[Charlotte_Webb]

Hello,

I have just found this site and I am hoping that I can find help in dealing with my husband's new diagnosis of ADD. We have been married for almost 6 years and things were going well, or so I thought. Since his mother passed away two and a half years ago, things have gotten progressively harder. There were financial issues and emotional issues that came to a head last October and now it has all culminated in this diagnosis.

I know I will have to learn to deal with our new normal and I will certainly have questions regarding what to expect once he starts on meds. I hope that this community will help me deal with this new disorder (although, he must have had this for a very long time).

I do understand what it is like to live with a disorder for a long time before ever getting a diagnosis as I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in '97 after spending years, 10+, trying to understand what was going on with me. It certainly helps to know what it is we have but now we are at the stage of "Now what???"

Thanks
Charlotte

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by Charlotte_Webb

I hope that this community will help me deal with this new disorder (although, he must have had this for a very long time).

Welcome Charlotte

My ADHD was undiagnosed until I was an adult. I always knew I was a bit scatter-brained, hyper, forgetful, the energizer bunny. But I managed fairly well without medication. Then I encountered some tough life stresses (depression/anxiety) that just compounded things. At that point the little things I did to keep me on track were ineffective. Basically its hard to tell which came first but when they all combined at once, my life became unmanageble using the old tactics.

So after crashing hard I realized I needed help. I sought counciling, got officially dx with ADHD got some meds and started my journey back to health. I can honestly say things are MUCH better for me. Now that I have my stress better managed, I've been able to back off on the Adderall dosage and at some point will likely go back to manageing this issue without meds.

I just wanted to highlight that your H likely has had problems with this all his life. For me it was just something that was in the background, making A LOT of other things more difficult. Just like your FM, certain things cause it to flare up and need a better management plan.

[aidaleigh]

Charlotte- I think it is awesome that you are looking for advice and information to help understand what your husband is going thru. That shows that you do care about him and what he is going thru.
My husband had some concerns when I first started on my ADD journey. He did not understand it at all since he is a very focused and organized person. He was initially afraid that being on the ADD meds would change who I am and what he loved about me. he quickly learned that his fears was not warranted. Yes, I have changed somewhat but for the better. I am still me, just a better me. The parts about me that he called my quirks that he said he fell in love with are still mostly part of who I am. The quirks that related to the ADD are gone, but he is ok with that.

The "new normal" for your husband will take getting used to for you and him both. It will affect others in your life also. But in my opinion it is so very worth it!!!

Best of luck to you and your husband through this journey.

Krystal

[Wil-I-Am]

Hi,
I have ADHD and my wife also has to deal with me differently than anyone else.
Here are a few things she does for me to make our lives easier. I say our lives, because if she didn't do them, then there would be more arguments than a normal couple has.

1. Lists: If I have a list of things to do, I will do them. If I don't have a list, the things will more than likely not get done. Details are important based on how well he understands what it is that needs to be done.
For instance, my wife knows that putting the word coffee on my list means that I'll make sure the automatic coffee maker is full and ready to make coffee before we get up. However, when I have to make the childrens lunches, she will list what needs to go in their lunch bags, or I'll forget to put in drinks or something else equally important.

2. Routine: It usually takes me about 2 months of doing the same chore every day to make it a habit of mine. It only works if I have to do it every day, and if I am told at the same time, or it's on my list.
For instance, I now habitually make the coffee for the morning, as the last thing I do before I go to bed. Occasionally, I'll forget, but it has become a habit, and so it is almost always done.

3. Understanding and patience: It has taken many years for my wife to realize that just because I forgot to do something, it doesn't mean:
A)that I don't care about her
B)that I'm not lazy
C)that I'm not trying to argue or cause a disagreement
D)that it was NOT done on purpose and
E)that even if I try really really hard, I could remember

I have found that it is much less depressing on a personal level if I am not accused of the above, and a simple reminder (Once a day is best, but not as you are getting into bed, but when there is time for him to do something about it) is enough for me to remember, and fix my oversight.

I also find that reminding me of one thing at a time verbally is about all I can take. My wife will now wait until I've complted what I've forgotten before reminding me of something else I have forgotten. She may even make a list for me if there are more than two things I have to do.

I hope this helps.

Wil

[TwiceBitten]

Seems to me that the issues would have been there before. ADD does not just appear...nor do the symptoms or behaviors. A death does not trigger ADD but it can trigger an episode of depression. Sounds like a possible misdiagnosis to me. You may want another opinion or 2.

[Charlotte_Webb]

Thanks all of you for your responses.

Wil, You have given me a few good reminders that I should not take things personally when he forgets or fazes out and does not listen. My DH is good at being organized, thank goodness for that, it is mainly that he takes a lot of time before doing something that is not too appealing or he will start something and take forever to finish it.

Twice, his ADD was there long before, it was just never recognized as such. His self esteem took a beating since he was often told that he was lazy, he could do better, lacked gumption and all of that. The death of his mother and the fact that his doctor put him on antidepressants just made his brain fuzzy and harder for him to focus. The financial issues were mainly due to his impulsivity. The diagnosis simply served to connect the dots.

Now that he is on the correct meds, no more antidepressants but now on Concerta, he is doing a whole lot better.

Krystal, I was also worried that when he started taking meds for it he would become different, but no, actually it made him come back, new and improved, to the guy I fell in love with back then.

I have good hopes that things will only get better.

Charlotte