes I agree with Blitter you’ve all provided me with hope with your kindness and support.

I don’t know if I can ever be philosophical about it because it happens so frequently. It’s rational to think it must be me, and it wasn’t until I read posts online from others that I realized it probably isn’t. I hope not anyway. I believe I’m okay the way I am; I don’t know what people want from me to have them stick around.

Recently I’ve gotten it all at once, both online and in real life. So I’m regrouping yet AGAIN.

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I hear you

I wish I had an answer for you. I’m not sure what people want either.

I think btw it’s easier for me to be philosophical about this experience because this friend did give me the consideration of an explanation. In instances where people cut off contact with no word it is so much harder.

This is the case for me except for one woman I knew 10 years. But I really had to track her down and confront her. I don’t do this anymore, with anyone.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated Thanks @Blitter2014 I’m so sorry you had a friendship of 10 years end recently thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I thought a lot about your post, there’s a lot in there for me to consider and no I hadn’t heard of the Four Agreements, I just read a synopsis, that sounds intriguing. Yes I also feel being our own friend is very important, I’m coming to that way of thinking more and more. My husband says I’m ‘a giver’ and he feels I give too much to others, on occasion he has a point, I have sometimes put others before myself when I maybe shouldn’t have, it’s a sure way to end up drained. I’m not sure if I’m like that as a desire to be liked and accepted…. It’s possible. I’m feeling a lot more philosophical about my online friend. I liked her very much and I’m just sad I won’t get her emails anymore, or hear how she’s doing, I think I’m always going to wonder that. But the more I think about it the greater service I realise she did me telling me she no longer wants to keep in touch, it shows emotional intelligence imo. It hurt in the moment but it’s allowed me to process and find closure from it. I’m also grateful I didn’t receive any character criticism from her, I’ve heard of people who’ve said goodbye by casting their friend as the villain, that must hurt horribly. Anyway these are my Wednesday teatime thoughts for what they’re worth. Thanks for reading, and yes I agree with Blitter you’ve all provided me with hope with your kindness and support.

Thank you for your kindness and care. As too everyone.

One big thing I left out, which came to me this morning, was to ALWAYS BE LIVING AT CAUSE. This means, always being proactive with our lives. When we're not at cause, we're at effect. Life is happening to us rather than for us.

We have to sew seeds for the life, for people, to give back. Seeds aren't big. Small things for others each day. Gratitude. Doing something each day for ourselves.

Today, I went to the supermarket and bought a chocolate egg for the check out woman. I stopped and shared a joke with someone sitting on a footpath chair. I stuck a little pink streak amidst my red hair, and I've been for a walk.

I woke up sad. I still feel sad. And, I'm proud of myself. Because I showed up for myself and others through my intentions.

YAY to anyone who reads this. You are a freaking sensational human. And, how can I say that? Because if you see sensational in someone else, it MUST exist in you on some lev for your to recognise what it looks like.

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This seems to be the right or best place to vent. People expect me to have friends. I went to the stupid senior center to ask one of the Apple volunteers how to take a selfie for my senior transit card. She said I could just have a friend take it. I told her I don’t have any which is why I had to come down there.

Someone is always triggering me about friends. No, no friends or family or anyone to take an effing picture of me. And no grandchildren to help me with this $hit either.




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Why on Earth didn’t the volunteer take it for you?? Am I missing something?

Yes…I forgot to mention she did take pictures but it took forever for what I was saying to sink in. I said I just need pictures of my ID and a headshot. She took pictures of me standing in front of a wall, from the hips and up. She was bringing up stuff about the wallet app, which I deleted. And digital photos for it and the state. This had nothing to do with what I was trying to do. I don’t want that app back. I wanted to follow the bus operator’s instructions and email the photos. I just needed a HEADSHOT. (I think I can handle taking a picture of my ID)

She tried to get me to reinstall the wallet app and wanted to see the email. The sender showed something other than the bus company but I told her it’s automated. The reply address is different and I wondered why I’m explaining all that to HER? She’s more tech savvy supposedly. What should have taken just 5 minutes took almost 20. Of course if I had a FRIEND to do it, I never would’ve needed to go out of my way. I know how to attach photos but not how to take a good selfie. Lighting, distance of the camera, etc. matter. I didn’t want to have to do it again if the bus company says it’s too small or dark or whatever.

It’s like she wasn’t listening to me. People think I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I do since it’s my situation. I wish I could get the same nice volunteer each time but it’s always a different person each time.

And it also triggered bad memories of when I renewed my membership in 2023 at this stupid senior center. The volunteer processing the first step badgered me about an emergency contact. And said don’t you have any friends?! I swear! B i t c h. I was ready this time but got a nicer volunteer who just accepted it. Sure I’d love it if they could wave a magic wand 🪄 and conjure up some real FRIENDS. No ghosting me or expecting me to be like them.



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That’s so insensitive of the volunteer to say that, I’m sorry you were unlucky enough to get that person.

I’m realising that I’m quite impacted by my recent friend dumping.

This friend was not in real life but I was fond of her and we’d been friends 8 years. We’d shared a lot of vulnerable stuff. I thought I could count on her.

Yesterday I misinterpreted something another face to face friend said to me. I think I’m very aware of signs someone might be getting tired of me. We cleared it up and this friend was cool about it thankfully- I was, I hope gracious in my handling too.

It not nice though, I’m not as secure or trusting as I was. I probably am not the most fun person these days. I don’t like that I’m this way now.

@Discombobulated that’s understandable, it’s bound to affect you. Eight years is a long time.

Try not to be too harsh on yourself. I think any friendship is going to be subject to change over time - some might become stronger, some weaker. I don’t think this is necessarily anyone’s fault, it’s just life.

You always come across as being very kind, understanding and empathetic, and I would expect that this is true of your real life interactions too. Try not to over think it. We can’t all be fun people all of the time, life throws difficult things at us.

I hope you find something positive to focus on this week, that lifts your spirits.

Jeff.

And life can SUCK @NovaBlaze, Jeff ha ha. Yes things change over time, but my not being good with change to begin with (any change), it makes it harder to know who to invest time/energy in. I mean if they aren't going to stick around, I don't know if I want them around at all. Or if it's just a superficial/transactional thing. That's why I don't talk to that woman on the phone anymore.

I'd rather not talk to her all then stick to this 30 minute weekly superficial "conversation." It was like talking to my mother. And I don't need to relive that.

Yeah I don’t think I’m great with change either Owl.

Heck, I didn't even want to use the new washing machine in the other laundry room. Intimidating looking thing with a digital display. I couldn't tell if I was supposed to push that little button after inserting coins. There were no instructions on it. I was afraid it would "eat" my money, but I wanted to get laundry DONE. Both buildings were busy, but thankfully a woman was there who showed me how to use it. And she was kind enough to say that using the heavily soiled option will want more money, because it uses more water.

But I usually use the old, familiar machines. People or machines, I hate uncertainty. The dairy guy at my grocery store transferred to another location.

I miss him. And I was there Sunday, to find out another person transferred. She was a stock clerk. Both were there for ages it seems. I wish my favorite cashier would return to the regular check out lines too. Her replacement is snarky.

And you know what this country is going through. Off the charts uncertainty.

That must be so difficult.