Partner with ADHD

I have been struggling with this issue for the past two years. My fiance has ADHD and at first hearing this i did not think much of it. As time went on i started to notice behaviors that i shrugged off as him being immature and that he would eventually outgrow them. When we first got together these behaviors did not seem to be present and i did not notice anything unusual. He has a very hard time keeping a job. He will be completed motivated to work and do whatever job he gets but has a very hard time with constancy. It has become a major problem in our relationship. it has made me feel as though he absolutely has no regards for anything that i say. i didn't understand why no matter what job it was he could not maintain it. He will be completely determined one week and fill out applications, re due his resume, and go to interviews but then it seems as though his attitude changes. He seems to be depressed, moody, and seeks a lot of attention from me. This is overwhelming for me and i am at my breaking point. I don't have the time or the energy to continue doing this. That sounds very unsympathetic but it has been two years of this up and down. I eventually started making list for him so that he could remember everything he had to do for the day as he would often forget things he had to do ever though i mentioned it the day before. We have had some financial issues because of this as he has forgotten to pay the electric bill and the utilities have been shut off things like that. I understand that this is part of the ADHD. My problem is that he does not. He thinks that he is just going through a phase where he just is not very motivated and cant seem to understand why he can not keep a job. I don't know how to get through to him or if there are any services for that could be provided for him. He goes from weeks where he is fully functioning and then weeks were its hard to get him to do anything. It frustrating as i have a lot going on and i feel like i have to constantly remind him and motivate him to get things done. i am also wondering if there other partners who are with someone with ADHD that are dealing with this? i feel like i have a child i need to monitor or push to get things done! Does this ever change or is this something that everyone with a partner with ADHD has to deal with? How can he learn to control his ADHD OR at least learn to cope with it . I feel like it has a big impact in hi life and i am not sure anymore how i can help.

Hello, quest12. Is he amenable to receiving professional help?

I am the ADHDer and my LDG is the one slowly losing faith.

I am making progress, however it's difficult with no support, sleep problems, C-PTSD, anxiety etc and being diagnosed at 26 when my life was ready to collapse.

My GF said, her Psych prof told her "An ADHDers Wife is best bet".
And it's true, ADHDers do need a quiet constant external feedback, due problems with time. I can imagine what it is like to feel like you're baby sitting him.

Control or cope, well the biggest help for an ADHDer is supportive circle, even a partner.

Medication does help, I was ignorant about it before, and even though i'm on the wrong one (ie it does nothing but help concentrate and cause problems) I know that another medication would help immensely. I know because the other med is basically pharmaceutical grade amphetamine, and I tried such in my teens when on self destruct and remember vividly how different and calming it was compared to the crap on now.

So medication, get him to a Psychiatrist, and give that a go.

The treatment actually is "medication and support", not one or the other. I got meds, your partner got support, we're probably as bad as each other. Not had my internet off though for forgetting to pay bill again is quite some time, which may seem a small thing but it's not.

ADHD, is grossly misunderstood by people, it's a lot more than "can't focus", which actually it's focus on too many things, because can't control it.

Anyway, education and understanding of ADHD, on both of your parts will help to.

Unfortunately in the UK, ADHD treatment is pretty poor as in the understand even acceptance of it. Hopefully though, a Psych you guys will see won't make him worse to the point of wanting to end it. (No i'm serious, getting a good Psych is important)

Don't know about support groups in England for ADHD, might be some, sure can find online if are.

So:

- Education and understanding
- Medication
- Support group/circle/partner

Can't really comment on the "going through lack of motivation phase" as before I saw Pysch there was nothing that could stop me, now, Idk what the hell is wrong, burned out maybe, I did go through an extremely traumatic year recently.

Things are quite stressful and it's easy for an ADHD to get overwhelmed.

However, being in a rut, the only way to get out of, is probably "emergency mode"
ADHDers switch on, as it were when things are on the edge, this isn't a choice or some mind game, not in the least. So maybe get his attention with something that means somesthing to him, that he could lose or such n such will happen, and getting day by day closer each day he does nothing. Everyone is different.

Me on one hand, due to my childhood and punished when didn't do a damn thing, consequences is pretty much just a word to me now. However my LDG is planning to come to Uni here next year and it is definitely stopping me from video games and movies and instead, focusing on what to do, what priority, etc.

"it has made me feel as though he absolutely has no regards for anything that i say"
My GF felt this, that I didn't care about the relationship, but it's something I care most about, but even with ADHD and my past continual screwing up and attempts at self talk motivation "Don't you care about her, the relationship?" to get up off ***, it didn't do much, and then i'm beat myself up, trying to prevoke a response, even anger is motivation.

So even though I am the ADHDer, I do feel for you.

Living with ADHD though when you've not been treated as a kid and developed a ton of bad habits and negative beliefs and anxiety and even what feels like semi-permanent fatigue, is TOUGH! I mean, I live for a challenge i've pushed myself my whole life, but this, this is ridiculious!

Which i'm not trying to defend your partner, just trying to explain what he is probably going through, and probably doesn't feel great about himself either.

Try those three things though: Education/awareness, medication, and support group.

A personal coach is the "best" support for ADHD, but who can afford that, ya know?

If you're wondering how can I be so dysfunctional if can communicate all this and seem aware smart etc, well ADHDers focus is outside, and do whatever their focus is, whatever is there focus is important, anything which is not, it's like it doesn't exist, isn't there.
I doubted I had ADHD when read 80% symptoms, "too smart, to aware etc to be ADHD" but nope, not about intelligence or awareness.

Keep your partner off the computer and away from the TV btw, he'll lock onto it like he's watching "hypnotoad". Actually thinking of getting rid of laptop, but my relationship is with someone in the states, so i'm gonna have to think of something else.

Hope this is some help to you though. I feel what my GF has put up with, and I appreciate her for doing so, I know your partner does care, that you're trying to help

I know a fair bit about ADHD, but I also know I need to still learn to shut up, because I don't stop, struggle to stop, even sometimes can't stop, the wrong meds don't help though.

Contact your GP, and they're give you a referal to local mental health clinic/ tell him to do a silly stupid *** "ADHD test" I call it that, because my Psych asked what i thought of it, and I was honest, after realising me being honest would arouse suspicion, but "be honest, they know what they're doing, is what I wanted to hear and I did" I told it sucks, easy to cheat on their etc, and then my Psych tried to trick me and lie to me telling me the medication will speed me up... yes... if am not ADHD...

Try to get someone who specialises in it or at least has an interest!

I wish you the best of luck

Oh btw, don't be hard on yourself, you stayed by him, and continued to try help him even when things don't seem to be improving/remain steady. He is lucky to have you, tell him I said that, maybe then he'll get off his ***, realising and seeing just how it's affecting you, that if he doesn't get moving, he might lose you. (emergency mode)

Note: he could be depressed off his *** though, so that would be something to address with or before ADHD. Can do that with healthier diet, exercise, novelty, and a slap from reality.

ADHD usually comes with other disorders, might be worth finding that out, because it might not just be ADHD. (anxiety no doubt). Try valerian root capsules, helps take the edge off my anxiety. High strength though, from a-m-a-z-o-n

Sucks being right, wish coulda stopped when I said. :/