violent intrusive thoughts

I struggle with violent intrusive thoughts of self harm. They come into my mind and I can’t stop them. So far I have been able to keep myself from acting on the big ones—I’ve just done a little cutting and such. Part of me wonders if I will be able to hold them at bay forever.

The worse part about these thoughts is how alone they make me feel. Nobody but me knows about them. Nobody but me feels them. I am completely and utterly alone when it comes to these thoughts—nobody is ever going to be able to experience them. I don’t feel as if I have been able or ever will be able to make another person truly understand them. Isolated. They make me feel so incredibly isolated from the world.

<font color="#000088">You are NOT alone in this area! I have the same problem, the thoughts have been terrorizing me for just over 20 years now! I have been trying so hard not to cut for so long because of them,and somehow I've struggled,but made it 7 years now.But every single day I have that stronge urge to just do it!(cut)I know how hard it is,and how terrorizing those thoughts are,because they don't even let you sleep without bothering you. So just understand that you are not alone here,and I know how bad it feels,and it is very hard to deal with.But somehow if you can find some reason not to harm yourself over it,that would be the best choice for your safety.Just remember,these thoughts aren't your fault they are there, so you don't need to keep punishing yourself for them! Fight them instead,try to push them out,by replacing them with thought of things that you like. That's what I do,it's basically like daydreaming,but forcing yourself to,and sometimes it works.But I won't lie,at times the thoughts are too strong for me! But make sure you remember that these thoughts are not your fault that they are there,it's part of an illness, so please don't keep punishing yourself for them by cutting! It took me a long time to realize that, that was what I was doing in a way, was punishing myself for the thoughts in my mind. But you don't need to!I'd think the thoughts are punishing enough,wouldn't you agree?
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i get very violent and intrusive thoughts...sometimes...i wish i could be just left alone by myself in my bed and continue those thoughts...isnt that terrible....and i agree with justice also.... those thoughts are punishing...when i was a child i really thought i was evil because of them...and no body else in the world has these thoughts...the one good thing though is im not alone...and niether is justice and neither are you
((((Depressme))))
((((justice))))))

Thanks Justice and InACorner—it helps to know I am not alone.

I can relate to wanting to stay in bed and just be alone with the thoughts.

((((DePressMe))))

you are definitely NOT alone in having these thoughts!!

i don't want to scare you, but this behavor can escalate. i don't know how old you are or how long you've been cutting yourself. to illustrate my progression....for me i:

****graphic*****may trigger******

- started tiny cuts when i was around 12 until i needed stitches once
- then began taking prescription/otc medicine to make me sick until i OD on over the counter meds
- then began burning and scratching myself until i hurt myself so badly (just recently) that i was hospitalized....

i understand the intrusive violent thoughts. i scratched up my left arm, burned my right arm and then scratched my stomach (a relatively new location to SI for me). when i started obsessing last week about scratching up my face - i knew i needed to get to the doctor! of course he hospitalized me, rightfully so! i was in for five days and my injuries are healing along with antibiotics and antibiotic cream.

*******end of graphic description***********

i went to my doctor today as a follow up. he is concerned that i do not have anyone i can talk to about this. i won't talk to family and i really don't have close friends. i will be seeing a T in a week. but from my doctor's concern i guess it's important to have a support network...i don't have any answers on how to go about that!!

i do really think you should tell someone, DePressMe!! someone you trust!!!! call a crisis line and ask for an opinion on who in your area you should talk to...tell a close family member....tell your doctor or therapist....tell your pastor/religious leader....someone you KNOW you can trust not to tell anyone else.

i don't ever want you or anyone else to know the horror of being completely out of control with regard to hurting yourself. it sounds like you may be quite a ways away from being in this predicament - but it's never too early to reach out for help. if it helps to explain SI to someone, use my story as an example of where you don't want to end up!!!

i apologize if this seems a little too graphic or intense for your situation or maybe it's not...i just want you to know you are NOT alone in thinking violent thoughts....it scares me to think what could've happend if i'd waited a little longer - as it is, i can cover my scars....i came so close to that not being an option!

PLEASE tell someone. you are NOT alone!!!!!

I have a therapist, pdoc and support network. What keeps me feeling alone is that nobody in my “circle” really truly understands the thoughts and how pervasive they are. I tell them about them, but I just don’t “get it.” My boyfriend and friends want me to get better and stay better—they don’t understand the chronic nature of this illness. My therapist and pdoc listen and I think they know what I am talking about but its like they are not in my head—they can’t experience the thoughts I have—nobody can.

Thanks for writing…I know you have had a similar experience. Maybe I am frustrated right now, because the people who are close to me are taking on the attitude that I should be “over it” by now. I’d like to be over it by now too, but that is just not happening.

i'm so glad to know you have people who know!!

i'm sorry your boyfriend and friends don't understand. i guess its like that with lots of problems - any illness or addiction. people can't understand unless they've been there.

this may sound a little harsh - bare with me....

maybe its not fair to expect them to actually understand? they don't si...they can't feel what we feel or think what we think.

maybe just explaining that this is a part of your life right now. one day you hope it will not be there, but until that time you may need to talk it out or be held and comforted.

maybe they are frustrated because they sense that they are letting you down by not understanding....that may be adding to their attitude of it should be over. ya just never know how people feel and what they are thinking....

or maybe they are just tired of hearing about it? i don't know how often you talk about it with them...maybe asking them if you could talk about a recent episode and allowing them to say no - unless of course your in the midst of a crisis. ask them when a good time would be for you to talk about it....later that day....have lunch with a friend....etc. let them prepare themselves for the conversation. if they say they really don't want to hear about it, then that particular friend isn't someone you should be confiding to about your si (not that they are a bad friend - they just might not be able to deal with it)

so i dunno....just throwing out some random thoughts....playing devil's advocate a bit

at any rate....you have every right to feel frustrated. we are suffering with something HORRIBLE!!!!! and very few people understand it!

and don't let this illness make you feel that you are outside your cirlce! don't let it alienate you!! i'm sure your boyfriend and friends love you very much!!!!! one day you will be better!!!!!