I'm new to the whole "seek help" thing, so I don't know where to write this, and I haven't been able to see any psychologists recenly (and the ones I used to are at my last college, which I changed from), so until I do, I'd at least like to have an idea of what my brain is making me experience.

This is one of my experiences that are having most control over me. I have others, but this is the one I'm most curious about, and that I have no control over. Yep, "Intrusive Thoughts" (or what I've read of them), seem to fit the bill. But, there are some things that don't quite fit in the definitions I've read and heard about so far...

So, I get urges to do violent acts against people with no apparent reason, and it drives me to a state of anxiety if I can't get it out of my head for a period of time. Yes, that's normal, I'm guessing some people want to point that out. But... Instead of causing me distress, I get these episodes of intense anger (to the point where my hands tremble, I hold back tears, and break whatever I get my hands on) that have, until now, dominated about half of what I might call my "Daily Life", sometimes when I wake up, sometimes during college classes, while I'm hanging out, when I'm eating, even when I'm going to bed I get them... And they don't cause me distress whatsoever at the moment.

The longest episodes of this concoction of anger and violence that somehow intrudes my thoughts that I can remember (since I also have some memory and concentration problems) has been 6 hours, during college hours.

Apart from the amazing anger that infiltrates my own mind and body, I don't feel the need to destroy loved ones. In fact, I think more about strangers than close people, and my thoughts are quite violent. I also find myself thinking that after I complete my act of hatred I won't feel remorse, and if there were no negative consecuences, everyone around me would be in immense trouble. Also, I have motivations that, if met, would lead to the completion of my heinous thoughts. I couldn't harm anyone I have had a conversation with, but if I were shoved or yelled at, and they were conscious that it would anger me, AND they did it out of anger for some reason which I would find unfair, I keep assuring myself that I would end his life in the most disgusting ways I could find by using my bare hands.

The different causes that might make me "lose my control" are:
1) If someone verbally assaulted me while in one of my episodes,
2) If someone pushed or shoved me while in one of my episodes on purpose, trying to look for a fight, and
3) If someone went up to me with a knife, needle, glass, or whatever melee weapon they would use to mug me, and my assaults wouldn't end until their whole being had crumbled to the ground, be it physically or verbally.

These thoughts DO cause me anxiety, sometimes it's even severe anxiety, but not during the moment when my mind goes crazy like that. During those moments, when I experience them, all I feel is an incredible anger and urge to destroy. It is not like me to do these things, but if pushed to the limit of my sanity, I would do them, and I wouldn't stop.

About my psychologists... I was never diagnosed with anything, since I usually just went to them to talk to someone, and I started going to them near the end of the school year. Now I'm going to a college with lots of specialists here and there (it's a school concentrating on science and medicine, is located next to a hospital, and has a whole street in front of it full of all sorts of different specialists).

All I want to know is if, in your honest opinion, my thoughts could be classified as intrusive, or if there is another term for them. I'm not looking for a diagnosis or anything, it's just that I want to at least know what's going on in my brain, you know? Get one of my many cares out of my life.

Thanks for taking the time to read! Hope I didn't bore you all!

Edit: Forgot to add that I have no need of sexual pleasure whatsoever during those moments.

[digdug]

Short anwer to your question: yes.

Long answer: I might be off-base, but I think what you really want to know is if these violent thoughts are a sign of anxiety, or if they point to some kind of disturbing personality flaw inside yourself. I'm happy to report that, from what you are describing, your hunch that these are "intrusive thoughts" is the right one.

Recently there has been some research on what are called "anger attacks", which are actually a variant on anxiety attacks. Instead of feeling anxious, the person feels the urge to cause violence in just the way you describe it. I know this because I've been through the same thing...many times. My attacks don't go on as long as yours, but I know exactly the feelings you are describing.

Here is a link to an article about anger attacks. For some reason About.com got rid of this page, so I have to give you the cached Google version:

http://72.14.205.104/search?q=cache:qWdHQrqs2KUJanicdisorder.about.com/cs/pdbeyond/a/angerattacks.htm+anger+attacks&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=1&gl=ca

For help, you might want to click on the Anger Management link that follows the article. That's not to say you have an anger problem, but the pointers they give in that article have helped me out.

Also, make sure you start seeing a doctor at your college on a regular basis, as you seem to be planning to. Right now I'm on a 2.0mg/day dosage of clonozepam, which seems to keep these anger attacks in check. I'm not trying to offer you a perscription, but what I am saying is that help is available if you go looking for it.

Good luck.