Frustrated, feeling like a failure at this point

This is a repost from the introduction thread. Sorry it is so long.
I am in my early 50's and was a stay at home mom when my kids were younger. My divorce made it necessary me to go back to school to obtain a second degree and I followed a lifetime dream to become a registered nurse. During nursing school, I had some issues with not being able to study for exams or complete long assignments until the very last minute. I ended up cramming the night before the exams and even the morning of the exam. When taking exams, I would blow through them in half of the allotted time, answering questions with the first answer that popped into my head and usually the first to finish. I found myself "checking out" mentally during class if the lecture was something that did not interest me and I had to do certain things like write everything down the prof said so I could pay attention. I somehow managed to get As and Bs and passed my nursing boards with the minimum of 75 questions without studying. I blew through that test in an hour. I often have a tendency to be hyper verbal, and would often overshare personal information including insecurities, etc. with classmates. I was always conscious of this, but sometimes I just could not seem to stop opening my mouth when I should not. It never really got me into trouble, but it was annoying to others, I am sure. I have a decent social life, and my friends just laugh at me and chalk it up to me just being crazy me.
After graduation, I was hired at a large area hospital in my dream specialty area, and began my orientation. I chose this area for many reasons, including the fact that it was often fast paced and ever changing because I tend to get bored easily.
As soon as I began work, I was very anxious and had trouble learning the computer systems (we documented in two different programs). When doing the documentation on the computer forms, I always seemed to forget several key things on the form, no matter how many times I reviewed it and the things I missed were always different every time. I also noticed that I was having difficulty focusing, especially when things got crazy and a lot was happening at once if a patient ended up having to go to the OR. Sometimes I was unable to hear the physician over everything else that was happening, During those times, I was pretty much on complete overload, so much so that at times it took me longer than it should have to process what I needed to be doing. I would stand rooted to the floor, unable to act. I would forget silly things like how to fill out a simple lab sticker for blood draws, or other routine paperwork that was simple and very straightforward. I also had difficulty prioritizing when overwhelmed....it was like my brain shut off. That is the only way I can describe it....everything in me just stopped. It was unbelievably frustrating for me because I know my specialty area, I understand what interventions to perform when, and how to handle emergent situations. In this field, we typically have one to two patients, and when I have one patient, I am fine and do well even when things start getting a little crazy, I can act and perform the appropriate interventions. However, when that patient is ready to be transferred to another room, and then I get another patient who needs to be admitted, have a history taken, blood drawn, IV started, hooked up to monitors etc. I am slower than anything,and it takes me longer than it should to get everything done mostly because I am struggling with the darned computer. My transfer patient ends up getting upstairs late, and the new admit takes way longer than it should.
(I should say that I am NOT an emergency room nurse, and these are not critically ill patients, but dont want to say what my specialty area is. )
My anxiety at work was through the roof because I could not figure out why I would miss the documentation stuff in the various forms we needed to fill out. I would literally not see certain boxes on a form I had to fill out and had to go over it three or four times to make sure I got everything and like I said before, I would still miss stuff. I cannot understand how I could not see the things I missed when I am looking right at it!!!
My main preceptor could not figure it out because when we would talk, she would quiz me about what to do, and I always knew the correct answer.
I also would get distracted really easily if I had to go back over some documentation I missed, and it would set me back and pretty much mess up the rest of my night because that simple act of going back to fix something would throw me off and I would never get my rhythm back. I also could not get my organization down no matter what I did. I wrote everything down, but I would still misplace the papers, or write it and then not be able to read what i wrote. It got pretty ridiculous, so I sought help from my general practitioner for anxiety, and he referred me to a psychiatrist. After testing, I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type, and was prescribed Concerta, which did nothing for me.
I ended up resigning from my dream job because I felt that my difficulties were not fair to my patients or coworkers who would have had to help me out if I needed help when they were also busy. Once off orientation, I would no longer have my preceptor to rely on if I got behind or in a bind, and that scared me to death. I felt that I needed to get a handle on my diagnosis and find a med that worked before I was off of orientation and practicing on my own (I was a week away from practicing on my own). My employer was supportive, and would like me to come back once I get a handle on things and maybe work somewhere else for awhile to improve my confidence, because there were things I did well, my patients liked me, and I was told by my manager that I have the personality, intelligence and compassion to do this particular job. Three weeks ago, I began a new med Vyvanse which seems to be working for me but wears off around 4pm when taken around 8am.
Frustrated beyond belief, and my already shaky confidence really took a hit. Feeling like a failure at this point in time, but I know that resigning was the right thing to do until I get a handle on this. I need to work, but I pretty much cannot work anywhere until I find the right med so I can focus and do what I need to do.
BTW...in my private life at home, I have always been a star procrastinator. I pay bills late, forget to make phone calls, take forever to call and make an appointment or call the bank or whatever...it takes me forever to deal with all of these personal things. I am also constantly losing important papers such as past tax returns, my divorce decree, kids birth certificates, etc.

