[BlueInanna]

It seriously hurts to force myself to focus on one thing. I'm keeping my job, but I'll have so many files open and nothing happens fast enough, probably because I have too many files open lol.

And if someone interrupts me it's so disruptive and risks me losing track of the 20 things I'm working on. So I might turn off my phone, but then people feel I'm not communicating. I don't always have time to communicate the way they want, I'm overloaded trying to run a business.

I've been practicing focusing on only 1 thing - like actually seeing just one task through from start to finish and it's grueling and horribly boring and I hate it!!

Cleaning and organizing the house is the biggest thorn in my side - understand I am a single mom of 3 with no assistance from their dads, the older 2 have mental health issues too. But I look around at the messes & can't figure out where to start & that hurts my brain too. I might start a task, like ok I'm going to organize my home office files first, but then distracted by old photos & memories, then I notice things need windexing, then my bathroom counter needs organizing. before you know it, I've made a bigger mess that when I started!

The Adderall does help a lot, but I have bp & doc will only give me a very small amount for fear of going into mania. But I need to function, get my work done, clean my house, help kids with homework & endless appointments.

My self-esteem is really low because I feel so dysfunctional, and I sometimes give up and hide in my bed, feeling like no way out of this mess, why even try to organize. Thanks for letting me rant, it is so frustrating.