[Locust]

Hey everyone. I know I just sort of dropped off the site for awhile and I apologize. I promise to try and respond to the replies to my old messages if you give me some time now that I'm back. I'm sorry I withdrew there for so long, but I have read all of the replies and read many of them before I left. I'm sorry for not responding before, but I want everyone to know I appreciated the replies and will try to respond soon. I got to thinking about this place today and I decided to drop back in. I really could use someone to talk to, so I hope it's okay if I rant a little here.

I have messed up so bad. I am so far behind in life, my romantic life is so dead there is no hope of ressucitating it, and I have destroyed myself. As far as school goes- as I told you all earlier, usually it takes me half way through a semester to mess up and often, I'll do one good semester and then go south, but even in the second semester when I go south, it usually takes me half way through it before I start failing. This time I started out screwing up. I have never done so bad so early before. I was trying in school before it started, which gave me great hope- reading books and working early on one assignment I knew would be due early on- but then I just messed up as soon as school started. I honestly will lose my financial aid and prob. never get it again. MY GPA is so low- because I've not been trying- that a scholarship is unlikely to ever be attainable.

I feel guilty because my mother is doing so much for me and she doesn't know I'm over here failing. And she actually had faith in me. My sister tells me I might be capable of going to college, but I'm not going to. She's seen me quit too often to believe that. She thinks I should give up and do something else. She also says I'll never publish anything- writing being my childhood dream here. She acts like I'll never do anything. She seems to think it is better to accept the fact that I procrastinate, lose motivation, etc. and fall below what I am capable of- graduating college- rather than to try harder to overcome these personality defects of mine or these issues or whatever you want to call them. It's insulting, but she's prob. right.

I need to withdraw from all my classes immediately. I don't even know if all my teachers will sign for me to do so and the thought of seeing them in person to get the drop slips signed makes me so nervous. I have some anxiety and a large part of it is social. I am seeing one teacher today to drop two classes and need to do the rest immediately if I still can, so I don't drop my GPA any lower than it already is. If it drops much more, no college will let me in. I don't know what to say to them to convince them to let me drop other than I have problems and this is going to obliterate my already pathetic GPA- please have mercy. One of these people will not be polite most likely, either. The first time I met this woman she was making rude comments about my past performance in school. I know I continuously mess up terribly and it is my fault, and maybe she just wanted to give me a helpful kick in the pants, but she KEPT making smart alec comments and it seemed like overkill. She asked me, "How long have you been in school?!," in the type of tone that says, "Wow, you are the college equivalent of a 15 yr. old kindergarten student! You should have been out of here way before now!" Anyway, she ended up giving me the responsibility speech so I dread seeing her now. I also dread carrying all those drop slips up to registration and saying to the people that I'm withdrawing from all my classes. I am also nervous they will jump me right there about the money I owe them back. I really don't need chewing out. I know what I've messed up bad and I'm the one that has to live with it. I'll get them their money back. I don't have a job right now, but plan to fill out applications very soon.

I hate anxiety. It is making this so much more difficult. I almost wish I had someone to stand beside of me while I was doing all of this. Almost, nothing! I want a friend here for moral support, but I am alone- and it makes me even more nervous. Anxiety seems so terribly pointless. Like a sick joke. It has little purpose and it makes me feel miserable and look like a fool- giving some people a laugh I'm sure. I hate anxiety. I know what the purpose of it is supposed to be, but when you have too much anxiety, you aren't very good at fighting or taking flight, either one. I hate everyone knowing I'm nervous, too, and my body usually betrays the signs. Sometimes just the anticipation of being nervous and obviously so, is enough to make me nervous, and I can't help it- not entirely, anyway.

I keep trying to not let anxiety control me, so I signed up to go lobby in Washington, D.C. In WASHINGTON, D.C.- WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I freak out trying to preach to the choir- how am I supposed to handle Washington, D.C.? I just can't seem to talk in front of anyone or to anyone if it feels like a performance. It makes me nervous. I have done this sort of thing on the local level and have gotten nervous enough, but Washington, D.C. is going to give me a hard time. Part of me wants to back out, but part of me says I need to do this. I talked to my therapist about meds, but can't see the psychiatrist until this Tuesday. I want meds NOW.

On the plus side, I got a new car, but I haven't driven in forever and hadn't driven for long before I quit driving. I haven't driven in around a year, either. Anyway, I am terrible as a driver and afraid I'll never get the hang of it. I feel so incompitant.

[gimmeice]

((((((Locust)))))

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now.

[mountainstream]

(((((((Locust)))))))

[RozG]

((((((locust)))))))) sorry things are so rough for you right now...and it is good you're back.

[BalishBun]

Hey now, we all drop out of here for awhile, but find ourselves back sometime later