Anyway, I hope to talk with others, especially RNs having similar struggles with ADHD. I need to learn strategies to keep things organized at work and at home. I loved my job, and I cannot ever imagine doing anything else, and am so motivated to do what I need to to get to where I need to go. And clearly, the hyper verbal thing needs fixing too....

Hi Mom63. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Psych Central. I admire all that you have accomplished. My Mom is a retired nurse, and suggested you do private duty.There is not as much paperwork, and it's not as hectic as working in a hospital.

Piraeus

Thank you I will definitely look into that!!!

Hi Mom63, glad to meet you. I am also new, I am not a nurse but your home and work life "problems" are identical to mine. Hopefully we both find answers and help here.

Hi :-) I hope we do too! Medication is one step in the right direction. It has helped with my problems related to lack of inertia, which seems to be pretty common with some of us with ADD. With this med (Vyvanse) I can also pay attention and concentrate without daydreaming. It quiets all the noise going through my head, if that makes sense. Hopefully you can find the med that works for you. Initially I was taking Concerta while still working, and it did not help me at all, even on the max dose. Unfortunately, I quit before going on the Vyvanse. I suspect that I would have been able to stay at the position had I been taking the Vyvanse.
I will soon begin working with a counselor who specializes in working with people with ADD/ADHD. She does cognitive behavioral therapy, which in my opinion and from past experience working with psych patients in the late 1980's (after graduating for the first time w/ a BS in Psych), seems to be the way to go. Maybe you can look into that? I have learned that I need to make TONS of lists...I have even purchased a small notebook to detail what I need to do each day. Sometimes, if there is a lot to do, I will give myself time frames with which to get things done. If I fail to keep a list or fail to do time frames when there is a lot on that list, I end up spinning my wheels all day long, and end up at the end of the day wondering what the heck I even did all day!!! Giving myself time frames (literally writing out an hour by hour schedule of what I need to do each day all day long) provides the amount of structure I need because we all know how we are distracted by thoughts or by things going on in the environment (ie things we see, distracted by other things needing to get done, TV if it is on, the computer like right now for me lol, etc). Structure is KEY, and the difficulty lies in maintaining structure for ourselves because of all those distractions, like I just said. Hoping the CBT will help me to find other ways of managing my time and staying organized, especially as a nurse. I want to work as a Labor and Delivery RN, and my job fresh out of nursing school (the one I just quit) was at the busiest hospital in the area.I was told by my manager that I have the intelligence, knowledge, the personality (my patients loved me), and the work ethic to perform the job but I needed to work on my organization, time management and confidence. I also need to learn to keep my mouth shut, and not say out loud when I feel stressed, overwhelmed or am struggling. Co workers and management do NOT want to hear those things out loud, because even though they all feel those things too, when someone verbalizes them it makes the person seem less competent and coworkers lose trust in that person's abilities. Vyvanse also helps me to not over share so much, so am able to keep my mouth shut, and I am forever thankful for that!!! My friend also said that I seem calmer, less harried and hurried, which is fabulous!!!
Confidence is a problem with me because I have always just kinda muddled through, and never could quite meet the goals I set for myself my entire life, always falling just short of them. Kinda like going through life flying by the seat of my pants. It sucks. I am guessing you have similar feelings?? From what I have read, low confidence is pretty common.
Anyway I still tend to type way too much, but I hope my sharing this helps you :-) !
Take Care and keep trying!!

Hello, mom63 Welcome to PsychCentral!
I am a psychology student, with ADHD-I and Asperger's, and I have the same problems as you. I misplace things, not notice others, and I always end up opening my mouth more than I should. I hope that we can at least make you feel more "normal", because often we forget that all of us always have something going on. Take care, and remember that we all have talents that will always be appreciated by the right people.