[mak62184]

Hey! I'm new here. I've been lurking for a few hours now and decided to share my story. I have not been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder yet, but it makes sense. Actually, my mother does believe I am suffering from one because of things from my past. She has a degree in psychology, so she sort of has an idea about these sort of things. Oh yeah, and I was diagnosed with ADD when I was younger.

Anyway, I'm 24 and never really thought anything of these feelings I currently have and have had for awhile. I also am good at hiding my feelings and emotions.

The truth is, I am okay in social settings where I'm not dealing with huge groups of people at once. I also can go out to stores and other places like that and not have panic attacks. However, if the group is supposed to be more personal, I don't always do well. I end up doing more thinking than talking because I can never seem to think of anything to say to butt in or have an opinion. I am also afraid of making a fool out of myself.

I have done activities such as marching band for fun, but I always get irrational fears about people. Since I am afraid of talking to people, I always hope people will come and talk to me, but that is not always the case. When I end up looking like a wallflower, I feel like such a loser. I always take it too personally, like I did something to get noboy to talk to me. I also always get the fear that nobody wants to talk to me because I'm not pretty enough. For example, as you can see from my icon, I love the show Grey's Anatomy and especially Sara Ramirez. I have a huge passion to meet her someday, but I am afraid she would look at me and be absolutely rude and not give me the time of day. However, from what I understand, she is not like that at all, and that's one reason I love her so much.

Phone calls have become nearly impossible because I just have the fear that people will think I'm an idiot for calling or like I am wasting my time. I think this is also affecting me from getting a full time job. I have graduated from college and have my B.A. in Communication Studies. I have a job I absolutely hate right now, but I can't quit because I have nothing else.

And does this just happen to me, or does it happen to others of you too? Sometimes these thoughts and fears I have get so intense that I end up in tears over absolutely nothing. I always believe I am not going to amount to anything at all. And so far, I feel like it's true.

I actually did not start having extreme panic attacks until 2 years ago. It was the weirdest thing ever. I had been going to college for 2 1/2 years, and everything was fine. Well, I ended up feeling uncomfortable and sick all the time, like I thought I was dying or having a heart attack and ended up going to the doctor quite frequently, but they could not figure it out because I was physically fine. I started skipping classes too because I was always in fear of being there, getting sick, and nobody noticing or caring. I even started making sure I was sitting somewhere in the classrooms where I had an easy out and would not disturb people.

Fortunately, things have gotten a bit better. That semester at school, my lowest grade was a C in geography because I skipped so much that I did bad on 1 test and did not complete some out of class assignments because I didn't know about them. I also went back for my senior year a bit happier and wanting to be more social. Like I mentioned in another post, I finally got up the courage to ask people if I could sit with them during meals at band camp. I mean, I should just realize that all we need to do so others can join is pull up another chair or maybe put multiple tables together.

Sometimes I have really good days where nothing bothers me, but lately I have been feeling more anxious. I think it is the job thing, plus my parents being on my case, as well as one of my 3 sisters. Today I am not having such a great day, but hopefully that will change. I think I am going to have to sit down with my parents and fully admit my full problems to my parents so maybe they can understand me better.

And sorry to make this even longer, but I do enjoy lots of different things from dancing and roller skating to going out to see different types of shows, shopping, and watching tv and movies. I can also be a bit of a goofball.

[BalishBun]

hello, and welcome. thank-you for sharing.

[Simcha]

mak62184 said:



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I am afraid of talking to people, I always hope people will come and talk to me, but that is not always the case. When I end up looking like a wallflower, I feel like such a loser. I also always get the fear that nobody wants to talk to me because I'm not pretty enough.

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I have Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Both are much better due to helping myself by going to therapy.
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Phone calls have become nearly impossible because I just have the fear that people will think I'm an idiot for calling or like I am wasting my time.

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That's not good, and entirely irrational (no offense!) Anxiety is ALWAYS IRRATIONAL.
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I think this is also affecting me from getting a full time job.

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Quite probable, if the reason for you not having a full-time job (and you need one) is because of your personal anxieties.
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I have graduated from college and have my B.A. in Communication Studies.

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Hardly the profile of a "loser." I'd say it's a great accomplishment.
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I have a job I absolutely hate right now, but I can't quit because I have nothing else.

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A lot of people don't like or hate their jobs, but stay with it anyway, even if other options are available. That is simply asking to hate your life. Actively look for other jobs, even if they are in other geographical areas. You didn't pay all that money to go to college to work in a job you hate.

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And does this just happen to me, or does it happen to others of you too? Sometimes these thoughts and fears I have get so intense that I end up in tears over absolutely nothing. I always believe I am not going to amount to anything at all. And so far, I feel like it's true.

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No, it definitely happens to others too, but it doesn't have to be this way. It sounds like you have created for yourself what they call a "self fulfilling prophecy." Just remember that these thoughts are cognitive distortions, as they represent completely black and white thinking. It's extremely common for people suffering from anxiety and depressive disorders to have cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are absolute misrepresentations of reality, and can be defeated through therapy.

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I actually did not start having extreme panic attacks until 2 years ago. It was the weirdest thing ever.

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Panic attacks are terrible. Are you sure they are panic attacks though, since you haven't been diagnosed with anything? In any event, they are very treatable with cognitive-behavioral therapy. So are depression and other anxiety disorders. I really hate to hear that your having such a difficult time, and keeping it a secret from everyone you love and care about. Why make yourself suffer? Your obviously not as stupid as you might feel about yourself (unrealistic expectations? self-loathing? comparing self to others?). I REALLY suggest seeking a cognitive-behavioral oriented psychologist. It is really helpful, believe me.

[mak62184]

Yeah, I realize half the stuff I worry about is ridiculous. And my doctor 2 years ago had me on all sorts of meds. Mostly for the ADD so I could concentrate in school. I had been taking Straterra, which made me sleepy and feel sick, then I got put on Adderall XR. I got taken off of that because of problems associated with it, and they thought that was making me sick. It was finally over spring break, where I did absolutely nothing all week because I kept claiming I was really sick or dying, that I got a perscription for Xanax to calm me down. Fortunately, I am not on that anymore. Actually, I'm not taking anything right now either.

Unfortunately, because I'm not working full time, I have no insurance, so I can't afford to see a therapist. But I did talk to my mom last night, and she was suggesting things I could do to help myself. She is also glad that I decided to come to this site and talk to others.

And honestly, besides my parents, and other really close friends, I feel like I have to keep all of my mental problems a secret. Nobody believes me that I have ADD because I'm not hyper. I just have a problem with staying on topic and concentrating sometimes. Also, I know people would take the anxiety lightly, or make fun of me. It just makes me sick that these problems can be very life altering, but everyone thinks they are a joke.

I guess what is really not helping my mood this week is from another message board I post on. I know the people who post there can be such jerks, but I try not to let it bother me. Anyway, I made 1 post about an overnight trip to NYC I did last week, because it was fun. Of course I made the mistake of posting all the details, but that really is how I am. When I tell a story, I need to tell every single unimportant detail because some are just funny. Well, because of that, I got made fun of, and still sort of am. I actually yelled at a so called friend on there for joining in, but we are cool now. Again, I feel like I can't share some info with her because I know it will leak to the people who don't really like me, and it will all be a mess on how I have "mental problems." Plus, I don't want it to be an excuse.

I guess I should be glad that I have not let this problem take over my entire life. Like I said, I am able to go out to places and have fun. I just need to stop believing that anyone I meet in life, or talk to will automatically label me as being a loser.