[ScaredSad]

Don't ask me why I did it... I guess things were just too comfortable for me tonight and I went and Facebook'd an ex who cheated on me 5 years ago.

Over the last month, I've been talking a friend through her 4yr relationship ending due to the same reason and I think talking tonight to her and another friend who was around for my break up just pushed me too far... so I typed in the name, hit search, and there it was...

A photo of him, the *****, and 2 beautiful children.

Now, keep in mind that from the first time I found out he was cheating, he denied it. He begged me for forgiveness, begged me to move in with him, called her ugly and an obsessed liar, etc, etc. He said they'd been talking for a year and showed me emails he thought would clear him... but they just made it worse for me b/c she never even knew I existed. I'd been with him for 5 years and she didn't even know I existed at all... The whole last year we were together, we were joking about her as someone weird who emailed him and it turns out he was wooing her the whole dang time.

I emailed her, politely said I thought she should know, and I even felt sorry for her b/c I figured she would be as hurt as I was... but I was so wrong. She blamed me, called me all sorts of names, & sent me harassing emails even up to a year after I broke it off with my ex... For the record, I gave him a 2nd chance, found out he was still lying... he even saw me to give me some of my things, broke down in tears saying how much he loved me and that he never loved her... and I later found out he had proposed to her just the week before...

So, 5 years, 100 lies, 2 children... how does that happen? I don't want him back... not by any stretch... and I don't regret it because 2 lovely children obviously came out of it... but her entire relationship was born out of a lie and maybe part of me is jealous that she finds it so easy to forgive him and move on when I'm still getting nauseated seeing his face 5 years later. The real unfairness of this is that he never once had the decency to admit the cheating to my face... always the lies... so I had to make my own closure.

Ok, thanks for listening, I just needed to write and get it out. I have like a billion other anxiety issues going on right now w/a mother in the hospital 100s of miles away and school activities piling up, money next to nonexistent with bills making me miserable, social obligations I don't want to attend and then, I go and do something stupid like create more pain for myself... I can't blame him anymore... he hasn't actively hurt me since 2003... this one is all me.

Thanks again, hope you are doing well.

PS, I hope the butterflies leave soon. I want to sleep... not vomit.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( Scaredandsad )))))))))))))))) I also do things to myself at times that makes my anxiety worse the curiousity just gets the better of me I guess. I just wanted to thank you for posting so I know it's not just me doing such things. I hope your stomach problems cleared up for you.

[digdug]

Yes, Googling and Myspacing are bad news when you're feeling down...so far I've managed to avoid Facebook, largely just for this reason. I think almost everyone has done a search of an old friend or ex...it's the 21st-century equivalent to the 2am drunken phone call.

As for your situation, I really pity the two chlidren that have come out of that messed-up relationship...their prospects are NOT good, believe me. And I empathize with you for having to put with so much crap for so long...but believe me, you are BY FAR the best off out of anyone in the little soap opera you just described. If your ex and the new wife can be happy in such a screwed-up relationship, there's something wrong with them. And then those poor kids...

It seems like you have a good outlook...you were just in a mood for a little melancholy last night, which is understandable given all the other stuff you have to deal with. Feeling sad can be a release sometimes. Either way I wish you luck dealing with your anxiety and the issues around it.